


The Purple Heart

by orphan_account



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Military Homophobia, Reincarnation, Resolved Sexual Tension, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-14 18:35:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3421304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the seventh year of the War, and Gon Freecss has just turned eighteen. Eager to follow his father, he immediately enlists in the military, thinking he's in for a simple test of physical ability and mental endurance. He has no idea just how wrong he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This story is mostly A/U, but at the same time it's dealing with reincarnation so the usual universe is connected to it. This first part is the prologue, and of course it has to be sad because it is a reincarnation story :'( 
> 
> About the title: The Purple Heart award is an award given to those wounded or killed while serving with the military. A purple heart also means forbidden love.

"Do you think… we'll see each other… in the next life?"

Killua clutched Gon's body to his chest, shaking. Too much. Gon had used up too much of his Nen, and this time there was no coming back. Alluka couldn't even fix this. Killua held Gon tighter, blood seeping into his shirt. They'd been stupid. They'd been so unbelievably stupid that Killua wanted to go back in time and rip his past self's heart from his chest. Maybe then Gon wouldn't have been forced to use everything to save him.

"Why did you do it, Gon? WHY?!"

The laugh that bubbled past Gon's lips was accompanied by blood, which trickled from his mouth and dripped to the ground. The cracked ground absorbed it thirstily, as if the taste of an innocent's lifeblood was the most exquisite drink it had ever had the pleasure of sampling.

"Just happy… you're okay."

Killua bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, as he bowed his head to Gon's chest and wept. He felt a weak, trembling hand rest on his head, and his weeping grew louder. Gon was dying. No, that wasn't even right. Gon was already dead. He was already dead but his bright soul was still inside of his broken body, staying for just a minute more to assure Killua it was alright.

"Don't leave me, Gon. Please, please, I can't live without you. You're my light."

He didn't care if it was selfish, he'd give everyone's lives just to save this one in front of him. A world without Gon was a world that wasn't even worth living in. Before he'd met the boy he now considered his soulmate, he'd been nothing but a shadow of a person. Since he'd truly become human, there was no way he could go back to what he had been.

"It's okay… I know… we'll meet… again…"

Gon's voice faded and the hand that had rested on Killua's head slipped off, landing on the ground with a soft thump. Killua leaned back, looking at Gon's final smile in horror. No. No, no, no. Not like this. He couldn't lose Gon like this. He threw back his head and howled, long, chilling and sorrowful. No. No. Stop. You can't leave. You…

His thought was cut off abruptly by a strange pressure in his chest. He looked down, his eyes wide and disbelieving, to see a thick spear piercing his chest. His mouth opened and closed, then he fell, toppling over to land beside Gon on the dusty earth. Oh. They hadn't managed to kill the last Chimera Ant after all. He turned his head slightly and saw it, bleeding profusely and obviously on its last breath. It must've summoned everything it had to throw the spear. Well, fine. If Gon was dead…

He turned his head a fraction the other way, reaching out with shaking fingertips to rest his hand on Gon's rapidly cooling cheek. Everyone had been lost in this fight. Everyone on their side, and everyone on the other side. How stupid. It was all pointless in that case.

A tingling numbness spread through Killua's body and his hand went limp on Gon's cheek. He smiled a little, tears tracking down his face. The ground drank the tears as well.

"Okay… I promise… this time I'll… protect you…"

He was so very tired. He closed his eyes, feeling a wave of peace and well-being wash over him.

_Alright, Gon... Our souls are connected so I know we'll see each other again. This time, I promise you won't have to cry for me. This time, I'll be your light._


	2. The Brigadier General's Property

"Are you sure about this?"

Mito stood in front of Gon, her mind trying desperately to find a way to convince him not to go. She knew there was no point; once he had that look in his eyes, the same one Ging always had, he wouldn't be persuaded by anything. But she had to try, so she could at least tell herself she'd done everything she could while she laid awake at night worrying. Gon grinned, his spiky hair bouncing as he nodded.

"Of course! I really think it'll help me find out what kind of person Ging is. Plus, I'll be protecting everyone!"

Yes, he'd be protecting everyone, but at the cost of what? Mito knew it was selfish to want to keep Gon sheltered while other women's sons and daughters went out to fight the war, but then again Gon wasn't like the other sons and daughters. Whale Island had always been neutral (it wasn't like there were any natural resources on it) so they'd never experienced the suffering and death that other places did. Gon had spent his childhood laughing, and even now at the age of eighteen he was much more boy than man. She didn't want him to lose that. She'd seen the look in the eyes of soldiers who had come home. War broke men. What would it do to a boy?

"I don't think this what Ging would've wanted for you. He left to protect us. Joining the war… isn't that throwing away the life he's tried to give for you?"

Her cousin, Ging, had joined when he was eighteen too, and he'd come back only a couple of years later with a baby. He hadn't said what had happened or who the mother was, he'd only said the boy's name was Gon and he wanted Mito and Grandma to raise his son as if Gon were their own. But Gon was too much like Ging for them to ever get any comfort. And now, like Ging, he was running off to fight a war the first chance he got.

"Not at all, because I'll be fine! I don't know if I'll get to see Ging… I don't think Privates see Lieutenant Generals much… but I still think fighting under him will be awesome!"

Gon's eyes sparkled and he hopped excitedly from foot to foot, the dog tag around his neck making a quiet tinkling sound. He'd get his own tag once he joined, but he'd always worn the one Ging had left. Mito finally gave in upon hearing the same tinkle she'd heard when Ging had left, and she let out a sad sigh, crossing arms.

"You'd better come back as soon as the war's over, Gon Freecss. And don't you dare come back with a baby unless you're at least twenty five!"

Gon laughed again, nodding happily. She gave him a critical once over. Standard grade military pants, boots, and a black tank top really did give him the look of a soldier. If you ignored the boyish face and spiky hair. He was lucky they'd done away with the shaving heads rule.

"I will. Bye, Aunt Mito! I'll see you soon!"

Gon gave her a quick hug then turned and bolted towards the port, heading to the ship that would carry him to the basic training grounds. Mito leaned against the doorjamb, watching his slender back disappear. Basic training was hard. It distinguished boys from soldiers. Cruel as it may be, Mito hoped he'd fail basic training so he'd get sent home. But she knew it was a hope in vain. No matter how hard it was, once Gon had his mind set on something, he'd do it.

* * *

 

Gon glanced out over the sea, leaning so far over the side of the ship that a few people thought he might fall over. Finally! He was finally following in Ging's footsteps. Yes, he wanted to join to protect the people he cared about, but he couldn't deny his burning curiosity to discover why Ging had left when he was a baby. Ging could've stayed—he'd done his part—but he'd chosen to go back and climb the ranks to become one of the most powerful and brilliant Lieutenant Generals anyone had ever seen. There had to be some sort of grand appeal to joining the war, else why would a man with a good, solid future throw himself back into an uncertain, death-filled one? Gon inhaled deeply.

"Hm. You seem quite young to be a new recruit, but those clothes suggest you are."

Gon turned to find himself face-to-face with a tall, muscular man. His crimson hair was swept back easily under a fancy-looking military cap, and his skin stood out in stark contrast with his dark uniform. Gon opened his mouth to reply before noticing the star obviously displayed on the man's uniform. The man saw his hesitation, and his smile was not unlike that of a shark's.

"Oh, no need to worry. Rank doesn't matter at this particular moment. I'd just like to get to know you better. I'm Brigadier General Hisoka."

A Brigadier General?! Why was someone of such high rank even on the ship, and introducing himself to Gon, no less? Gon quickly stood up as straight as he could, disappointed to see his eyes only reached Hisoka's shoulders, and saluted. But, of course, he was so flustered he used the wrong hand and he ended up totally botching it.

"S-sir! I'm Gon Freecss!"

Hisoka laughed, low and throaty, and stood a little taller so Gon was forced to look up.

"Freecss? You wouldn't happen to be related to Ging Freecss, would you?"

Gon nodded frantically, wondering if this man knew his father. Hisoka leaned in closer to examine Gon's face, then smiled as if what he saw pleased him a great deal. He reached down and lifted Gon's dog tag, reading it with a smirk. Then he used it to pull Gon closer as he leaned down to whisper in the boy's ear.

"I like those eyes. Gon Freecss… if you ever need anything, feel free to come to my quarters after hours. I can help you with all of your needs… and desires. Anything at all."

Gon shivered, an unpleasant feeling washing over him. He felt like a piece of prey caught by a predator. His body was frozen, unable to move. His eyes tried to find someone else's to beg for help, but everyone had their eyes averted. They even looked relieved, as if happy that they weren't the ones who held Hisoka's attention. A bead of sweat formed on Gon's temple and trickled down his face with agonizing slowness. The ridiculous notion that maybe Hisoka would never let him go crossed his mind, but Hisoka finally released him, leaning back with a heavy-lidded leer.

"I'll be keeping my eye on you, Gon. Don't disappoint me."

Gon swallowed as the man sashayed away, joining a fellow B. General with long black hair. Why had that person come straight over to him? And what did he mean by going to his quarters? Gon had the feeling it was something he didn't want to find out, so he quickly went into one of the cabins and spent the rest of the trip by himself, shivering whenever he thought about 'Hisoka.'

* * *

 

Finally, after a few hours, they arrived at the port, and, after checking to make sure Hisoka wasn't around, Gon disembarked with the rest of the people. Since the ship he'd been on only went to the military base, everyone was either military personnel or someone who was planning to go through basic training. The atmosphere felt strange to him, thick and heavy with a feeling he couldn't quite place. Everyone seemed so… serious. No one was fooling around, no one was laughing, everyone was simply talking in low, stiff voices or being completely silent. He wondered if something had happened.

"All new recruits this way!"

He turned, along with a bunch of other men and women, to a tall, thin man with light hair and a curled mustache.

"I'm Sgt. Satotz and I'll be one of your instructors in basic training. We don't formally start until tomorrow, but that doesn't mean we don't expect respect from you. Tonight, you'll be sorted into squads, and tomorrow is when the real test begins."

The prospect sounded rather exciting. Gon had no idea they'd be performing basic training in squads, but now he was excited to see who he'd be placed with. He looked around, wanting to find someone to talk to. Satotz began to walk and everyone followed him, murmuring amongst themselves. The atmosphere was much more relaxed without the higher ups like Hisoka around, and people began cracking jokes and laughing.

"Hey, hi! I'm Gon! So… do you think basic training will be fun?"

The person he'd been speaking to turned to him, already preparing to answer, but when he saw Gon's face he stopped dead and dropped away from the pack, not saying a word. Gon glanced at him curiously but kept going, wondering if maybe he was extremely shy or something. He looked around and found another person who looked roughly his age, and he jogged up to him with a large grin.

"Nice to meet you! I'm Gon!"

He would've said more, but that person also gave him a strange look and then moved away from him. Gon frowned, then lifted his arms and sniffed experimentally. No, he didn't smell bad. And he didn't really think he looked all that strange, either. So why was everyone shying away from him? He tried to talk to a couple more people, but he kept getting the same response. As he looked around, he realized that no one was even running close to him anymore, and everyone seemed to be avoiding his gaze. Did everyone hate him or something? His head dropped, and he suddenly wondered if maybe this was a bad choice after all.

"Gon, was it? You should really stop trying to talk to people." Gon glanced up, his heart rising just a little; someone was talking to him. But his heart sunk after the next words. "You may end up getting them killed."

* * *

 

Killua Zoldyck didn't know why he did it. He'd caught a glimpse of a boy around his age on the ship, and he'd felt a faint interest because there weren't many people his age. He'd watched as Hisoka had gone up to the boy, pulled him close and said something that set the boy shivering. He could only imagine what it was; the guys close to him were talking about Hisoka in low, hushed voices. Something about how he marked attractive young boys as his own when they first came on the ship. It seemed that if they got through basic training after being 'marked,' Hisoka would make sure no harm would come to them. Unless it was from him.

Killua's lips had curled in disgust at that. So the B. General was a creep who liked young boys. He'd wanted to go over and say something, but he'd forced himself to stay and listen to the rest of the conversation. The guys had said that once Hisoka marked someone, the news spread like wildfire and everyone knew they weren't supposed to go near him. Hisoka didn't like other people touching his property. Or even looking at it for that matter.

Killua didn't give a shit what Hisoka thought, though. His family name was famously known in the military for not being famous. They were all in high ranking positions, but no one knew what division they were in or where they were half the time. They only knew that when the Zoldyck family name was mentioned, someone ranked high on the opposing side would die, and no one would know who or what had killed them. Killua was the only one who had decided he didn't want to join the special forces team his family was part of. Quietly slipping into enemy territory and killing someone while they slept seemed cowardly to him, despite the fact that it got the job done. That being said, his name still carried enough weight that Hisoka laying a hand on him would cause quite the disturbance.

"What do you mean?" The boy he'd been watching, Gon, looked at him with huge, truthful eyes. The kind of eyes that soldiers didn't have. Killua shouldn't have approached him; it had been a bad idea from the start. But for some reason Gon had annoyed him so much that he'd had to speak up. How could anyone be so stupidly naïve? Even if Killua hadn't heard the conversation, he would've been able to figure out why everyone was avoiding him eventually.

"I mean Hisoka owns you now, so anyone talking to you is going to get it from him."

Gon contemplated that as they jogged, his eyes rolling up thoughtfully. Killua examined him from the corner of his eye. He was attractive, there was no denying it—it was obvious why Hisoka had been drawn to him. Tanned skin, muscles toned for endurance rather than strength, a youthful, symmetrical face, warm eyes that carried the saccharine sweetness of boyhood and innocence… Killua imagined Gon would have his choice of lovers from both sexes. But that wasn't all.

"He doesn't own me! Why would anyone think that?"

Yep, there it was. Just as Killua had thought. A pure mind, full of fluff and childishness. In a military environment, that meant that, rather than lovers, Gon would have a whole lot of men and women forcing themselves on him. Killua cursed silently to himself, wondering for the hundredth time why he was even getting involved. If he just let nature run his course, he was sure Gon would be eliminated. If not by the trials of basic training, then certainly by mental anguish from the unwanted desires of crude people.

"That's just the way it is with anyone he talks to."

"Oh."

Another silent moment, then, "Why are you talking to me, then?"

Killua glanced at him, wondering if Gon was making fun of him. But no, he seemed genuinely curious and… was that worry? For what? For Killua? Stupid, stupid kid! Who would be worried about someone they didn't know from a hole in the ground? That kind of mentality would get him killed!

"Because I do what I want. No one tells me what to do."

Gon laughed, easy and lighthearted. Killua gave him a strange look. How could he laugh in a situation like this? Did he literally have a mental problem?

"I see. I like you! What's your name? Do you wanna be my friend?"

Friend? FRIEND?! Killua almost choked on his own spit. They were eighteen for crying out loud! How old did this kid think he was? Twelve? Killua shook his head in exasperation. Just leave. Just ignore him and pretend you never noticed him. But… dammit, he couldn't do that. He had no idea why, but there was something about Gon that was achingly familiar. It tickled something in the back of his mind. It was one of the most annoying things he'd ever experienced, like an itch he couldn't scratch. Fine. Fine then, brain. If you want to be that way, I'll stay with him until I figure out what the hell this is.

"My name is Killua. And fine, I'll be your friend. On one condition."

Gon jumped practically five feet high in excitement. Killua rolled his eyes, wondering why he felt déjà vu. He shoved the thought away, narrowing his eyes as Satotz stopped; it was time for them to be placed in groups.

"Killua, what's the condition?"

Gon's whisper sounded incredibly loud, especially since every person had fallen silent to listen to the groups Satotz was about to announce. Some people shot him glares while others smirked. Killua mentally shook his head, regretting agreeing to such a stupid thing already. But he could see in Gon's eyes that the boy would keep asking him questions if he didn't respond.

"You have to be careful."

He murmured it as quietly as he could out of the side of his mouth. As ridiculous as it sounded, and despite the fact that Gon probably wouldn't listen, he really felt he needed to say it. This wasn't a place where you could let your guard down for an instant, but Gon hadn't even had his guard up for an instant. It was terrifying.

"Okay!"

Gon agreed happily, though Killua was sure he didn't really understood.

"…rio, Freecss, Gon, Kurta, Kurapika, and…"

Killua snapped back to attention at Gon's name, his eyes widening as he processed what had been said. Freecss? Gon Freecss? Like Ging Freecss? He was about to ask Gon if there was any relation, when Satotz called out the last name of the four man squad.

"Zoldyck, Killua."

Damn. This was going to be a long, long thirteen weeks.


	3. First Day of Basic

"Listen up, maggots! I'm Sgt. Menchi and I'll be in charge of your physical training, henceforth known as PT!"

Gon stood ramrod straight in line, eyes forward, as the tough, dangerous-looking woman yelled at them. The previous night, he'd introduced himself and been introduced to his squad mates, and he was pleased to find that they were all relatively normal save Killua. But Killua was his friend so that was okay.

Leorio had joined to become a medic, but even the medics had to go through basic training, especially the field medics, like Leorio wanted to be. Kurapika had joined because he wanted to fight the special task force on the other side that had slaughtered his village. Apparently, his village was known for holding a vast mine of beautiful, highly valued red stones, and that had caught the attention of the task force that was in charge of acquiring wealth for the other team. The special task force, known and feared by both sides, was informally known as the Spiders, because they had connections everywhere and many people were caught trapped by those connections the way a spider trapped bugs in its web.

It sounded dark and gruesome, but for some reason Gon thought it felt fitting. Leorio the medic, Kurapika the avenger, Killua the quiet killer, and Gon the… well, he wasn't sure how he fit in, but he knew he fit in somewhere, somehow. They'd stayed up relatively late, talking about a number of things. Leorio and Kurapika had been shocked to find that the two youngest members going through basic training both came from prestigious military families, and they were both on the same team no less. Gon had been very interested in Killua's family, but after telling them the basics, Killua had clammed up and said no more.

Despite all of the interesting things he'd learned about his comrades, Gon almost regretted staying up so late. 0400 was waking time, and though he was an early riser, it was crazy early even for him. The squad had blearily marched to the mess hall, where they'd eaten barely enough to take the edge off their hunger, then it was time to meet the new Sgt who'd whip their bodies into shape.

Everyone had been surprised to see a woman as their physical trainer, and a couple of the more cocky guys had even made lewd comments about her large breasts and tight uniform. No one would make that mistake again, though; the two guys had been taken to the hospital after Menchi made them do push ups until they were throwing up bile. Now everyone was in line, some guys and girls quaking in their boots, while Sgt. Menchi paced up and down the line with a critical eye.

"You, there! What's your name?"

A bald guy with funky eyebrows gave a shaky salute, straightening even more.

"H-Hanzo, sir! Uh… M-Ma'am!"

"Hanzo, huh? Are you fucking retarded?"

Hanzo blinked, his eyes confused and worried. He glanced at his squad mates, Pokkle, Sommy, and Todo out of the corner of his eye as if asking them what was so wrong, but it seemed that only made Menchi angrier. Her lips curled up and she crossed her arms, a dangerous glint in her eyes.

"I asked you a goddamn question, recruit! Are you so fucking dense that you can't answer a simple yes or no question? You aren't even worthy of being in my presence, maggot! Someone who doesn't even know how to tie his own boots has no right to be a soldier!"

Gon didn't dare look, but he heard a small gasp from Hanzo as he realized what his mistake was.

"I'm sorry, sir! It won't happen again!"

Menchi didn't bat an eyelash at the word sir, so everyone determined to call her that from now on.

"It better not, you useless piece of trash! If you want to prove yourself as being adequate as a human being, you'll run today's course twice! If you can't even do that, you can pack up your two year old toys and drag your green ass home!"

"Yes, sir!"

Everyone knew the course today would be hell, so they all felt some form of pity for him. But they couldn't afford to spare much, as Menchi whipped around and glared the rest of them down, determined to pick a few more targets to drill home that they certainly weren't at home anymore. He eyes rested on Killua, and it was obvious from the way they widened that she knew exactly who he was. She marched over, standing in front of him threateningly. He didn't flinch, nor move his eyes to look at her.

"Ah, a Zoldyck brat! Do you think you're better than anyone else, trash?"

"No, sir."

"Good! We're all equal here so I'll show no mercy even to you! You aren't going to go crying to Daddy or big brother Illumi after a few push ups, are you?"

Gon, who was standing beside Killua (everyone stood side by side with their squad mates) saw Killua's jaw tighten slightly, but Killua still managed to keep his cool.

"No, sir."

"It doesn't matter if you're God's son! When you're here, the only thing you do is what I say and the only thing you are is a tool for this military! If you think any differently, you can go home and cry in your whore mother's lap!"

It wasn't like Menchi was insulting Killua as a personal grudge; she was simply making sure he didn't get cocky or think himself better. Basic training meant breaking someone down so they could be built back up again, so there was nothing to do but take her insults and act like he didn't think he was above anyone. Killua knew this, so he kept a cool head, but his stomach dropped when he realized he'd forgotten to mention this to Gon. An angry, quiet voice beside him made him clench his teeth in anger.

"Don't talk to Killua like that."

The entire line inhaled sharply, and people unconsciously shifted away from Gon and the anger that radiated off of Menchi in waves. She turned to Gon slowly, her eyes narrowing, her aura dark and threatening. She uttered one simple sentence, but it made a hundred warnings go off in everyone's heads.

"What did you just say to me, brat?"

Gon looked up at her with clear, round eyes. Killua mentally begged him to let it go; it was already bad enough that he'd said something, but taking it further would get him in way over his head.

"Killua isn't like his family! He's here! So it's not fair to single him out."

She took one step closer until she was almost nose-to-nose with Gon. The fact that she had stopped yelling was a million times scarier than when she'd been yelling. At least everyone had known where she stood with that.

"What's your name, recruit?"

"Gon Freecss. I'm in squad three with Killua, and he's my friend. So I don't like you being mean to him."

Killua's mouth went dry and he was sure it was hanging open as he looked at Gon with an almost nervous admiration. Gon didn't seemed fazed by the dangerous aura around Menchi at all; he just glared at her stubbornly, setting his jaw as if he wouldn't change his mind no matter what. Menchi recoiled, then narrowed her eyes. Then she started to laugh. It started out as low and raspy, then grew until she was bent over and slapping her knee.

"Ging Freecss' son, huh? Who knew? Who knew the son of the great and mighty Ging Freecss… was a faggot!"

She yelled the last word at him so loud that it took everything everyone had not to cover their ears. Killua winced, biting his lip nervously. Being gay in the military wasn't illegal, but it was considered taboo. He didn't know if Gon was gay or not, but he knew that if other people decided to consider that a label, Gon would be tormented relentlessly. He had no idea that the word was used a great many times a day to stop squad members from getting too close. Teammates were permitted, even commended, but friends weren't because friends meant possibly choosing a friend's life over the military. So any time two squad mates began growing too close, regardless of their gender or reason, they were called faggots to scare them into keeping their relationship professional.

Gon blinked in astonishment, looking up at Menchi's glare. What would he say? Killua had no idea. Oh lord, don't say something about 'what's wrong with being gay?' or 'yeah, so?' Killua had never been the praying type, but right now he was praying with all of his being that Gon wasn't so dense that he'd openly oppose the use of the word or admit that he was gay (if he indeed was). But what Gon said next was almost worse. It definitely would've been if it had been anybody but the clueless, oblivious boy asking.

"What's a faggot?"

* * *

 

Gon had gotten himself so deep in trouble that Menchi hadn't even bothered to single anyone else out. Hanzo's punishment had been bad, but Gon's was worse. Three times. He had to run the course three times, and he wasn't allowed to eat for the next three days. The first time, it had been squad mates running together. Since Killua's family was a military family, his body and mind had both been trained for courses like this. It was simple enough—a one and half mile run with sit ups and push ups throughout, then another one and half miles back. All together, they ran three miles and did about a hundred push ups and sit ups.

Leorio and Kurapika had quickly fallen behind, Leorio being the most tired of them all, but thanks to their strong wills (and Menchi's sharp eyes watching their squad like a hawk), they'd managed to finish it. Not as quickly as Killua and Gon, though, who finished it before anyone. Killua was shocked and rather taken aback—Gon was a simple mountain kid, and he somehow had endurance almost equal to Killua's.

"Hey, Killua! This is kind of fun, isn't it?"

They were on one of their push up 'breaks,' and sweat was only just beginning to gather at their armpits and collars. They'd already run two miles, and they were on their last mile back. Killua glanced at Gon in surprise, shocked at the easy smile on his face. Running it three times was supposed to be a punishment, yet Gon didn't seem to think of it that way at all. If anything, he seemed to be taking it as a kind of fun challenge. Well, it was true that a three mile course was rather easygoing compared to what they'd face. This course was only the beginner's course to make sure they had the stamina to do more difficult courses without dying.

"I guess so. I think it's kind of boring, to be honest."

Gon laughed.

"Really? But we get to run together and it's like a race!"

How could the idiot be so optimistic? Did he not get what kind of trouble he was in? Killua clenched his teeth, wishing he could just give up on the bouncing boy already. But, hard as he tried to deny it, he was somewhat touched that Gon had spoken up for him. No one had ever done anything like that before. Was that what friends were like? It was nice.

No. Stop. Don't let yourself get emotionally involved, that's just stupid. He stood up, glancing at the sun as Gon finished his last push ups. If he'd really resolved not to get involved, then why was he waiting for Gon? And why did he secretly enjoy running alongside his squad mate? Was it because he'd never met anyone who could keep up with him physically and mentally? Yeah, that must be it. He admired Gon's tenacity, and he was simply being dazzled by the fact that Gon accepted him so easily. That was all there was to it. Soon the initial brightness would fade and Gon would seem just like every other loser who wanted to get close to him for his family's name.

"Ready!"

Gon sprang up, a large smile on his face as he ran to Killua's side and they took off again. Both of their breathing was still even and light, even though the path they were running on was full of tree roots and other surface obstacles that made it all the more grueling. In fact, the only reason they were even sweating was because of the heat of the sun beating down on them.

"Goal!"

He couldn't help but say it gleefully with Gon as they leapt past Menchi, who was holding a digital timer. It felt young and reckless, but somehow right. As if they'd done this a thousand times before. He lifted his shirt and wiped his face, turning to Gon to inform him that Killua was the one who had obviously won, but the look on Menchi's face stopped him. Her eye twitched angrily, and she looked like she wanted to hit someone very, very hard.

"Are you soldiers or are you twelve year old boys?"

Killua immediately straightened, saluting her and slipping a serious look onto his face. Gon glanced over and Killua then proceeded to do the same, puffing his chest out to make himself look older. Menchi looked like she would say more, but decided not to. There were no other recruits around, so there was no point in giving them the scolding of their lives. Besides, though she'd never admit it, there was something in Gon's innocent, unprejudiced gaze that she liked. There were too many soldiers and officials who were corrupt, so it would be nice if Ging's son could eventually rise to power and change that.

"If you two keep acting like faggots, your lives are going to be hell."

She meant for it to sound threatening and mean, but it came out sounding more concerned than anything. She cursed herself; too many people had said a woman was too caring to become a drill sergeant, and she was determined to prove them wrong. But neither boy seemed to think any of less of her for it. Killua nodded determinedly as if he already knew, and Gon gave her a grin.

"I still don't know what a faggot is, Sgt, but if people think I'm weak because I'm friends with Killua, then I'll just become the best soldier in the world so nobody can complain!"

Menchi blinked, hiding a smile with a large grimace.

"Quit acting familiar around me, trash! Who do you think you are? You still have two more runs left to do! Get to it, maggot!"

Gon nodded happily—the idiot—and then proceeded to take off running again. Menchi glanced up; a few more recruits were almost there.

"Zoldyck!"

"Yes, sir?"

Killua stood at attention, trying not to let his eyes follow Gon. He'd easily be able to do the course another time, but a third would be pushing it, especially with no breaks or food. If it would be difficult for him, he couldn't imagine how Gon would feel when he was finished. Dammit, there he was getting himself emotionally involved again. Although Gon had done it for his sake…

"I'm in charge of supervising the mess hall tonight. It's busy, though. I'm afraid I wouldn't notice if someone snuck out an extra piece of bread or something."

They didn't look at each other, but the gratefulness in Killua's voice spoke volumes.

"I understand, sir. I'm sure you won't catch anybody doing something like that."

"I'd better not catch someone! If someone was doing something like that, they'd better make damn sure they were discreet!"

"Yes, sir!"

Hanzo was the second one to reach the finish line, and a large wave of other recruits followed. It seemed only a couple had been too tired to finish. Well, it was only the first day. Most people should have the guts to at least make it through that. It was the coming weeks that would be much, much harder. But Killua couldn't even imagine himself failing. It simply wasn't possible. And… well, there was no way he was letting Gon fail either. Consider it his personal challenge, making sure his squad mate passed. Yeah, that was it. There was nothing more going on.

* * *

 

Gon collapsed at the finish line, his breathing heavy and his clothes sticking to him. He let out a long, heartfelt sigh. Well, this time he wouldn't blame anyone if they didn't want to come near him. He really and truly stunk now.

"Aww, but I really am hungry!"

His stomach growled loudly, and he rolled over on his side, clutching it as if in agony. Mm… what he wouldn't give for a huge slice of pork… or some of Grandma's homemade cookies… or one of Aunt Mito's pies… Saliva dripped onto the ground and he moaned, curling up even more.

"I'm gunna die… I'm really gunna die… I can't handle it…"

"Come on, quit being such a drama queen."

Gon looked up to see Killua standing there, rolling his eyes. And he was holding… he was… it was…

"Killuaaaaa! Why are you so cruel?!"

Killua's glance turned into a glare and he crossed his arms. What? Cruel?

"Hah?!"

"You knew I was going to be hungry and you just had to come out here and eat a pork bun in front of me, didn't you?"

Killua blinked, then he buried his face in his free hand. Well, now that Gon had said that, telling him he'd snuck it out just for him was embarrassing. He let out an exasperated sigh as he threw the bun at Gon's head.

"Idiot."

He scratched his nose to cover up a blush as Gon snatched the bun and clutched it tightly, literal tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes as he gave Killua the look a starving puppy would give its master when it received food.

"F-for me? Killua, you're the best friend I've ever had!"

Gon launched himself at Killua, wrapping his arms around him with a strength he shouldn't have had after running the course three times. Killua froze, then his face turned red. Light red, then dark red, then purple, and then he was hitting Gon's arms frantically for air because Gon was squeezing his neck too hard. Gon released him with a sheepish, apologetic laugh and sank his teeth into the pork bun.

"Don't expect this kind of treatment all the time. It's only this once because you spoke up for me."

Killua crossed his arms and looked away, still embarrassed and annoyed at how happy Gon had been from a simple pork bun. But he couldn't manage to quench the small, warm glow of happiness he had at being called Gon's best friend.


	4. Initiation Week

"I'm sorry, Gon."

"There's no need to apologize!"

"Yes there is. I… I have no right to be your friend."

"Killua, I already told you; you don't need to earn the right to become my friend. You already are my friend, simple as that."

"But… you saved me from myself. And I was never once able to save you."

"You've saved me plenty of times!"

"Physically, yes. But because I wasn't strong enough, this world destroyed a part of you."

"…No, Killua. I was the one who wasn't strong enough. I should've listened to you."

"It's not your fault."

"It's not yours either."

"Yes it is! Even so… if I promise to be strong enough to stand beside you… Can I stay by your side?"

"If you really blame yourself, I'll punish you."

"Nothing you say will change my mind about that."

"Fine. Your punishment is to stay by my side forever and ever, no matter what."

"That isn't a real punishment, Gon. I want to do that anyway!"

"I don't care if you think it's a punishment or not. Through this life, through the next life, for all of eternity… Promise me."

"That's too selfish, Gon. It's selfish for the both of us."

"Promise."

"…Okay. I promise."

* * *

 

Killua rolled over in the top bunk, mumbling something about a promise. Gon looked up, and for a second he felt disoriented, as if he shouldn't be in a military camp, he should be somewhere… else. _Promise me_. It rolled around in his head as clearly as if he'd heard himself say it aloud, but thinking about it was starting to give him a headache. He shoved away the strange feeling; Killua was just dreaming about promises. It had nothing to do with Gon.

What did have to do with him, though, was what Private Tonpa had said when he'd crossed the finish line after his second run the previous day. He hadn't mentioned it to Killua, because it was a problem Gon wanted to deal with himself. He'd dealt with bullies on the island (although the bullying was never really directed at him) and he felt he could do an adequate job dealing with them here.

"Hey, faggot." Had been the first words out of Tonpa's mouth. Gon had looked up in surprise, still wondering what the word everyone kept throwing around was. Was it like a fat maggot? He'd only heard it once before, but that had been an old man on the island talking about a bundle of sticks. For some reason, he had the sense that the word 'faggot' in the military was a lot more offensive than a bundle of sticks.

"Hi! I'm Gon!"

Menchi had seemed nice despite the fact that she called him names, so maybe Tonpa was like that too. Tonpa's face had darkened and his lips had curled in disgust.

"I don't want to know your name, you disgusting homo. People like you need to learn where you belong. Meet me, I'm Tonpa, here at 0200 tonight or your boyfriend is going to get it."

Gon still had no idea what he was being accused of. Boyfriend? Did Tonpa mean Killua? Killua wasn't his boyfriend! Killua was just his friend! He highly doubted Tonpa would be able to carry out a threat against Killua, but he'd needed to complete the course and Tonpa was already walking away so he couldn't say that. He'd decided to go meet the old, plump man anyway, just to try and clear up the fact that Killua wasn't his boyfriend. He didn't care if anyone saw them that way, but Killua probably would. Killua seemed like the type to brood over things.

Which brought him to present time. He'd slipped on clothes as quietly as he could, making sure he didn't wake any of his squad mates, then slowly let himself out. He wondered how Tonpa could stand getting up now when they already had limited sleeping time. However long this took, they'd have at most less than two hours of sleep time left.

"Pvt. Tonpa!"

Gon called out the name merrily as he finally reached the course's finish line. Tonpa was nowhere to be seen, despite the fact that Privates were supposed to be cordial and on time. Well, it wasn't like it was formal, so there was no point in complaining. Gon let a sigh, looking up at the stars. Oh! The Big Dipper! He grinned, wondering if Aunt Mito had looked at it that night from the island. Then he wondered… had Ging ever acknowledged it? He must have. Everyone knew about the Big Dipper. The thought made him feel just a tiny bit closer to his long lost father.

While he was watching the stars, distracted, he didn't notice the shadows creeping up behind him, nor the strips of cloth they held. He hummed softly, rocking back and forth on his heels, content even if Tonpa didn't show up, when suddenly a rough piece of cloth was jerked across his mouth.

His first instinct was to shout out, but it was too muffled by the cloth for anyone to hear. His next instinct was to turn and fight, but then were arms all over his limbs, pushing him down on the ground, pinning his arms and legs down. That didn't stop him from struggling like a wild animal, thrashing with a strength that had his assailants grunting in effort to keep him from moving. A hard slap across the back of his head made his ears ring, and his body went slack for a moment. He heard a quiet sniggering.

"Stupid little fucker, aren't you?"

Tonpa? No way! But, for some reason, he was only half surprised. He felt like a complete idiot, as if he'd been tricked by the man more than once. He tried to twist his head to look up, but another piece of cloth blindfolded him and now he was not only mute, but blind. He struggled again, but it only earned him a kick to his stomach that was so hard he had to have been lifted about a foot off of the ground. He moaned, doubling over as the guys holding him laughed hysterically. Then they flipped him over onto his back, one guy for each limb. He bucked up, shook his head, arched his back, but nothing worked. So this must be what a trapped animal felt like. He felt a pang of regret for the times he'd caught island cats and wouldn't let them go.

"Oh, this is going to be the best one yet. Take off his clothes."

If the cloth hadn't muffled Gon's screams, Killua would've been able to hear them from the bunks.

* * *

 

Killua woke from a strange dream that involved Gon wearing short green shorts (he had quickly shoved it out of his mind; he definitely didn't want to psychoanalyze that) to the sound of the usual morning siren. Ugh. Too early. He may be able to stay up for days without sleep, but once he was asleep, he liked to stay asleep. He cracked a yawn, then dangled his feet over the side of his bunk, wondering if they smelled so bad Gon would wake up yelling. But Kurapika was the first one to speak, a confused look on his face.

"Where's Gon?"

Kurapika was the first to notice, since his bunk was the bottom directly across from Gon's. Leorio leaned over from over Kurapika (he had the top bunk on that side) and frowned.

"That's weird. His bed is all made and everything."

Killua leaned down to verify for himself, then a confused frown creased his forehead. He dropped lightly off of the top bunk and pressed his hand against Gon's pillow. Cold. Evidently the so-exhausted-Killua-had-to-practically-carry-him-back idiot wasn't as exhausted as he had acted. He must've been gone for at least an hour for his pillow to have absolutely no heat in it. Where had he gone? Killua felt a twinge of worry but quickly pushed it aside. No need to worry. Maybe he had tried to sneak into the mess hall and gotten caught.

"I'm sure he's fine."

Killua tried to keep his voice light and upbeat, but he was well and truly bothered now. Dammit. Why was that kid always making him worry? Leorio and Kurapika exchanged a knowing glance and nodded slowly. What was that all about? They must've become closer on their run. And they must've spoken about Killua and Gon too. Killua wasn't sure if he wanted to know how that conversation had entailed.

"Yeah, probably. But… Killua, have you ever heard of Initiation Week?"

Initiation Week? Of course he had. He'd heard tons of horror stories. Initiation Week was the first week all of the new recruits arrived. The older guys who had already passed basic wanted to see if the green guys had what it took, so they pulled all sorts of sadistic pranks. Killua paused. Sadistic pranks? There was one guy a day for the six day training period. It couldn't be that they'd chosen Gon to be the guy for that day. No way. He swallowed thickly, glancing at Gon's bed again.

"It can't be. I'm sure Gon can handle himself. But… if he's not in the mess hall, I guess I'll have to look for him."

His worry was increased tenfold. He'd never really considered Initiation Week an issue because no one would mess with a Zoldyck. No one should mess with a Freecss either, but Gon didn't really have a trait like silver hair to identify him as the kid of a Lieutenant General. No one below a Sgt. even knew what Ging looked like, anyway. Kurapika and Leorio shared another glance, and Killua was sure he caught worry in it. Why? It wasn't like they'd known Gon all that long. Well… actually, they'd known him for roughly as long as Killua. Killua kept forgetting that he'd only met his friend yesterday. It felt like he'd known him for a lifetime.

"Okay. We'll help you. I don't know what it is, but there's just something about him…"

Kurapika trailed off, but they all knew what he meant. There was something about him you inherently wanted to protect. Even if you hadn't known him for a while, he was like a warm glow that enveloped everyone around him.

"Fine. Do what you want."

Killua dressed quickly, pausing for a moment to wait for them. Why was he waiting for them too? Stupid, stupid, stupid. But he did it anyway, and then they went to the mess hall together. They ate quickly and silently, each one searching the hall for a sign of spiky dark hair. But they saw neither head nor tail of anyone even remotely resembling him. Killua's pulse was beginning to speed up, and he shoved away the little bit of food they got. Something was very, very wrong. He didn't know how he knew, he just did. Something had happened, and he needed to find Gon. Now.

"Let's go."

He was both surprised and grateful to see Leorio and Kurapika rising, both of their meals relatively untouched. He could see in their movements that they were stiff and aching from the previous day's work out, but they didn't complain at all. Leorio seemed worried, and Kurapika seemed tense. Killua stood up, not bothering to clear away his plate; some other starving guy would take the food. For now, they had to focus on finding Gon before it was time to start the day's physical training.

They started off relatively slow, searching around the camp, looking for places they thought he might go. But they quickly picked up the pace until they were all running, earning weird and slightly panicked looks from other personnel. It was only when Kurapika paused and gestured subtly to two chatting Privates that they received a clue as to where Gon was.

"Really? Man, that's sick. In a bad way."

"Yeah, I know. Those recruit crushers really outdid themselves this year. I feel bad for him."

"He's only a kid too, isn't he? Poor bastard won't be sticking around after something like this."

"Yeah, youngest recruit besides the Zoldyck boy. I wonder if anyone'll help him out. Probably not. The other recruits are certainly gunna get a scare when they go to train and find that."

Killua's heart sped up and he bolted before he could hear anything else. He could barely hear anything save blood pulsing through his head and his harsh, jagged breaths. Dammit. Dammit, Gon, why do you always have to make me worry? What the hell did you get yourself into this time? I told you to be careful! You fucking idiot! You'd better be okay!

There was a crowd around the starting pole of the course track. People were murmuring in low voices, some laughing, some looking disgusted. Killua shoved through them all frantically, ignoring the curses and whacks people gave him. When he finally popped out at the front to see what the crowd was looking at, his heart stopped.

Gon was tied to the post, both arms and legs tightly bound with thick rope. His head hung low, blood dripping into a small puddle at his feet from his face, which was horribly battered. One of his eyes was swollen shut, and blood came from both a cut on his lip and a trickle coming from his nose. He wasn't moving, wasn't making any sounds. Killua was so shocked by the sight that he forgot to even check if Gon was breathing.

"Gon…"

The name bubbled past his lips in a horrified whisper, and the crowd fell silent, watching him. Kurapika and Leorio shoved through the crowd to see what was going on, and once they caught sight of the situation, they quickly took action. Kurapika, his eyes burning with crimson fire, began ordering people to leave with the authority of an officer. Even people who were of higher rank than him obeyed, the shock and the fact that obeying orders was drilled into their minds making them move. Leorio walked up to Gon, shaking his head in disgust, as he pulled out a knife.

Killua watched it all almost dispassionately, a terrible feeling of rage growing inside of him. He hadn't even been paying attention to any other details, but now that his mind had distanced itself from his emotions, he noticed just how sick the prank had gotten. Gon was clothed in a frilly dress about five sizes too big, and a sign with the word 'Faggot' painted on it hung around his neck. His face wasn't just coloured by blood and bruises; there was rouge on his lips and horribly applied dark eye shadow all around his eyes. Killua's nails dug into his palms so hard blood trickled from his hands. Kurapika, who had finally finished dispersing the crowd, noticed the look on his face and took a shaky step back.

"Who the fuck did this?"

He didn't even know who he was asking, all he knew was that whoever had done this was going to die. He was going to tear them apart with his bare hands, then let them live in suffering agony for a few days before he let them die. No one, no one had the right to even lay a hand on Gon. To dress him up like this… to make a mockery of his boyish face and sparkling eyes, to paint him so the strong jaw line just beginning to mark him as a man looked wrong and girly… Killua's teeth pulled back from his teeth in one of the most feral snarls Kurapika had ever seen.

"Killua?"

It was Gon's weak, slightly confused voice that brought him back to his senses. He'd have time to kill the fuckers later, right now taking care of Gon was his main priority. Kurapika watched the shift in Killua's expression, then looked back and forth between him and Gon, understanding dawning on his face. He gave the slightest of nods to Leorio, who allowed Killua to hold Gon while he used his knowledge of what medics do to look after the boy's wounds.

"Are you okay? Shit, sorry, obviously you aren't. I mean… what the hell did they do to you? I can't…"

His mind was warring between deep anger and profound concern. Gon grinned shakily, reaching up to pat Killua on the shoulder feebly. Why was he the one comforting Killua when he was the one who was hurt? But his eyes were as clear as ever. He didn't seem particularly upset or scarred. In fact, the one who felt more angered and freaked out was Killua. How could Gon be so calm after he'd been beaten and humiliated like this?

"They put a dress on me. I kept struggling so they hit me a bunch of times. Then they tied me up and put the sign around my neck. And they put makeup on. Kind of a weird joke, right? Oh well. I shouldn't have let Tonpa trick me."

Killua didn't know whether to hit Gon or hug him. He was furious about what they'd done to him, but he was happy that was all they'd done. He'd heard some guys took their sexual frustration out on recruits because recruits held no power.

"Don't worry, Killua. I've been beaten up before. It hurts but it's not like I'm going to die. I think yesterday's training hurts more than this."

Did he not think anything of his pride as a man, then? Everyone had seen him in a dress, and if they hadn't, they'd certainly know about it by the time the day was over.

"Aren't you even a little embarrassed?"

Gon inched himself up as Leorio finished applying first aid, then he forced his legs to support him. Killua tried to help him, but Gon waved him off. He stretched, rubbing his wrists and ankles.

"No. It's just a dress."

He reached up and wiped his face with the sleeve of the dress, smearing the makeup more than anything.

"Actually… the worst thing is, Aunt Mito didn't have much money so she could only afford to get me one uniform. They don't give out spares… and I think doing basic training in a dress will be difficult. Not to mention it will make Sgt. Menchi mad. What do you think?"

Killua just stared in astonishment. Kurapika let out a small laugh, which grew until he was laughing with ease. Leorio grinned and shook his head. All of that hadn't even fazed him? The thing he was most upset about was losing his uniform? Killua was going to have to beat some sense into him. After his injuries healed, of course.

"You're the biggest idiot I've ever met, Gon Freecss. Come on, let's get you to the showers. You can have one of my uniforms."

Gon grinned widely, then winced and smiled smaller. He draped one arm over Killua's shoulder as if he were simply doing it out of friendliness, but Killua could feel the stiffness of his muscles, and the weight on Killua's shoulder was much more than it would've been if Gon was simply being friendly. He didn't say a word, though.

"Me and Leorio will let Sgt. Menchi know what happened. She's scary but she seems reasonable enough."

"Thanks, guys."

Killua was surprised to find he really meant it. He really, truly appreciated his squad mates. Maybe basic training wouldn't be as bad as he'd originally thought. That is, if he could keep Gon from doing anything else outrageously stupid.

* * *

 

Tonpa high-fived each of the Amori brothers, laughing wickedly. Stupid recruit. Who actually came to meet a Private alone at 0200 during Initiation Week? Well, that was one recruit gone. He wondered who he should choose next. The Zoldyck brat was off the table, but that bald headed guy with the funky eyebrows looked pretty dumb. There was also that fat guy in the bald one's group… Todo, was it? The name annoyed him. Maybe they could stage it so it looked like he had stolen all of the food in the mess hall. Yeah, he was fat enough that people would believe it.

"Hey, I have a great ide—"

A swish alerted him to the fact that someone had just entered his tent. He looked up, ready to snicker if it was one of the girly brat's friends come for revenge, but when he saw who it was, his entire countenance altered. His face grew pale, and he stood up so fast the chair he'd been sitting in toppled over. He saluted, ashen-faced, the Amori brothers following suit. BGen Hisoka raised an eyebrow.

"My, my. No need to be so formal. I just came here to chat."

No he hadn't. Tonpa searched his mind for anything he might've done to piss off the crimson haired freak. He couldn't think of one good reason the BGen was in his tent. Unless… his eyes widened a millimetre as he realized his mistake.

"Everyone knows I keep my eye on certain young male recruits with potential. However, it seems one of those young male recruits became a young female recruit today. Ah~ So sad! His cute little squad mate is going to fix him up, but it still scars me."

It didn't look like it scarred Hisoka at all. A grin had slowly been spreading across his face, and now that it was fully formed, Tonpa was absolutely terrified. Hisoka's laugh made every hair on Tonpa's body stand upright, and one of the Amori brothers actually started crying.

"Mm… Gon~ I can't have you touching him again."

"W-we won't, sir! I s-swear!"

"Oh don't worry. I know you won't."

Those were the last words the four recruit crushers ever heard.


	5. Gon's First Lap Dance

When Menchi heard what had happened to Gon, she was more than understanding about him and Killua coming back late. In fact, she was furious with herself because she'd had so much on her mind that she'd forgotten to assign someone to ensure Gon had completed the course. Forgetting something like that during Initiation Week was a terrible mistake, so she couldn't help but feel guilt at the bruises on his face and whispers behind his back.

Due to Menchi's soft spot, the rest of the week passed by without a hitch for squad three. Killua helped Gon through the three and five mile courses, and Leorio and Kurapika slowly grew accustomed to the hard pace that was drilled into them. More people dropped out, until by the end of the week, only people who had the physical ability to keep up were there. Out of around two hundred applicants, only thirty remained.

The only problem for Gon and Killua was the in class training. Yes, that's right. In class. They had two classes a day, and the classes rotated every other day, so they had to take four classes total. If they hadn't been able to work in squads, they'd be screwed. The first class was first aid training, which the entire squad only scraped through in thanks to Leorio's extensive medical knowledge. The second was weapons handling, which included learning parts of guns and how to put them together, as well as proper storage of bullets and gun safety. With the exception of Gon, who'd needed Killua's help with everything, they'd done pretty well.

The last two classes were absolute hell. The first was the history of the army and the reason why they were fighting. Everyone pretty much knew why they were fighting, so the majority of the class was spent on history. They would've failed and been kicked out in an instant had Kurapika not totally come through to help them. Even with his knowledge from reading almost every military book ever written, they were only managing to stay afloat by a couple of marks. No one else in the squad had a clue what was going on. The last class killed every squad member, though. It was about the army's values of honor, courage, and commitment. It was basically memorizing an exceptionally long verse they'd have to say when they graduated. Gon didn't think he'd be able to memorize even the first part in the twelve weeks they had left.

* * *

"Listen up, recruits! You maggots are progressing at a nice pace, but don't let that get to your head! Drop down and give me a hundred push ups!"

"Yes, sir!"

Menchi was pleased by how far the new guys had come in one week. In just one week, they'd went from snivelling, nervous cowards to quick, obedient recruits. These guys had a lot of potential. The first four weeks were all about turning civilians into soldiers, but half of the men and women before her were already there. She smiled grimly. They obeyed her without question now. A couple more weeks and they'd obey whichever superior commanded them, even if that command was to go to their deaths. The only problem was…

Killua didn't have to look up to know that Menchi's eyes were on him and Gon. He'd sensed her disapproval in their close friendship for a few days now. He knew exactly how she felt; making friends in the military was bad. The kind of bond you needed was the kind he had with Leorio and Kurapika. He respected them, and he'd grown close enough to them to risk his life for them in battle. But, if push came to shove and he had to make a choice to save them or listen to his commanding officer, he'd choose the latter. And he expected them to do the same; commanding officers chose what was best for the entire military, so disobeying an order and saving one friend's life could easily result in hundreds of other lives.

The problem was, if push came to shove and it was Gon's life in trouble, he honestly had no idea how he'd respond. He'd originally thought his high opinion of Gon would wear off, but the more he spent time with his friend, the more he liked him. Life felt simple around him, and every time they were together the world that usually felt stale and meaningless felt fresh and full of life. His eyes unconsciously drifted towards the boy beside him, and Gon gave him a huge grin. He quickly looked away, his heart picking up its pace just a bit. It was the push ups. They didn't usually strain him, but since it was day six, even his body must be getting tired.

"Good work, recruits! And, with that, first week of training is over! At ease!"

Everyone cheered as they finished their push ups, standing up and wiping their sweating brows. Squad mates huddled together, patting each other's backs and laughing with a relief they hadn't felt all week. Everyone had grown closer to their squad mates, even those who had initially fought. There was something unifying about doing the same training side by side every day.

"We did it, boys!"

Leorio laughed, ruffling Kurapika, then Gon, then Killua's hair with a laugh. They were all so happy they'd made it through the first week that none of them bothered to get angry or upset. Their schedule was such that they trained six days a week, then had every Sunday off to do whatever they wanted. Most people went into a nearby entertainment town, the guys going to the strip club or bar while the girls went to the dancing club or bar. Although a few girls naturally tagged along to the strip club as well.

"As a treat on me, I'm taking you all to the club downtown! No holding back! I'll even buy you young ones your first lap dance!"

Kurapika laughed and Killua rolled his eyes. Gon simply looked excited to be going out for the first time in six days. They marched back to their bunks, everyone except for Gon throwing comments around about what kind of woman they'd like and arguing about the clothes they'd wear. Gon was quiet, sitting on his bed and thinking hard. It was quite a rare site, so after a couple of minutes everyone calmed down and shot each other questioning glances. Gon's expression had quickly gone from contemplative to disappointed. Finally, Kurapika spoke up.

"What's wrong Gon?"

"Sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to go with you."

Everyone stared at him in astonishment. He was the one who'd been itching to get off the base and explore, but now he was saying he wouldn't?

"Why?!"

All three other squad members spoke at the same time, crowding around Gon with incredulous looks. He scratched the back of his head, looking down.

"I don't have anything else to wear."

* * *

Gon looked down at his clothes, his brow furrowed.

"Are you sure this looks okay?"

Everyone had been furious that he'd thought they'd let something like that stop him, and everyone had been quick to offer him clothes to wear. Of course, the only clothes he'd fit into were Killua's because Kurapika and Leorio were too tall. Seeing Gon wearing his clothes made Killua feel strange, and slightly uncomfortable, because all he could think about was a lover wearing the other person's clothes after… doing the deed. He swallowed. No, don't even go there. This is the military and Gon's your friend.

"They look fine."

Kurapika was reassuring him. Kurapika had been the one to pick out the clothes, and damn, the man knew how to dress someone. Gon was dressed in a loose white button up shirt with the top buttons undone, exposing a hint of his tanned, muscular chest. His jeans were also loose, and they were Killua's favourite designer jeans, ones that were rolled up at the cuffs about half way up a person's calf. On his feet he wore a simple pair of black flip flops he'd borrowed from Leorio because he had surprisingly large feet. He looked hot, there was no denying it. Killua wondered if he'd even have to pay for the lap dance Leorio had promised.

"Hm… okay. I like shorts better, though. And boots! That way nothing can hurt your feet."

Everyone laughed as they reached the club's doors and shoved them open. Shorts and boots? Gon was better off sticking with letting other people dress him.

The instant the door opened, the four were hit with a wave of scents, which included smoke, alcohol, and sweat. It was a familiar scent to Leorio, who'd been in more than a couple strip clubs, and Kurapika and Killua had no problems with it, but Gon wrinkled his nose. He almost looked like he wanted to leave, until he saw the way the lights pulsed all different colours. His eyes lit up.

"Woah! This is incredible, guys!"

Some of the older military guys from their base stifled laughs at his innocence. Killua couldn't believe it; had the kid never been to a strip club before? Well, now that he thought about it, Gon had come from an island. And he'd spent more time alone in a forest

"Would you guys like a table for four?"

Leorio's eyes bugged at the busty, scantily clad woman smiling charmingly at them. His face turned red and the look on his face couldn't be described as anything other than lecherous. Kurapika gave him a swat to the back of the head and smiled back at the girl, inclining his head.

"Yes, please, if it doesn't trouble you too much."

The woman seemed surprised by Kurapika's reaction, as if the majority of the customer's she got had the same reaction as Leorio. Her smiled turned warm, and she led them to a table that was relatively quiet. As they were walking, Gon leaned over and whispered way too loud into Killua's ear.

"She's really pretty!"

Killua's face turned red as the woman giggled, seemingly pleased with Gon's simple, innocent comment. When they were seated, she looked at all of them approvingly, her eyes resting on Gon for a heartbeat longer than the others. She gave a satisfied nod, then spoke in a kind, musical voice.

"I get a lot of requests, but most guys are so lecherous I just can't stand them. You guys are cute, though… My name is Aiko. How about if I entertain you tonight?"

Everyone's eyes grew wide. She didn't even need to strip to be totally gorgeous, and here she was offering to be their hostess. There was steam coming from Leorio's ears and nose as he tried to splutter something, but Kurapika shushed him. Just as he was about to answer, however, Gon surprised them all.

"Yeah! You seem nice so I think it'll be fun!"

Gon's grin was dazzling. Aiko giggled, her face flushing happily. "Thanks! And what's your name, sweetie?"

"Gon Freecss! And this is Kurapika, Killua, and Leorio. We're all in the military and it's been a pretty long week for us, but I'm sure it's been long for you too with all of these guys always hanging around. Take all the time you need."

Aiko's blue eyes widened prettily, then she clapped her hands happily. "You're adorable, Gon. For you, I don't mind at all."

She left humming, and everyone turned to Gon, their jaws hanging open in amazement. He didn't seem fazed or even embarrassed. Leorio glanced over his shoulder to make sure she was gone, then leaned down to whisper to Gon behind his hand.

"How did you do that?"

Gon blinked and shrugged, innocent as ever.

"I just told her the truth. Women like it when you tell them all the things that are nice and true about them. I did it all the time with the women who came to the island."

Everyone was floored. He'd done it all the time? Killua had thought that he had way more experience with women than Gon. He'd gone to second base multiple times, though he'd never actually gone the whole way because he never felt like it. He wondered if Gon had went all the way with anyone. If he had women like Aiko practically falling into his lap, it wasn't all that surprising. A small part of Killua felt wounded, and slightly angry. It was because Gon had gone all the way before he had, he told himself.

"So like… have you done it?"

"It?"

A pretty waitress came by and asked them for their orders. Kurapika, surprisingly, took the initiative and ordered them all some sort of fruity alcoholic drink, insisting they'd like it.

"It."

"Hm… maybe."

"M-maybe? How can you not know?"

Gon looked Leorio dead in the eye.

"I don't know what you're talking about. But… do you mean sex?"

Everyone fell silent. They waited until the waitress came back with their drinks, and they sipped as they listened to the back and forth between Leorio and Gon.

"Y-yes."

"Oh! Um… sort of."

"SORT OF?!"

A few of the patrons shushed Leorio with harsh curses. He had risen half out of his seat, but he quickly sat back down. Killua had spit out his drink when he'd heard that, and Kurapika listened with a slightly amused expression on his face.

"One time, I was going to, but then… I didn't feel like it. It was pretty hot under the covers, even though we were naked."

Three heads hit the table at once. Gon had been naked in bed with a girl, and he'd decided not to sleep with her because it was too hot? It was too much to handle.

"Do you have the self-control of a god?"

They didn't even notice Aiko peering out shyly from behind the curtain a few metres away from their table. She was adjusting her clothes, getting ready to walk out to the pole in the middle of their table. Gon looked at his squad mates as if he couldn't understand what they were talking about.

"She thought it was a big deal too. She kept saying 'But isn't it hard?' I didn't think it was that difficult. She apologized a hundred times for not playing before or something. I don't know. Sex just doesn't seem that appealing."

Again, three heads hit the table. Killua sat up and practically chugged his entire drink, not sure if he was feeling relief or embarrassment for the girl. Gon was so damn clueless it was frustrating. Leorio took a long drink, closing his eyes in jealous contemplation. He knew what he would've done in Gon's place. Kurapika pressed his lips together as hard as he could, trying not to laugh.

"Woah! Aiko's wearing different clothes!"

Everyone looked up, and their eyes widened as the girl they'd all previously considered pretty walked out looking like a goddess. High heels accentuated her long, shapely legs, and her blonde hair which had previously been up in a ponytail hung down almost to her waist. She wore a military outfit, and the cap topped off the look to make her look sexy, seductive and mysterious. Leorio almost passed out.

She sashayed up to the pole and began dancing, slow and full of appeal. Everyone in the room's eyes were drawn to her. Her skill as she slowly began removing camouflaged pieces of cloth was miles above any of the other girls. Leorio, hands shaking, drew a twenty out of his wallet and leaned forward. She leaned down to let him slip it into her camouflage bra, and then he really did pass out, his hand twitching.

"Aiko, you're amazing at dancing."

She smiled sweetly at Gon as she slowly began removing her pants. Killua had to avert his eyes or he'd have a problem he'd have to deal with in the bathroom if he wanted to walk home normally. Kurapika leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table as he grinned up at her like he did this all the time. When she was finally finished with her pants, Killua wordlessly handed her another twenty. Kurapika did the same. Gon looked horrified.

"K-Killua… I don't have any money."

Aiko spun around and around on the pole, her legs surprisingly muscled. She was extremely skilled. This wasn't just sensual; it was art. Her dancing was seductive, yes, but it was also beautiful. Her body twisted in ways most people couldn't even dream of moving. Killua opened his mouth to reply but all of the saliva left it when Aiko climbed off the table and placed one of her hands on Gon's chest. Gon looked up at her, then frowned.

"I'm really sorry, Aiko. I'd give you all the money I have because you're such a good dancer, but Aunt Mito is poor."

HE STILL HAD COMPOSURE? Even Kurapika was flushed! Aiko leaned down and breathed into Gon's ear.

"It's okay, sweetie. Your compliments are enough."

Well, Killua reasoned, Leorio had slipped the money for the dancing to the waitress. It wasn't like giving money directly to the stripper was required, unless you wanted a lap dance. But… Aiko was obviously going to give him a lap dance, money or not. She lowered her hips onto Gon's, wrapping her arms around his neck. Killua wanted to look away, didn't want to watch something so intimate, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. Gon opened his mouth to speak, but Aiko ground against him and his eyes widened.

"T-that feels… s-strange."

Killua couldn't take his eyes off of Gon's face, which was rapidly becoming flushed as Aiko danced on him and slid against him. Gon's eyelids lowered half way, the lashes fluttering. A small moan escaped his lips, then his eyes widened and he quickly clapped a hand over his mouth.

"W-wait."

Aiko laughed breathily and kept dancing. Gon was getting more flustered and turned on as she danced, and it was obvious the poor kid wouldn't last much longer. Killua's own breathing sped up as he watched, but he wasn't sure whether he was imagining himself in Gon's place or in Aiko's. No, stop. He needed to look away, but Gon's trembling lips were hypnotizing. Kurapika rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, not sure whether Gon or Killua's reaction was more embarrassing. He poked Leorio with his foot, not wanting to be the only awkward one in this situation. He felt like a… third wheel, or maybe even a fourth wheel, to a threesome.

Gon suddenly grabbed onto Aiko's hips and lifted her up. Her mouth opened in an O of surprise, and it would've been comical taken out of context. Gon moved her off of him and stood up quickly, biting down hard on his lip.

"S-sorry, Aiko. I feel strange. I need to use the washroom."

Everyone gaped as he ran off. Aiko frowned, then turned to Kurapika.

"Has your friend ever gotten off?"

Kurapika's face turned bright red as he held up both hands, shaking his head frantically.

"I have no idea."

Killua swallowed, trying to pretend he hadn't noticed the awkward way Gon had been walking.

"Based on his reaction… I don't think he has."

And that was that. Aiko still danced for them, even gave Leorio a lap dance after he woke up, but it was more subdued. It had to have been a full hour and Gon still wasn't back from the washroom. Aiko, sweating profusely from the dancing, excused herself and the three squad mates leaned forward, Killua and Kurapika filling Leorio in on what had happened.

"Do you think he's okay? I mean, do you think he knows how to deal with himself?"

Everyone froze. No, probably not. Or did he? There was no way he could be taking an entire hour to 'deal with himself' was there? They were all worried about what he was doing in the bathroom. But not a single one wanted to go and see for themselves, lest they walk in on something horribly embarrassing. Killua finally sighed.

"I'll go, then."

But it wasn't necessary, because suddenly Gon exited the bathroom and sprinted over to their table, his face flushed in a happy excitement. What had he…?

"Hey, hey, you'll never guess what happened!"

They all looked at each other. They had pretty good ideas about what had happened, but no one wanted to voice them.

"What?"

He was simply going to stare at them in excitement if no one asked, so Killua finally decided to. Gon beamed.

"I met a friend of Ging's in the bathroom! His name is Kaito! I was so excited I stopped feeling strange, and we even talked for an hour!"

Three heads hit the table again.


	6. I Won't Let Go

The second week of basic came in with a bang, bringing with it some interesting new developments. The first and foremost was Killua's revenge plan going bust. He hadn't mentioned anything about it, but he'd been researching who this 'Tonpa' was, and he'd been slyly collecting info on who the other guys who'd messed Gon up were. However, all of a sudden the info hit a dead end. He tried asking around, but people were completely clammed up about where the guys were. It was strange, suspicious. He threw his family name around a bit and finally got an answer. They were dead. They'd been murdered the morning Gon was found. That and the way people shied away from Tonpa's name made him realize just how dangerous BGen. Hisoka was. And he was still keeping a close watch on Gon.

The second thing happened on the second night. Menchi had been running them into the ground with drills, pushing everyone as far as they go so that even Killua was dead tired by the time he stumbled back to the bunks. Ten mile runs with fifty pound bags were killer. Menchi had assured them it would get easier, and that the next week would focus more on weapon and hand-to-hand combat. Still, they had to make it through this hellish week first.

Killua had walked slowly back with Gon, both of them using each other for support.

"Killua, we were first again today."

Gon mumbled it contentedly, swaying so much that Killua almost fell over.

"Yeah. We'll be first every day. We're awesome."

The only thing that stopped them both from tumbling over like cotton in the wind was the fact that Killua was swaying left and Gon was swaying right, and since they weighed around the same it somehow balanced out. Until Killua tripped forward and fell, which of course brought Gon down too. He landed on top of Killua, and Killua waited tiredly for him to roll off. But he didn't. Damn. He'd fallen straight to sleep. And the warmth and heaviness was making Killua sleepy too. He closed his eyes, and the next thing he knew he was in bed, only half awake, not really sure if he was hearing voices or dreaming.

"—on the bottom bunk."

"Well yeah, I can't lift him."

"—on the top?"

"—heights! Definitely not!"

"—sleep together. Do you–mad?"

"—don't think so. To be honest—"

"—too. It's pretty obvious."

"—they know?"

"Not yet."

"—protect them."

"Of course! They're—"

"—dear friends."

Killua only picked up bits and pieces of the conversation as he drifted in and out of consciousness. It sounded like Leorio and Kurapika, and he had a feeling they were talking about him and Gon. He sighed a little and drew closer to the warmth beside him. His mind registered that it was another person, but not much beyond that. He wrapped his arms around it, burying his face in skin. It smelled of earth, rain, and sweat, but it wasn't an unpleasant smell. He pulled it closer and fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

When he awoke groggily, he knew it was because his mind was registering a sound that could potentially be threatening. It should have had him bolting awake, but he felt inexplicably safe and warm. Nevertheless, he forced himself awake more, and then shot up, his eyes wide. It was dark, but he could still see the shape beside him. Gon? Why was he sleeping with—he shoved it to the back of his mind to focus on what the sound was. Whimpers, moans, growls. Lots of growls. And the sounds were coming from Gon. He rolled over and grabbed the flashlight he'd seen Gon keep beside his bed, frowning and flicking it on.

Gon was curled up, his lips drawn back in a snarl, his hands digging tightly into the flimsy bed sheets as he writhed and made strange, animalistic sounds. Killua blinked, still not fully awake, wondering what the hell the kid was dreaming about. He glanced over his shoulder slightly to make sure Gon wasn't waking up Kurapika or Leorio, then turned cerulean eyes back on Gon. What should he do in this situation? He wasn't sure. He should climb back into his own bed and forget about it, obviously. But Gon let out a low whimper, curling up more, and he knew he'd never be able to sleep with the knowledge that his friend was whimpering just below his bed, curling up as if in pain. He leaned forward, shaking Gon's shoulder lightly.

"Hey. Gon, wake up."

He wasn't prepared when Gon let out a low, chilling wail, so loud that it made Kurapika and Leorio shift. He pressed a hand against Gon's mouth, glancing back at them, but that was a huge mistake. He heard it before anything; a kind of soft, tearing sound with a squelch that made him shudder. The shock allowed him to turn his head and see it even before he felt it, but the difference wasn't that long. It felt like time had slowed down, as his eyes inched wider and wider, at the sight of Gon's teeth sunken into his hand so deep that blood was streaming down his arm. Then all hell broke loose.

Killua let out a scream of disbelieving pain, jerking his hand back and falling off the bed, clutching it in agony. Kurapika bolted up, leaping out of bed and grabbing the nearest thing that could be used as a weapon (which happened to be a frying pan). Leorio sat up so fast he hit his head on the ceiling, and a stream of curses that would make sailors flinch came from his general direction. And Gon… Gon opened his eyes, brought his hand up to his mouth, which was so coated in blood it made him look like something from a horror film, then leaned over the side of the bunk and threw up all over the ground.

Everyone froze in that position, wild eyed, looking at each other. Kurapika looked back and forth between Killua's hand and Gon's mouth, then he slowly lowered the frying pan and held a hand out to Gon cautiously, the way you might to a frightened animal. Leorio nervously climbed down, avoiding the vomit mess, and made his way over to Killua, gesturing for the silver haired boy to give him his injured hand.

"Gon, you need to calm down. I don't know what Killua did, but biting him isn't the right way to solve this."

Killua glared at Kurapika indignantly.

"I didn't do anything! I tried to cover his mouth to keep him quiet because he was making strange noises, and he bit me!"

There was an audible pause. Then;

"He was having a nightmare! Get your minds out of the gutter!"

Gon's eyes widened, then began shimmering. He leapt over the puke and crawled up to Killua. Killua backed up a little, holding an arm up defensively.

"I'm sorry Killua!"

Gon's voice was loud and mournful, as he pressed his hands and forehead to the ground, bowing over and over again.

"I was having a dream about fighting off racoons on the island! I didn't mean to bite you! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

He bowed over and over again, his head hitting the floor enough times that a red mark was starting to appear in the middle of his forehead. Killua tried to assure him that he wasn't mad, but Gon would hear none of it. He just kept adamantly apologizing over and over, all the while making strange faces and trying to wipe his tongue off every now and again. Leorio and Kurapika had to spend the next hour calming the two boys down and cleaning up the mess, and then it was time for PT with Menchi.

* * *

"Killua, I really am sorry that I bit you."

They were running the ten mile course again, and Gon and Killua were side by side, a mile ahead of everyone. Killua glanced at Gon from the corner of his eye.

"I told you a hundred times, it's fine! I should've known you'd do something like that. After all, you're like a wild animal."

Gon stuck his tongue out, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. Killua hefted his back pack higher onto his back, wincing a little at the pain that lanced through his hand. Leorio had quickly disinfected it and bandaged it up, but it had been deep and it had taken a while to get the bleeding to stop. Even now, after hefting the bag a little, the clot that had formed broke again and he could feel blood seeping into the bandages. That was certainly the last time he'd be putting his hand near Gon's mouth, that was for sure. But, on the bright side, the whole ordeal had been enough to make Gon forget the fact that he'd slept beside Killua for the majority of the night. Or the fact that Killua had held him like some sort of girl. Killua's face coloured at the memory. Even though he hadn't been thinking straight, he couldn't deny it had felt nice to have the spiky haired wonder in his arms.

Gon glanced over at Killua, his face guilty as he saw Killua's hand begin to bleed again. He wished he could carry Killua's bag in apology, but that would only serve to get them both in trouble. Stupid racoons. They stole food and now they were even influencing how he treated Killua. He reached out and grabbed Killua's injured hand, wrapping his fingers around it gently. Killua jumped in surprise, then stared at him blankly.

"What are you doing?"

"You keep using your hand. It's your right one, so you keep using it without even thinking. If you do that, it'll bleed. So I'll hold it for you so you stop using it!"

Killua stared for a second more, then let out a laugh, free and easy.

"What kind of logic is that? You can't hold my hand for the rest of the week! You're really an idiot, aren't you?"

Gon glared at him, raising a threatening finger.

"I will if you keep using it! I'll hold your hand all week and then everyone will see us holding hands and you'll be embarrassed!"

Killua leaned forward and flicked Gon in the head as hard as he could. Gon released his hand, clapping both hands over his forehead with a yelp. He rubbed it, pouting, and tried to make his glare more threatening. Of course, since it was Gon it only served to make him look comical and Killua couldn't hold back a laugh.

"Id-i-ot. I don't want someone as slow as you holding my hand. You can't even beat me in this run!"

Killua bolted as fast as he could, knowing it was stupid because he should be conserving his strength, but too exhilarated to care. When was the last time he'd felt like this? When he was a child, playing with Gotoh? No, even then it hadn't been like this. Right now, even as his hand throbbed and his chest burned for oxygen, he was happy. Gon was by his side, not prepared to lose, and they crossed the finish line together as usual, no real winner apparent. Menchi glanced at her timer, then shook her head. They may have a relationship that was frowned upon, but damn were they fit.

"I hope you're enjoying these runs, recruits, because the real fun starts Saturday."

Gon was lying on the ground, wheezing from Killua's punch to the stomach after he'd tried to claim that he'd won, but Killua straightened, wondering if he should be worried. When Menchi said 'fun,' things usually became hellish.

"Why? I thought we didn't start anything new until next week."

Menchi laughed, and the sound had Gon sitting up with wide eyes and Killua cringing.

"Oh, so did I. But your new instructor insisted, after hearing that Gon Freecss was part of the new recruits. He wants to give you a taste of what week four's Confidence Course will be like."

Oh man. The Confidence Course was the hardest thing of the first phase, according to every recruit ever. Gon and Killua shared a glance then spoke at the exact same time.

"Who's our new instructor?"

Menchi just laughed again, turning to mark times down for the rest of the recruits who were slowly filtering in.

* * *

Saturday rolled around in no time at all, thanks to everyone becoming slightly more used to the grueling pace set by Menchi. Squad three, the only squad who knew something was up (Gon and Killua had filled in Leorio and Kurapika) waiting impatiently for Menchi, early for the first time. Other recruits stared at them curiously as they approached, and soon everyone was wondering what was going on, as Menchi was late. Squad three was early and Menchi was late… something must be very, very wrong. Their fears were confirmed when Menchi marched up with a smile on her face.

"Stand at attention, recruits! We're marching! Single file, let's go!"

They marched resolutely, everyone fearing they were marching to their deaths. If Menchi was smiling, that was the only possible explanation. Their eyes grew wide with fear when they finally reached their destination. It was an obstacle course from hell. They only saw a couple of the things on it, but already some people looked scared enough to piss themselves. Menchi turned to her recruits, spreading her arms wide.

"This is the Confidence Course! Today, you'll only be doing one obstacle. But just remember, this is what you have to look forward to in another couple of weeks! Squad three, you're up!"

Oh. Menchi really was trying to kill them. Every recruit truly believed that at that moment. Then Gon stepped up, placing a hand over his eyes to shade them from the sun, and grinned. He turned to Killua his eyes sparkling. Killua nodded, excitement plain on his face.

"What's the fastest time, Sgt?"

Jaws dropped as even Menchi looked surprised, then she grinned slowly.

"Five hours. For the obstacle you're doing today, sixteen minutes."

"Yosh! I think we can do it in ten, right, Killua?"

Killua rolled his eyes, scoffing at Gon's naivety.

"Don't be stupid. I say seven is the max."

They both laughed, stretching, as they looked at the first obstacle. Seemed easy enough. You had climb a rather spaced out ladder made of logs, inch across a thick rope, then climb back down another ladder of logs. Leorio and Kurapika both let out small sighs; they'd never keep up with their rambunctious squad mates.

"Okay, I'll get the timer ready. Remember, if you fall and land in the water below, you're done for the day. We don't need any recruits getting sick."

Killua and Gon barely heard her, they were gazing at each other with obvious challenge, crouched down to sprint as soon as Menchi gave the word. She glanced at her timer, then back up at them. Everyone held their breaths, eyes alight with curiosity as to how well the two best recruits would do. Menchi raised one arm, slowly, holding it above her head for a second. Then she brought it down with finality, shouting 'Begin!'

Gon and Killua took off, bolting to the logs as fast as they could while Leorio and Kurapika followed half-heartedly. They tried scrambling up them with speed, but then quickly realized it was a bad idea and concentrated on quality. The logs had limited handholds, so you grabbed one too shallow you'd fall into the water. Gon's hand slipped once and everyone held their breath, but he quickly swung up and grabbed a different handhold. It gave Killua a lead on him though, as Killua laughed and reached the rope a few seconds before Gon. At that rate, he'd win as there was no way Gon could pass him when they were hanging from the rope by their hands.

Menchi watched in awe, glancing down at her timer. It had taken them three minutes. That was a record, for sure. It took the fastest person five minutes to get up, seven to get across the rope, and another four to get back down. Killua was already shimmying down the rope, Gon close behind, at five minutes.

Of course, the rope was the hardest part. It required you to wrap both arms and legs around it and slide along it inch by inch. Killua and Gon would've been fine, had the incident a few night ago not affected Killua's ability to hold on. He was moving at a decent pace, when suddenly, a sharp throb went through his hand. He glanced down and groaned inwardly to see that the bite wound had opened up again and blood was smearing down the rope. Gon noticed and looked up worriedly, slowing down.

"Killua, are you okay?"

Killua waved off his concern, concentrating on getting to the other side. He needed to prove he was more than just his family name, so doing well was important to him. Plus, he couldn't let Gon show him up. He gritted his teeth and kept going, though the pace was much more subdued than before. At this rate, they wouldn't beat the record. Damn. He threw caution to the wind and sped up, his hands blurring as he crawled. Almost there, almost there, almost—

Everyone gasped as his hand slipped, and it surprised him so much he didn't have time to grab onto the rope again. His body shook dangerously before his legs slipped from the rope and he was falling. He let out a frustrated yell, preparing himself to hit the water, but then he realized he wasn't falling anymore. He looked up in surprise to see Gon, clinging to the rope with one hand, feet dangling, as he clutched onto Killua's arm.

"YEAH, GON! YOU ROCK MAN!"

"WOOOOO!"

"YOU GUYS CAN DO IT!"

Shouts of encouragement drifted up from below; Gon and Killua had become fan favourites of the recruits, as they were full of life and always encouraging others. But Killua barely heard them. He shook his head, trying to pull his arm away.

"Gon, let go."

"No."

Gon hung on for dear life with both hands, one on Killua's arm and the other on the rope. His face was a mask of pain as he glanced back to the rope, then down at Killua.

"This is stupid. It's just practice, Gon. You're really going to hurt yourself. Just let go."

Gon shook his head stubbornly. The crowd below suddenly quieted as they realized what was going on. Leorio and Kurapika, who had finally reached the top, quickly mounted the rope to make their way down to their squad mates as quick as they could.

"It's not your fault. You caught me at a bad angle. Just let go already."

"I won't."

Gon drew in a sharp breath through his nose. He'd caught Killua alright, but in the process he'd twisted his shoulder into an awkward position and it was causing him a huge deal of pain. There was no way he could pull Killua up like that. But still, he didn't let go. Killua shook his head, changing tactics.

"Don't be an idiot. This is just practice! It won't matter if I fall or not. But you're going to injure yourself and you won't be able to go on."

Gon gritted his teeth, tears of pain in his eyes, and suddenly Killua felt his body rising. No. Oh god, don't say he was trying to do it. Killua shook his head frantically, his voice rising in panic.

"Stop! You'll ruin your shoulder!"

Gon lifted him even higher, the tears spilling onto his cheeks. There was a sick, creaking sound coming from his shoulder.

"Recruit! Stand down! Let him go!"

Menchi had finally gathered her wits enough to yell, recognizing the stubborn set of Gon's face and Killua's panic. She could see what was going on, and she felt panic building in her own chest.

"Shut up! I can pull him up!"

Everyone was deathly silent, their faces paling. Gon pulled harder, and Killua could feel the pain shaking his body through the grip he held on Killua's arm. Killua desperately tried to twist out of Gon's grip, but he only succeeded in injuring his friend further. His panic was quickly turning to fear. Stop. Don't do this. Please, not again. Why are you always doing this?

"Gon, please."

His voice broke, but Gon kept pulling, inch by inch getting Killua's hand closer to the rope. But at what cost? His shoulder was twisting more and more, and the muscles bulged in a way that was clearly painful.

"Why are you doing this?"

Killua's voice was a whisper. It suddenly felt like this wasn't about the training anymore, like it wasn't about the course. It felt like it was about much, much more. Gon looked down at him, shaking his head, his lips trembling.

"I won't let you fall. Never, ever. I need you by my side to survive. We're fighting together, remember?"

Tears spilled over onto Killua's face, but he barely noticed. It wasn't about the war. It wasn't about this war. It was about… He could see Gon looking at him, his face pale but resolved. It was about… "We can't win!" Killua was screaming and Gon was crying, and the Chimera Ants kept coming. It was about…

Gon let out a hoarse scream as he pulled Killua up those last few inches. There was a sickening pop from Gon's shoulder. Killua wrapped both hands around rope, pulling himself up and grabbing Gon by the back of the shirt, holding him up as Gon's eyes floated closed and he passed out. Whether it was from the pain or from something else, Killua wasn't sure.

"YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!"

Gon was slipping and Killua couldn't hold him up. He was going to fall, he was going to fall, he was—two more hands grabbed Gon's shirt and Killua looked up into the determined faces of Leorio and Kurapika. They nodded shakily to him, and he nodded back, swallowing. They all held onto Gon as they inched their way to the end, then the three of them together somehow managed to get him to the ground. They laid him out as everyone ran over. His eyes fluttered open for a second. Menchi was furious.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, RECRUIT? I SAID TO LET HIM GO! HOW IS IT BENEFICIAL IF YOU FALL TOO?"

Gon gave a small grin, raising his good arm to give his squad mates a thumbs up.

"It was okay. I knew my friends would catch me, like always."

Everyone stared at him, as he laughed sheepishly.

"You know, though. If this was a mission… we all would've made it out alive."

The simple statement shocked everyone. It was true. Gon had saved Killua, and the rest of the squad had in turn had saved him. In the end, if it was a mission, it was the only possible way for everyone to live. They all exchanged glances, then suddenly everyone was laughing, the tension that had been built up needing an outlet. They were laughing and patting Gon and his squad mates on the back. Menchi watched, her eyes wide in wonder. They were always taught friendship in the military was horrible, but if this was a real battle, Gon's trust in his comrades was the only thing that would've kept them all alive. She quietly moved away.

"When you said you wanted to show me something interesting, is this what you meant…"

Somewhere on the base, a long white-haired man who was preparing the next two weeks of training sneezed. Menchi smiled.

"…Kaito?"


	7. Getting (Un)Dressed

"No. I refuse."

"Come on, he'll love it."

"I know he will, that's why I'm not doing it."

"You can't stay mad at him forever."

"You wanna bet?"

Kurapika sighed, giving Killua a disapproving look. After the previous day, Killua had refused to even talk to Gon. Of course, he'd helped him to the medical tent and taken the day off with Menchi's permission to make sure Gon's shoulder wasn't permanently damaged, but, as Gon had tearfully told Kurapika and Leorio, he hadn't said a single word the entire time. Kurapika understood his reasoning; what Gon had done had been utterly stupid. He'd dislocated his shoulder, and somehow by only the grace of God none of his muscles had been damaged.

"Killua, why did you join the ground forces instead of the special task force your family is in?"

Killua frowned, crossing his arms as he leaned against the pole outside of the medical tent. After Gon had been treated, he refused to go in but he wouldn't leave the tent.

"I didn't want to be like my family. I don't like what they're doing."

Kurapika nodded, understanding the situation somewhat. In many ways, Killua and Gon were polar opposites from their family situations to the way they handled things. But if there was one thing they had in common, it was a quiet stubbornness that was hard to break.

"If you really didn't want to be like them, why join the military at all?"

Killua shrugged, avoiding Kurapika's eyes.

"I don't like what they are but I guess there's a part of them in me. I was trained to kill since I was young, so it was really the only thing I knew. When I thought about it, it was the daylight of the military or the darkness of the underground assassination association. Both choices were tempting in their own right, but I ultimately ended up here. I don't know why. Maybe fate steered me here or something, I don't know."

Kurapika listened intently. It was the most Killua had ever said about himself. Kurapika was pleased he was finally starting to open up more, and there was no doubt that a large part of that was thanks to the boy sitting only a few metres away inside of the tent.

"What do you hope to achieve here?"

The question seemed to startle the young, silver haired recruit, as if it was one he hadn't thought of before.

"I understand you want to get out of their shadow, but after these last couple of weeks, I can't believe that's still your entire goal."

Killua nodded slowly, then kicked at the ground, his eyes thoughtful. Kurapika didn't miss the way his eyes flickered to the front flap of the medical tent.

"I feel like… there's something I have to protect. No matter what."

They both knew what—or rather who—Killua was referring to. Kurapika and Leorio had been honestly surprised at how fast the friendship developed, and they constantly wondered if maybe Killua and Gon weren't telling the whole truth about how long they'd known each other. But then again, both men felt a kinship and protectiveness for their younger squad mates that shocked them. If there was such a thing as reincarnation… Kurapika shook his head. If that was the case, it didn't matter anyway. It wasn't like they could change anything.

"Do you want to stay by Gon's side?"

There was no hesitation in Killua's voice as he answered.

"Yes."

Kurapika nodded; he'd thought as much. Although… Killua sure knew a lot, but when it came to his own affairs, he was a little naïve. It was alright, though. Kurapika and Leorio had discussed it in detail, and they knew exactly what to do to help their juniors out. Leorio had proudly declared that he would do everything in his power to help Killua (and hopefully Gon, but who knew what exactly the innocent kid thought?) realize his feelings.

"If you're planning to stay by his side, you should at least talk to him. The silent treatment is childish."

Killua finally held up his hands in defeat. Kurapika was a hundred percent sure he would've never even had a chance of convincing Killua if Killua hadn't wanted to go see Gon himself. Kurapika held open the tent flap, gesturing inside with a raised eyebrow. Killua took the hint and went in, making his way to the back where Gon had been kept for overnight observation to make sure the swelling went down completely.

"Killua!"

Gon's smile was unsure as he looked up, shifting in his squeaky bed. The sling around his arm made Killua wince. He had to wear it for one week, but even though the dislocation hadn't been bad, it would still take another three weeks to heal. He technically wasn't supposed to do any PT or weapons handling, but the military left that up to Gon's discretion, as the dislocation was minor.

"I'm really angry with you, Gon."

Leorio stood up slowly, smiling at Kurapika meaningfully behind Killua's back as he left, pulling the curtain to give them some privacy.

Gon, for his part, wasn't sure whether to be happy Killua had spoken to him for the first time since the obstacle, or worried about Killua had said. Killua took a seat on the edge of Gon's bed, ignoring the chairs.

"The doctors say that if you'd strained anymore, the bone would've damaged some of your muscles, and it could've been irreparable. What you did was really, really stupid."

Gon opened his mouth to speak but Killua held up a hand, shaking his head.

"I don't want to hear it. I know you'll say sorry, but that you would do it again if the choice was there. That's what makes me angry. Gon… you have a self-destructive personality."

Gon's head dropped heavily, as if the phrase self-destructive was a rock that was physically crushing him. Killua crossed his arms, waiting until Gon looked up again to speak.

"When someone you love is in danger, you don't always need to jump to sacrifice yourself. The way you immediately come to that conclusion without considering asking for help or other options… It really scares me. Gon, are you…"

Killua hesitated, before finally deciding to come out and say it. He only half meant it, though; he wanted to say something that would leave an impression.

"…suicidal? Should I be concerned? It's like you try to find a way to justify your death and then once you find one, you just jump right in."

Gon's eyes were as wide as saucers, and for the first time he was at a loss for words. He gestured madly with his one hand, then it dropped and he blinked. Finally, he spoke, his voice coming out in a squeak.

"All I did was pull you up."

Killua nodded. That was true. It wasn't like there had been any life risking involved, but he still wanted to get his point across and with Gon that meant being extreme. Besides, there was no doubt in his mind that Gon would've tried to save him even if it meant his own death on the battlefield too. Killua leaned forward, placing his hands beside Gon's hips flat on the bed, and spoke slowly, seriously.

"If this happens on the battlefield and you die, what do you think will happen to me?"

Gon looked at him for a long moment.

"You'll live."

ARGH! How had whoever had raised this boy dealt with him? Killua wanted to find that person and either beg them for help or throttle them for letting him become so dense. Well, if he was going to blame anyone, it was Ging. It was a father's job to tell his son the way things were, straight up. Come to think of it… he wondered what Gon's mother was like. He'd have to ask later.

"No, I won't. If you die, I die. So if your life is in danger, so is mine. If you have to save someone, save yourself, okay? Because you're a part of me."

He hadn't meant for it to sound so… so much. His words were embarrassingly intimate in a way he hadn't meant for them to be. And yet… he meant what he'd said. Gon's light was the air he breathed. He couldn't imagine going to back to a world without this guy he'd barely known for a couple of weeks. He'd never considered himself soft or vulnerable, always thought his weak points were physical. As it turned out, he was learning a lot more about himself than he'd ever thought there was to learn.

"…Okay, Killua. I didn't know you felt that way. Sorry."

Killua blinked out of his reverie, studying Gon. He looked honestly regretful, and… happy. He looked happy and relieved.

"Killua… is it okay to feel that way?"

Killua frowned, wondering what Gon was getting at. Was it okay to feel that strongly about Gon? He should be asking that of his friend. Did Gon think what he'd just said was weird? Now he was beginning to worry.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… we've only known each other for two weeks. But I keep thinking that I can't imagine not knowing you. And every time I think about something happening to you… it hurts. So much that I want to hide you so no one can hurt you."

Gon fiddled with the covers, looking like a child caught doing something wrong. Killua released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, feeling as if someone had lit a warm, cozy fire in his heart that was slowly filling him up from head to toe. Gon felt the same way? Even though they'd only known each other for two weeks, Gon felt the bond between them as strongly as Killua did? Killua didn't know what to say. He knew he needed time to try and figure out just what those feelings were, since obviously Gon wouldn't know. But… knowing he wasn't strange, wasn't clingy or weird, was wonderful.

"Remember what I said when we first talked? No one tells me what to do. I don't care what other people think, so if you feel that way and I feel that way, they can all go screw themselves. We're friends and nothing anyone says or does can change that."

Killua wasn't sure if it was friendship or something else he was feeling, since it was something he'd never felt before. But it didn't matter. No matter what he felt, what he'd said still applied. No one could change his feelings, and he didn't give a shit if anyone tried. He leaned back, satisfied as a slow smile spread over Gon's face. It wasn't his usual cheerful one, or his sheepish one. It was warm, content and truly happy, and it made Killua feel all of those things too. He sighed. Just as he'd thought, there was no staying mad at this one.

"I've also been talking with Kurapika, and we both decided that you need some clothes. I'm rich so don't argue with me. I'm taking you to town and we're buying you some casual clothes. Also, I'm picking them out Mr. Boots-and-Shorts."

Gon laughed.

"Okay. Sounds like a date to me."

A date? Kurapika hadn't made it sound like that originally, but now that Killua thought about it, it really did sound like a date. Damn Kurapika's way with words. But Gon had just called it a date, and he'd even agreed to it. So, although he hadn't planned it to be like that at all, it seemed that Killua and Gon were about to go on their first date. In a completely friendly manner, Killua assured himself. Right. A date with a friend.

* * *

"What do you think of this?"

"Gon… that's the SAME shirt you showed me five minutes ago."

"No, the one I showed you was green. This one is blue."

Killua rolled his eyes in exasperation. He didn't know what he'd expected, but he should've known to expect something like this. Gon's sense of fashion was even worse than he'd imagined. Gon was constantly picking out clothes that looked similar, and none of them flattered him the way certain other clothes could. In fact, they only managed to make him look fifteen rather than eighteen. Dressed right, Gon could look like he was about twenty.

"Look, try this out."

Gon accepted the outfit Killua had picked up, frowning. A designer shirt with khaki shorts. He held it up to himself, shaking his head.

"You keep picking out clothes you would wear. I don't think they suit me."

Killua snatched the outfit back in annoyance.

"You're too picky!"

The woman behind the counter laughed. Killua's ears coloured, and he wondered not for the first time what other people saw when they noticed two young soldiers arguing over what clothes to wear. The woman behind the counter made her way around it, looking Gon up and down with a professional eye.

"Hi, boys. It's nice to see soldiers trying to develop a sense of fashion, so I'll help you! I'm Cutie Beauty, and I help out around the base sometimes."

She smiled, and Killua shuddered. She looked garish with the amount of makeup she had on, and the clothes she wore were way too over-the-top. But Gon nodded vigorously.

"Yes, please. Killua keeps picking out clothes that aren't comfy."

Killua bristled, wondering why he'd even agreed to this in the first place. But still… it was fun. Arguing over clothes, walking together, joking around. It felt like they'd done it before. But that was crazy. He kept having these strange feelings, sometimes even catching glimpses in his mind like memories, of things he'd done with Gon before. He shook his head; they made his mind hurt.

"Oh, I see the problem. Yes, your friend picks out clothes that would complement you, but you want clothes that are comfortable. I think I have just the thing."

'Just the thing' from her was probably a dress or something. But Gon let her drag him away, while Killua waited with crossed arms. He heard an excited exclamation from Gon, then the gaudy woman's chirping voice. If Gon liked it, it must be bad. He tapped his foot impatiently, wondering if Gon would actually try something on. Then he heard a mutter and the woman peered out from behind a rack of clothes, gesturing Killua over.

"Your friend needs help changing. His arm is hindering him."

Oh crap, he'd totally forgotten about that. Leorio had helped Gon dress himself before, and he'd said Gon would need help getting dressed for the next couple of weeks. Killua sighed and made his way over, opening the dressing room door. Cutie Beauty giggled, raising a mocking finger.

"And no hanky panky in there, boys."

Killua's face flushed; so people did think they were a couple.

"It's not like that."

He quickly shut the door behind him after his mutter, not wanting to get into an argument. Gon looked up, wincing.

"Sorry, Killua. I forgot about my injury. "

Killua shrugged; let bygones be bygones. As long as Gon didn't do something stupid again, he'd let this one time slip.

"I only need help with my shirt. I think I can get my pants off by myself. It's just getting the sleeve off of my arm."

"Okay, I'll take the sling off. Do you need me to hold your arm up?"

"No, I can hold it up, you just need to help me get my shirt over my head."

"Okay."

It was a much bigger ordeal than Killua had thought. He removed the sling and Gon held his arm stationary as he tugged at the bottom of his shirt and Killua tugged at the top. Actually getting it over his head made Gon gasp out as his shoulder shifted. Killua grabbed his hand, moving it away.

"I got it, I got it, don't strain yourself."

Gon nodded, and Killua was surprised. It must hurt more than he'd been letting on if he didn't insist on helping Killua take his shirt off. Once he'd gotten it over Gon's head, it was just a matter of sliding it as gently as he could off of Gon's injured arm. Man, if this was what it took just to get the shirt on and off every time, they should've waited for a couple of weeks to go clothes shopping.

"Are you sure you don't need help with your pants?"

"No, but I may need help putting the new shirt on."

Killua leaned against the door, waiting to make sure Gon really could get out of his pants. Now that Gon's shirt was off, he could clearly see the swelling on his shoulder, and it looked really painful. He'd have to make Gon ice it when they got back.

Gon struggled with his pants, shoving them down with one hand and wriggling, kicking his feet. It was comical, but… Killua looked away, suddenly feeling awkward. He was in a dressing room, on a date, helping his date get out of his clothes. If it had been anyone else but Gon, and if it had been any other situation but this one, he knew exactly what that would've meant. But it was Gon, so those thoughts were just stupid. Gon hopped up and down, trying to get his one trapped leg out of his pants, then he stumbled forward and fell.

"Shit!"

Killua caught him by his good shoulder and, not knowing where else to put his other hand, he grabbed Gon's waist. Woah. Gon's skin was really warm. And smooth. He'd never actually seen Gon with no clothes—it wasn't like he looked when they showered—but now that he did, he realized Gon had a nice body. Like a really, really nice body. His abdomen was solid muscle, and every muscle from his shoulder to his calf was toned and tanned. He'd always thought Gon was childish, but this was most definitely not the body of a child. This was the body of a man.

"You can let me go now, I'm fine."

Killua's cheeks flamed as he released Gon, looking anywhere but at his friend. He should've known from experience that not keeping an eye on Gon was a bad idea though. He felt fingers at the bottom of his stomach and he jumped, turning back to see Gon lifting his shirt and peering at his abdomen.

"W-what the hell are you doing?"

Gon looked disappointed.

"We're even tied in the muscles on our stomach. I thought I might be able to beat you at least in that."

Killua jerked his shirt down, hiding his discomfort with annoyance.

"Yeah, yeah. Hurry up and get those new pants on so I can help you with your shirt."

Gon grabbed the pants Cutie Beauty had given him, frowning. He looked up at Killua pleadingly. Don't look at me like that. Don't make that face at me. Killua pretended he hadn't seen it, but Gon kept staring at him like a lost puppy. Finally, Gon spoke.

"Can you help me put my pants on?"

Was he paying for crimes in a past life? He shouldn't be feeling this strange at just helping his friend put his clothes on, but his face was warm and his heart was pounding as he crouched down and held Gon's pants so Gon could slip into them. Gon wavered, then sunk his fingers into Killua's hair to stay upright as he stepped into them. Why oh why was sliding Gon's pants up his legs making him react so much? His throat was dry, and he wanted to bolt, but Gon's hand on his head held him steady.

"What kind of shampoo do you use? Your hair is really soft."

Gon's fingers traced shapes on his skull and he could scarcely stand it. He finally got Gon's pants up and then he had to do the belt up. His fingers trembled and he could barely speak; Gon was still playing with his hair as if he were some sort of cat. He was just helping a friend get dressed! It shouldn't feel this weird! But getting Gon's belt done up was destroying pieces of him in ways he didn't know they could be destroyed.

"Stop! Don't!"

Gon's shriek made him freeze. His fingers had been shaking so hard they'd brushed against Gon's abdomen. Gon bit down hard on his lip, his face red, shaking.

"That tickles."

Oh lord. This was torture. Killua finally got the belt done up and he stepped back, his breathing shaky and his head spinning. But there was still more. He had to get the shirt on. Gon's hand had dropped from his hair, so there was that at least. But he couldn't get the feeling of the strong fingers moving across his head out of his mind. He closed his eyes for a second, taking in deep, calming breaths. There was no way he'd admit to anyone, especially himself, what exactly it was he wanted to do with Gon at that moment.

"Can you just… not move? It's making things hard."

Christ, he'd meant to say difficult. This situation was crushing his self-control and mental health. He fumbled with the tank top as quickly as he could, sliding it over Gon's injured shoulder then head, pulling it down, his fingers unintentionally trailing down Gon's back. Gon shivered, and then the shirt was on… but they were face to face. Killua was frozen, unable to move away. Gon didn't move either, he seemed to be searching Killua's eyes for something. Gon's mouth opened and when he spoke, his voice sounded strange, his breath hot on Killua's face.

"Do you want to—"

"Are you almost done in there?"

Cutie Beauty interrupted whatever Gon had been about to say. Gon quickly stepped back and grabbed the vest, the last part of clothing Cutie Beauty had given him.

"Yeah, just the vest left! I got this, Killua, you can wait outside; I'm okay."

Killua swallowed, turning away. Did he want to what? What? What was Gon going to say? Stupid, stupid woman, he'd really, really wanted to know what Gon was going to say. Well, it was probably something innocent, like 'Do you want to get ice cream after this?' No use worrying about it. He glanced over his shoulder at Gon as he opened the door. Gon looked at him, and for second, the look his friend gave him made his heart speed up. Then Gon blinked and gave Killua his usual grin as he gingerly shrugged on the vest.

* * *

When Gon exited, the clothes he wore were surprisingly good for him. Dusty green cargo pants, a tight white tank top, and a green sleeveless vest edged with orange. It was really… him. A style that suited him perfectly. Killua bought it on the spot so Gon could walk out wearing it, completely unprepared to help Gon dress and undress again. After that, the day continued normally—Gon did end up asking for ice cream and they flicked it at each other, laughing and trading jokes. But Killua felt like something had changed, just the smallest bit, between them. He couldn't decide if it was good or bad. Only time would tell. For now, though, either Leorio or Kurapika was going to have to dress Gon, because there was no way Killua's mind or body would be able to handle it even one more time.


	8. Frustration and Fakers

After the day with Gon, Killua was too frustrated not to do anything. If he'd ever felt like this before, it had been fine because PT would work him over until he was too tired for anything, but after that day, he just couldn't let it go. So now here he was, under the covers, flashlight in his mouth, holding a porn mag in one hand and… well, it was obvious what he was doing with his other. He'd made completely sure everyone was asleep, and he suppressed all of the sounds he made. It should've been fine—he had his mind completely focused on the task at hand (no pun intended) and he was thinking about the girl he was looking at. The girl, and nothing and no one else. He was about to push himself over the edge, when a small voice drifted up from the bottom of the bunk.

"Killua…"

He froze, his concentration shattering. Shit.

"Mm… Killua… are you okay? Your breathing is all funny."

Gon's voice was thick with the haze of sleep, and it had a hoarse tinge to it. The flashlight dropped from Killua's mouth and when he spoke, his voice was almost guttural.

"I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

He closed his eyes, but nothing he could do could get his breathing back to normal. He was painfully caught between finishing and not, and Gon's voice was going to push him over the edge if he wasn't careful. There was no way he'd be able to convince himself his feelings were simply friendly if that happened, and no way he'd be able to look Gon in the face. He just had to wait for his raging desire to subside for a couple of minutes, then he'd leaf through the magazine. Yeah, that was—

"Alright. But if you aren't feeling well and you need help, you can tell me and I'll help you."

Help him… He couldn't stop the images flashing behind his eyes of Gon 'helping' him with this. His hips jerked and he turned his head frantically, biting down on his pillow as hard as he could to stifle his moans, riding waves of pleasure that made his head spin. Shit, shit, shit. Fuck, it felt so good though, and the image of Gon's hand replacing his own drove him completely over the edge. His breathing was ragged and shivery whimpers of pleasure barely stifled by the pillow spilled from his lips as he finished. Woah. That had been better than any time he'd ever done it. But… he clenched his jaw, banging his head softly against the bedframe. There was no denying it had felt so good because he'd been thinking of Gon.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

The covers shifted and Killua had no time to say a thing before he was face to face with Gon, who'd innocently lifted the covers off of Killua's head to make sure he was fine. Gon's eyes widened for a second and Killua thought he'd yell or get angry or make a big fuss. But he only leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Killua's. Killua drew in a sharp breath, his hips wriggling uncomfortably. He'd just gotten off, but if this kept up…

"Your head is hot. I thought your cheeks looked red. I think you have a fever! I should get you to the medical tent to check."

Gon attempted to lift the covers off of the rest of Killua but Killua grabbed his hand, shaking his head frantically.

"No! Don't! I'm… um… I'm fine. Really. If you still think I look bad tomorrow, I'll go with you then. I promise."

Gon hesitated, and Killua pleaded with whatever deity was listening to make his thick-skulled friend go back to sleep. If this kept up, he'd end up dragging Gon onto the top bunk with him and making sure the word 'friend' wasn't even a part of their relationship. Gon finally nodded, cracking a yawn.

"Okay. Just remember you promised."

He ducked his head back down and went back to his own bed, his breathing easily fading into slumber. Killua cursed himself in a hundred different languages as grabbed the tissues he'd prepared, cleaning himself up. This was bad. This was really, really bad. Because right now, the biggest solution to his dull, dark life was Gon. And, after this, he was undoubtedly also the biggest problem.

* * *

The recruits all lined up expectantly, idly chattering as they waited for their new instructor to show up. No one had any idea what he'd be like, they only knew it was a he. Gon was practically bouncing in excitement, wondering if it was someone who knew Ging. He beamed at Killua, who gave him a half-hearted smile back before averting his eyes. Gon frowned, his excitement dying a little. Killua had been like that all morning. At first, Gon had thought it was because he really was sick, like he'd seemed last night, but after Gon had insisted on checking his temperature and found everything was fine, it seemed that wasn't the case. Now, every time he looked at Killua, Killua almost refused to look at him. And when they made any physical contact, even if it was an accidental brush of hands, Killua would jerk away like he'd been burned. And he hadn't helped Gon get dressed at all.

Gon kicked at the ground, wondering if it was his fault. It seemed like Killua was really upset about something, and the only thing he could think of was the incident that had happened in the dressing room. Killua could read him too well, so he must've figured out what Gon was going to ask. Gon didn't know why he'd wanted to ask, but he'd felt strangely warm and exhilarated with Killua standing so close, and the question had sprung to his lips before his mind had even had time to filter it. 'Do you want to kiss me?' He'd wanted to know, because at that second he'd really, really wanted Killua to. And then they'd kiss for a long time, and then they'd press close together, and then… He frowned thoughtfully. They'd be naked in bed? It was much more boring than kissing, the whole sex thing. No, that couldn't be it. He didn't know would happen next. He only knew that was what happened with girls. But it had never seemed as exciting with them as it did when he thought about Killua.

He bit his bottom lip worriedly, wondering if Killua hated him now. Killua probably liked girls more. Killua probably liked girls like Aiko, who could dance and who were really pretty. Gon reached up and pressed his hand over his heart, surprised at the slightly nauseous feeling. If Killua knew, he would definitely think there was something wrong with Gon. Or maybe he already knew, and that was why he was being so cold. So what should he do? Should he try to convince Killua he could be normal again, that they could go back to being friends? Should he give Killua space? He had no idea; he'd never felt this way about anyone, especially not another boy. His hand tightened into a fist over his heart. He couldn't lose Killua.

"Hi. I'm going to be your new instructor. I'm Major Kaito. I uh… I normally don't do training, but the war is almost over so I thought it wouldn't hurt…"

Gon's eyes widened more and more and more, then a smile grew across his face that shone like the sun. He'd only spoken to Kaito for a bit, but he'd felt an affinity with the man he'd never felt with anyone before. It was different from Killua, it was more… well, family like. Kaito had told him about Ging, and how he'd found Kaito in a worn-torn village during one of his battles, and he'd seen something in Kaito he'd liked so he brought him into the military. He said he'd actually met Gon once, though he doubted Gon would remember, when Gon was a small baby. But Ging had been completely tight lipped about who the mother was.

"Kaito!"

Everyone stared in surprise as Gon ran up to Kaito and leapt, throwing one arm around the white haired man's neck and hugging him with ferocity of a little bear. Kaito blinked a couple of times, before reaching up to deftly untangle Gon from his arms. Gon didn't catch the look of surprise, then deep, horrible worry on Killua's face, as Killua felt a sense of foreboding worse than he'd ever felt before worm its way into his bones.

Then Kaito smoked Gon. Right across the face with his fist, sending Gon flying, rolling for a good few metres before he came to a stop. Everyone gaped in shock, then quickly stood at attention, all saluting. Menchi had been scary, but she'd never physically struck someone. Kaito had punched Gon so hard that when Gon sat up, there was a nice stream of blood coming from a cut in his cheek. Killua took a furious step forward, but Gon's laugh stopped him.

"That punch feels really familiar. I think I do remember you!"

His smile didn't dim even a little. If anything, it grew bigger, though he clutched his wounded shoulder with one hand and his fingers were digging into it in obvious pain.

"Gon, you still don't seem to understand that doing stupid things will get you and other people killed."

Gon looked down reflectively for a second, nodding before leaping up and making his way back to the line as if nothing had happened. Kaito gazed at him for a second longer before nodding in satisfaction and turning to the rest of the recruits.

"Weapons and martial arts. That's what I'm going to be teaching you. Everyone pair up with someone in your squad for the next couple of weeks."

The pairs were almost instantaneous. The only people who weren't immediately paired up were squad three. Killua opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything Gon walked over to Leorio and looked up at him seriously.

"Leorio, do you want to be my partner?"

Leorio swallowed thickly, his eyes finding Kurapika's. Killua turned away haughtily and marched over to Kurapika.

"I guess Leorio will have to be Gon's partner, since there's no one else left for Gon to pair up with."

The way he said it was hurtful. As if no one wanted to team up with Gon anyway, and he was the last choice. The kid no one wanted to pick. Gon bit his lip and turned away, his shoulders hunching up like a kid about to cry. He'd been too scared to ask Killua. He'd thought Killua might say no, and might even end their friendship then and there because he thought Gon was too weird to be friends with. Gon had no idea that he'd hurt Killua just as much by asking Leorio, so Killua had lashed out in fear and anger. Kurapika sighed lightly, nodding to Leorio, who took the hint. Get information about what the hell is going on.

"No."

Kaito was watching their group, and his quiet word made everyone turn to stare.

"Gon and Killua are a pair."

There was no room for questioning. His eyes said they had no choice. Gon nodded and made his way over to Killua, avoiding his friend's eyes. Killua did the same, and the two stood stiffly beside each other, not speaking or looking. It was worrying to everyone, to say the least. What could have possibly happened to make the two closest recruits in the camp fight like this?

"We'll do martial arts in the morning, then weapons in the afternoon. All while you're still taking classes, of course. Pairs, get together. I'm going to demonstrate how to defend a physical attack from behind."

* * *

The week passed slowly. It would've been extremely fun, had Killua not seemed so mad at Gon. He tried to get Killua to talk to him a couple of times, but ultimately gave up and decided to give Killua one more week. One more week, and then Gon would ask Killua if it was because Gon felt strangely towards him.

The weapons training wasn't bad, since they'd been learning a lot in class. Kaito's weapons training had some swords, but for the most part it was hitting targets with guns. Machine guns, pistols, sniper rifles, normal rifles… they practiced with everything. Gon managed to keep up by ignoring the pain in his shoulder, and the weapons training was more individual than anything so he didn't have to deal with Killua's foul mood towards him.

Actually, Kaito often came over to help him during weapons training, offering tips on how to lighten the load on his shoulder. It was selfish and Gon knew it, but he began ignoring Killua and dedicating all of his energy to Kaito. He wanted to see if maybe that would make his feelings go away, so he could go back to being just friends with Killua. That was what he told himself, but he knew deep down it was because Killua's scorn was hurting him more than he could admit, and he just needed someone to make him feel better.

"Kaito, can I stop by your tent and talk about Ging after supper?"

That had been the second day. Kaito had agreed, and Gon had stayed chatting with him well into the night. Until there was no way Killua could be awake anymore. After that, he was talking with Kaito every night. Despite the fact that he was sort of using Kaito, he really was enjoying himself. Kaito was becoming more and more like a surrogate father to him. Finally, the night before their day off, Kaito brought up something that had been bugging Gon all week.

"Gon… why are you and Killua so vicious during martial arts training?"

Gon looked down at his hands, twisting them together and apart over and over. It was true; they were vicious. But Killua had been the one who'd started it. The first day, they'd had to flip each other over their shoulders, and Killua had flipped Gon onto the ground with gentleness, sitting on his waist and pretending to plunge a fake knife into Gon's chest, as the training called for. But when he was done the exercise, his face had taken on a really strange look and he'd quickly clambered off Gon. Gon had a little more difficulty flipping Killua over, but he'd eventually managed to do it. The problem started when he'd sat on Killua's hips and pretended to stab him.

Killua had made the strangest noise, kind of like a growl, and he'd shoved Gon off of him with a force a hundred times harder than necessary. It had hurt much more than Gon let on, so Gon had retaliated, not thinking straight through the pain of his injury. They'd gotten into a huge fight and Kaito had to separate them. After that, Killua's use of martial arts had been rough, cruel. He'd kick, punch or flip Gon with an incredible speed and stand back afterwards and look away as if Gon wasn't worth the time of day. Minimal touching, minimal interaction. Just takedown. Gon had been determined to prove himself equal, so he did the same. But… it hurt. Every time they executed a move, Gon felt like a piece of him was dying.

"I don't know… Killua's just…"

Gon twisted his hand together painfully.

"He's just…"

He sniffed, pressing his lips together.

"Killua…"

Then the tears started to flow. He wiped his eyes furiously, but they wouldn't stop. He was just so frustrated at not being able to understand what was going in his best friend's mind. Killua acted the same around Leorio and Kurapika, so why was he so cold to Gon? Even when they'd first met, he hadn't been this cold. Gon pressed his hands over his eyes, trying to calm himself. He felt a warm hand rubbing his back, and then suddenly he burst into tears, sobbing.

"Killua hates me and I don't know why! I think he thinks I'm really weird because I wanted to kiss him once, and now he won't even look at me. He doesn't talk to me ever, and he doesn't sit near me. It's all my fault! I ruined everything because I wanted to kiss him, and now I don't know what to do. I can't stand it, because he looks so sad all alone! But he won't let me be with him. I'm stupid so I don't know what to do."

His rant was dispersed with sobs, and understanding of the situation finally dawned on Kaito. The way Killua only glanced at his friend when he knew Gon wasn't looking, then caught himself and seemed angry. The way his face coloured and he practically bolted away every time he touched Gon. The awkward, messy way they both tried desperately to hide their feelings despite the fact that they shared the same ones. Kaito let out a long sigh. He'd expected to do many things, but giving his best friend's son love advice for a requited love towards a Zoldyck boy wasn't one of them.

"Listen, Gon, I think I understand. Killua is—"

The conversation was interrupted by a scream. Kaito bolted up immediately, his hand flying to the pistol he always kept on his belt. Then came the sound of gun fire. Gon's eyes widened and he leapt up as well.

"It's coming from the bunks… Killua!"

Kaito's hand just missed Gon's top as he flew out the tent flap, running as fast as he could to his bunk. There were tons of dark shapes swarming through the base, and Gon was forced to hide himself in the shadows as more shapes came out and suddenly there were brawls and gun shots and screams and shouts. Somewhere on the base, a bell started ringing and he heard a huge, booming voice yell, 'We're under attack!'

Killua. Killua had to be alright. Leorio and Kurapika too. Gon slipped through the shadows, his heart pounding. At one point, a man ran up to him, a crazy look in his eyes, swinging a machete. Gon's body had reacted before his mind even processed what was going on, and then was a sudden spray of warmth across Gon's face. He glanced down to see the machete in his own hand, darkness dripping down it. Oh. He'd just killed someone. But there was no time to dwell on it—this was a war and what had to be done had to be done.

There was a huge blast and Gon was blown off his feet, launched approximately twenty feet from where he'd previously been. He lay on the ground for a moment, his ears ringing and his body feeling strangely numb. Kaito… was Kaito alright? Gon glanced back just a red flare lit up the sky, and his eyes widened. There were… those twitching things on the ground were… He closed his eyes for one second, allowing himself to feel a brief twinge of horror, disgust and pity for whoever the limbs had belonged to. But they weren't Kaito's and they weren't any of his squad mates, so he didn't have time to mourn for them. He stood up, one of his legs wobbling.

He glanced down and drew in a sharp breath; a piece of shrapnel was buried into the meat of his thigh. His mind told him to think rationally. Okay, he was in shock so he wouldn't feel it. Next… it hadn't hit a major artery, so he wouldn't bleed out right away. He took his shirt off, tearing a long strip out of it and tying it around the top of his leg tightly. He'd deal with it later. Right now, his first priority was his friends. He leaned down with a wince and scooped up the machete, thanking god that the adrenaline also made his shoulder's ache fade. He limped back to the bunks as quickly as he could, but it was too late.

He arrived in time to see soldiers painted camouflage from the other side herding recruits out from the bunks. He hid in the shadows, his eyes wild as he searched among them. His breath stopped. There. Killua, Leorio, and Kurapika were being led out of the bunk, shackles tight around their wrists. Gon crouched low, his fist tightening around the cold steel of the machete. There were about seven soldiers, total. But they were all spread out. He'd have to wait until he found a good chance if he wanted to take them all on.

They moved out quickly, dragging a line of shackled recruits with them. A couple of the recruits had yelled and tried to struggle, but they'd taken bullets to the head. Gon didn't allow himself to see which of his comrades had been killed—he kept his eyes on Killua, Leorio and Kurapika, following with the stealth of a wild animal. He would save his friends, no matter what.

It seemed like the trek lasted hours, when in reality the most it could've lasted was an hour. The recruits were exhausted, stumbling along meekly. But Killua… Killua kept turning his head every couple of seconds, searching the line frantically. His eyes were filled with fear, but it wasn't just fear for himself. Gon's heartbeat was painful.

"Eyes forward, you little shit."

One of the soldiers cracked Killua on the side of the head with the butt of his gun. Killua dropped his head, blood running down his face like crazy, streaming down his chin. Leorio, who was behind him, looked extremely worried, and Kurapika did as well. Gon felt something shift within him. He went from scared, frantic, and worried to calm in about a second. He drew in a deep breath, and stepped out from his cover.

"Die."

His arm moved in one smooth, graceful arch, slashing across the jugular of the soldier who'd hit Killua. The soldier didn't even have time to scream as he fell, and Gon faded back into the shadows. None of the recruits had recognized Gon, so they all stared in horror as the soldier fell, shocked at whatever had come out of the bush. It had looked like a monster—blood splattered across its face, its eyes deathly calm, a slight quirk of disgust on one side of the mouth. Killua looked up, his eyes widening. He hadn't seen Gon, but he'd heard the voice. He could've sworn it was Gon's… but it had been slightly different.

"C-Christ! Takashi's been killed!"

The rest of the six soldiers stopped as the one near the end found the body. He blinked, his face paling.

"It wasn't one of these greenhorns… the weapon was one of ours."

The soldiers all looked at each other now, mistrust growing between them. Gon's boots barely made a sound as he stepped out, and then he was swinging the machete as hard as he could. It hit skin, bone, other parts, and then there was blood, shooting, screaming and choked gurgling noises. No one knew what was going on, but Hanzo had managed to conceal a lock pick in his uniform and he'd slipped out of his shackles. He quickly ran along the line, freeing recruits as fast as he could.

"The prisoners are escaping!"

The shout drove everyone into a frenzy, as reinforcements with weapons from the opposite side began spilling into the clearing.

"Now!"

The chaos was multiplied by a thousand at Kaito's shout, and suddenly there were swarms of soldiers from both sides. Everyone was so packed together that using guns was impossible if you didn't want to risk hitting your own side, so everyone was using knives and machetes and swords.

Gon, who was now absolutely coated in blood, hacked his way through the throng as he searched for either Killua or Kaito. He narrowed his eyes as he saw someone creeping up behind Kaito. It looked like a woman, with short white hair and dangerous pink eyes. She grinned as she lunged, placing a hand over Kaito's mouth and dragging him away. Gon's furious scream was so loud it even cut through the din of the battle, but only one person paused to search for the source of the scream.

"If the leader falls, so do the troops."

The woman giggled as Kaito twisted out of her hold and pulled out a knife. She made a fist and knives slid out of her gloves, long and sharp. Kaito turned and ran, drawing her away from the battle. Gon only just managed to catch a glimpse of them and he hurried to catch up.

They fought through the trees as if they were doing some sick, twisted dance, until finally the trees opened up into a small clearing. And there was nowhere left to run—the trees were behind them and in front of them was a huge gorge, home to a swelling, frothy monster of a river. Kaito glanced back for a second, getting his bearings, then resumed the fight. Despite his incredible skills, the cat-like woman was getting the better of him and they both knew it.

"Kaito!"

Gon's voice was a gasp as he burst into the clearing to see the two fighting dangerously close to the edge of the gorge.

"Gon, stay back! This woman, Pitou, is a Lieutenant General for the other side!"

He hadn't meant to make it sound so obvious, but Pitou instinctually recognized what he was implying. She was irreplaceable on the other side, but he wasn't. So if he could take them both off of the gorge, it was their side that would ultimately benefit. She snarled in annoyance, her attacks increasing in pace and strength. Gon gripped the machete as tightly as he could, and started running. He had to save Kaito, no matter what the cost. Closer, closer, closer…

"Not this time."

The quiet voice made everything else fade to the background. Gon's head turned as if in slow motion to see Killua moving past him, faster than he'd ever moved before. Killua glanced at him for just one second and it was as if the world had been paused.

If Kaito died, Gon would turn into a husk of darkness and there was nothing Killua or anyone else could say to help him. So Killua would just have to make sure the man didn't die. He'd made a promise to be Gon's light, and he would. Gon had all the support and family he needed here. He would be okay.

Pitou screamed in fury as Killua wrapped his arms around her and shoved with all of his might. She tried to grab onto the edge as they flew out past it, but he held her arms firmly as if embracing her. When he was sure they were far enough out, he released her. And they both fell down, down, the water swelling up to swallow them. The last thing Killua saw was Gon's face high, high above him, Gon's arm reaching out as if he could still catch his friend.

Oh yeah. That's right. I guess I made another promise, didn't I? I promised I'd always be by your side… Sorry, Gon. It looks like this is one promise I won't be able to keep.

Then he hit the water with enough force to bounce his brain off the side of his skull, and the world was lost to him.


	9. Run To You

"Onii-chan, Onii-chan! Gon-nii-chan came today and made a wish!"

"W-what? Gon did? Why the heck did he do that?"

"He really, really wanted me to remember his message to you, so he wished I would!"

"A wish, huh… Crap! I can't even remember what the last one was! Alluka, what did you ask him to do?"

"A kiss on the cheek, a kiss on the forehead, and a kiss on the lips."

"Alluka! How many times do I have to tell you that Gon's kisses are mine?"

"But Gon-nii-chan is so cool. I love him."

"I hope you mean you love him like a brother."

"No! I'm going to marry him!"

"Hey, wait a sec! That's my line!"

"Onii-chan, I need to give you his message before we argue."

"…Agh, fine. Why did he not just give it to me himself?"

"He said… um… oh yeah! Nanika says he said that the Chimera Ants are mad."

"Hah? But we've been at peace with them for almost five years now. Why are they so mad?"

"No, no! Not those ones! The ones on the Dark Continent!"

"The Dark Continent? Where Ging is?"

"Un! They wanted the queen they sent to take over the world, and they're mad that we killed her and the new king."

"They sent her? In that case, we should be the ones who are mad."

"But now they want to start a war and take over once and for all."

"A… war?!"

"Un! Gon-nii-chan said Kaito-nee-chan is the only one they'll talk to, so she's going to make a… a treat… treat…"

"Treaty?"

"Un! But if that doesn't work, there's going to be a war. And a really, really big amount of Hunters are going to be in it!"

"Crap… but wait, why did Gon not tell me this himself?"

"Gon-nii-chan told me not to tell you until later, but he didn't say that in his wish so I told you now."

"Not until… don't tell me…"

"Gon-nii-chan is getting ready to fight, and he thinks you have to protect me so he didn't want to tell you."

"That idiot!"

"Un! Nanika and I think so too! We don't want Gon-nii-chan getting hurt, so we wanted to tell you now. We'll be okay!"

"Dammit, Gon… Okay, Alluka. I'll leave you with Aunt Mito and Grandma, is that okay? Just don't ask them for anything."

"Yay! They always give me and Nanika lots of cookies and treats!"

"Of course they do. They're excited that you'll be a part of their family in a few years."

"I can't wait to marry Gon-nii-chan!"

"How many times do I have to tell you I'll be the one marrying him? Hah, whatever. Just be safe there, okay?"

"'Kay. Onii-chan?"

"Yeah?"

"If you're in really, really big trouble, Nanika will help."

"No, you'll stay there!"

"You don't understand now, Onii-chan, but you'll see. Nanika knows a special trick."

"Well, you two can do whatever tricks you want, just don't put yourselves in danger."

"'Kay."

* * *

Killua's eyes flickered open and he sat up slowly, gingerly pressing a hand against his head. The light seemed too bright and the world was spinning. He closed his eyes, wincing, then the nausea overtook him and vomit rose in his throat. He would've vomited into his own lap, but suddenly a bowl was pressed into his hands and he threw up into it, coughing violently. A warm hand rubbed gentle circles on his back, and a quiet, kind voice whispered encouragement into his ear.

"It's okay, it's okay. You should feel better soon, I gave you some herbs to help. You have a pretty severe concussion. You're lucky to be alive."

Killua looked up blearily, his first impression of the girl blurred. He reached up and rubbed his eyes, her form becoming clearer and clearer. She smiled at him, withdrawing her hand and folding it daintily in her lap. His first impression was that she looked pathetic. She was small and rather sickly, with thin trickles of clear fluid coming from each nostril. Her eyes were closed, and her head was tilted slightly, thick white hair falling messily over her shoulders.

"I'm Komugi. I found you near the river. It looks like you fell from the top of the gorge."

Killua blinked, rubbing his head again. A gorge? He looked around. It seemed they were in a small hut, with only one bed and a few shelves of herbs in the room he was in. A mesh curtain divided it from the rest of the hut, and he sat up a little more, eyes taking in the whole thing. There was a small fire pit near a hole in the ceiling, where a merry little fire sat under a happily bubbling pot. There were a couple of baskets holding what he assumed were clothes, and in the corner there was a Gungi board with two worn pillows on either side of it.

"I'm Killua... Where am I?"

Komugi smiled, gently removing the bowl from his lap and setting it aside as she picked up another one filled with water. She leaned forward and gingerly began dabbing the side of his head with a cloth she'd taken out of it. He let her, watching for any signs of threatening or malice. But there were none.

"The middle of nowhere, really. I live near a village where I get all of my supplies, but I like living out here rather than there more. I had this hut built because the village was overwhelming, especially with my not being able to see."

She was blind? Her fingers moved with a surety, and as she moved around to dispose of his vomit, it seemed like she could see exactly what she was doing. He wanted to ask her more about herself, but there was a more pressing question on his mind.

"Um… this may be a little strange, but do you know what happened? Or… or who I am?"

She paused, her head turning in his direction.

"Well, if I had to guess, I'd say you were a soldier. But other than that… I don't know. I don't think your head was damaged enough to suffer from permanent memory loss, so I'm sure it'll all come back. Oh… there is one thing I can tell you. You kept saying something in your sleep. It sounded like you kept saying something about gone… like maybe someone was gone or something was gone. Does it ring a bell?"

Killua's eyes rolled up thoughtfully. Gone? Now that he thought about it, he felt like something was missing. His memories, obviously, but it felt like something more fundamental was missing. A something or a someone. Wait… definitely a someone. He strained his mind to remember, but a flash of staggering pain quickly put the idea of trying to figure it out to an end. He let out a low groan, pressing his hand over one eye. It seemed his name was about the only thing he could remember.

"Don't strain yourself, I'm sure everything will be fine. You can stay here as long as you like."

She worked with a quiet efficiency, moving around and getting things ready as if her blindness was a joke. Killua wondered why she was being so nice to him. Was she some kind of idiot? Who trusted someone and brought them into their home so quickly? The question earned him another flash of pain. So. Pain meant something was related to the someone.

"Who's this?"

The voice made his insides freeze. He didn't know why, but he'd felt like he'd heard it before and it meant death. His body moved immediately into a defensive crouch, one hand up to defend and the other behind him to swing quickly in offense. The man who had just entered simply looked at him, and in that look he saw the futility of what he was doing. Nothing he could do would prove useful against this man… no, this… this… monster.

"Meruem! You're home early! I found this boy on the riverbank and I couldn't let him die."

Just like that, the handsome man's violet eyes changed from cold to gentle and warm. Komugi walked up to him and slid her hands over his face, her thumbs brushing across his cheeks as she leaned forward and planted a gentle kiss on his mouth. The way they held each other, the way they looked at each other, despite the fact that Komugi couldn't even see him… Killua felt a flash of pain not only in his head, but in his heart. As if he recognized what they felt, and he was missing it.

"I've told you to be careful, Komugi. And yet here you go again bringing wounded people home. Your entire existence is a constant worry to me."

His voice was chastising but gentle, as he cradled the girl to his chest like she was the most precious thing he'd ever laid his hands on. She smiled happily, standing on her toes to plant a chaste kiss on his cheek before turning back to Killua.

"This is my fiancée. He can be intimidating, but don't mind him. A man who can't beat me in Gungi is hardly anyone to worry about."

Meruem shook his head with a sigh, glancing at Killua, who had slowly relaxed into a sitting posture. It felt really strange, to see the man acting so tenderly towards someone. Killua didn't know why, but he could barely believe his eyes.

"If Komugi wishes it, you can stay. I can't argue with this woman."

And that was it. Komugi had spoken, and Meruem had obliged with an ease no one could've foreseen. Killua nodded and settled back down, watching as the two filled each other in on their days and prepared the meal with an odd but strangely relaxing dynamic. Interestingly enough, not once had they stopped touching each other since Meruem had walked through the door. Most of the time, they had their fingers linked absentmindedly, and when they didn't, Meruem had a gentle hand on Komugi's back. It didn't seem like they did it to help guide her around, though. If Killua had to guess, he'd say it had started like that, but now it was simply routine. It made him feel strangely empty again. Gone… Who was gone?

"Killua, was it? Do you know how to play Gungi?"

Meruem's intense eyes watched Killua, but he didn't feel nearly the same pressure he'd felt before. Komugi beckoned him over to the table, and he obeyed, crawling across the dusty ground to sit at a small, homey table he hadn't previously noticed. Meruem ladled out the soup Killua had seen boiling as he waited patiently for an answer.

"No. Well… I'm not sure. I don't have my memories, but I feel like I wouldn't know even if I did."

Meruem and Komugi linked fingers loosely as they ate. Meruem's first bite was too hot, and it had him frantically waving one hand by his mouth while Komugi laughed softly and stood up to grab some herbs, pressing them into Meruem's mouth as if this happened a lot. Meruem let out a warm breath before answering Killua again, his voice slightly muffled.

"Hm. It's quite the game. Komugi got me into it and we've playing it ever since. It feels like we've played it forever, and we'll continue forever. With me never beating her, of course."

Killua listened and laughed at the end, especially at Komugi's serious nod. The soup was warm and tasty, and he finally really relaxed as Komugi and Meruem explained to him the rules of Gungi as if it were the most important thing in the world. The way they kept finishing each other's sentences, laughing, and teasing each other throughout. Killua didn't need memories to know that this warm, poor little hut was full of love. He wondered if he'd ever seen a happier couple in his entire life. Probably not. They seemed like they simply couldn't get enough of each other, like they were each other's whole world. It was one of those truly beautiful, once-in-a-lifetime loves.

"If you'd like to watch, we're going to start our first round of Gungi. Though I'm afraid it might keep you up, because we tend to lose track of time and play all night. When you're tired, feel free to use the bed. Nine times out of ten we sleep at the board anyway."

Killua wondered if Komugi was lying to make him feel comfortable about taking the only bed, but when she entered a game of Gungi with Meruem, he instantly knew she hadn't been lying. If anything, she'd been toning down the truth, because her eyes opened and she became a completely different, beautiful, and intense woman, and it seemed to Killua she'd never stop playing. Meruem became different too, intense but almost giddy with happiness.

Killua watched a couple of games, shocked at the level they played at. They'd explained the basic rules, but what they were doing was so complex and far over his head that he had no idea what was going on. He'd thought Meruem was about to win, when suddenly Meruem had dropped his pieces with a small chuckle and announced that Komugi had won. Just how many moves ahead were they seeing? But every move spoke volumes of love, respect, and trust. It was strange. He'd never thought something like a game could be used to express love, but it was happening right before his eyes. He quickly grew tired though, and he crawled into bed and fell asleep, not even sure if Meruem or Komugi noticed his absence.

* * *

He woke the next day to a gentle hand shaking his shoulder. He bolted up, and Komugi shushed him gently.

"Good morning, Killua. I know Meruem won't ask, but I'm sure he'd be grateful if you helped him with the farming. We get out food through it, and we sell what we don't eat to buy things we need. You don't have to, I'm not saying this to pressure you or anything, but I just thought you might be bored hanging around a blind girl all day."

Killua stretched, feeling much better than he had the previous day. For some reason, his body was itching to go and work out. Farm work sounded fine to him right about then.

"Of course I'll help out. But don't call yourself boring, idiot."

He hadn't meant to add the idiot, but it just sort of slipped out, along with another sharp pain in his head.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to call you an idiot."

Komugi had looked surprised for a second, but she laughed lightly, earning a confused look from Killua.

"It's just… the way you said idiot really did sound affectionate. I wonder if the person you call an idiot loves you as much as I love Meruem."

That gave him a pause. Was he in love with the someone he kept thinking about? The resounding yes came from his heart rather than from his head. Hm. Did she love him back? But the thought felt sort of… wrong, somehow. As if something in his line of thinking was off. He shook his head in exasperation; the more he felt, the more confused he was. A hard day of working the farm should help clear his mind. He got up, neatly folding the bed sheets, and went outside to find Meruem, who seemed as if he was waiting.

"I hope you're ready, this isn't an easy task for someone who's soft."

"No need to worry, I'm plenty of things but soft isn't one of them."

* * *

The days passed like that, peaceful and calming. It was… nice. Work the farm with Meruem all day, come home to supper from Komugi, watch them play a couple of games of Gungi, then go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. He'd borrowed some of Meruem's clothes, handmade by Komugi, and now he really felt like a farmhand. But it didn't make him feel lower than he was or less than a soldier. To be honest, he could get used to the life. He felt like this kind of 'normal' hadn't been a part of his life before. Meruem even offered to build him a small hut so he could have his own place to stay permanently, so he could work with them. His initial worries about the intense man had evaporated after days of quiet, hard work; Meruem was more gentle than he seemed, probably thanks in large part to Komugi.

The only thing that kept him from agreeing to the proposal was… something was missing. Someone who was very, very important to him was missing. Gone. He would've been content to do with no memories, but his heart kept insisting that he needed to get it together and try to find out how to get back to where he'd come from. But how was he supposed to go back when he couldn't for the life of him remember even a single thing? His only clue about his past popped out of his mouth one day when he was watching Meruem and Komugi move about the kitchen in the loving way they had.

"How do you know when to tell someone you love them?"

It had flew past his lips randomly, but now he realized he desperately needed to know. That was it. That was this nagging feeling—he still hadn't told this very important person that he loved them. He didn't know why, but he knew it was vital that he did.

Meruem and Komugi exchanged glances before Meruem nodded at her. Surprising; Komugi was usually the one to speak the most.

"I used to be a prince, the youngest son of many brothers, before I met Komugi. We were taught to be ruthless, cold blooded, and ambitious. I wanted to be the best, because our father had decided the next ruler wasn't decided by birthright… He was decided by how much he accomplished. My brothers and I competed, and I was winning by a landslide, when I decided to conquer all of the games in the world. I was well on my way when I met Komugi."

He squeezed her hand affectionately and she gave a squeeze back, nodding encouragement.

"I played her for a long time, trying to beat her at her own game. But I never could. The more we played, the more I learned about her, and the more I grew to respect her. I don't know when that respect turned into love. It could've been love the whole time. But as I played, and as I hid my feelings, I began to realize something… I could never win by playing flawless moves straight from the book. By only doing the basics and never taking any chances, I was effectively losing to myself. So I decided to take chances, even if it meant I might have to sacrifice pieces."

"How did that turn out?"

Komugi laughed at Killua's question as Meruem stroked her hair thoughtfully.

"Well, I certainly didn't beat her in Gungi. I can play at a much higher level now, though there's still no way to beat her. But… now I'm truly playing against her, rather than myself. And though I never won in Gungi, in one sense I did win. I took a chance, fully prepared to make a sacrifice, and asked her for her hand. Seeing as how she's my fiancée and I've given up being a cold-hearted prince, I'm sure you can imagine the outcome."

Meruem pressed a small kiss into the soft white hair.

"I thought she'd never agree because I wasn't someone who could be loved. Even so, it wasn't fair for me to assume she thought so cruelly of me, as I've been informed many times since. If you're rejected, I'm sure it's a different story, but in this case, my only regret is not telling her sooner."

It was a beautiful story. The kind of fairy tale romance that everyone wanted. But… confessing to someone was horribly nerve wracking. What if it was someone you were close to, and their rejection ruined the entire bond? Although… Meruem was right. It wasn't fair to assume the person being confessed to would want to cut off all ties simply because of a confession. Killua opened his mouth to respond, but a hesitant voice stopped him.

"Hello?"

It was tiny and sad, the kind of mournful voice a child who'd lost their parents had. It shouldn't sound like that. It should sound bright, cheerful and excited.

"I'm… um… well, my friend fell into the gorge and I heard the river flows this way. The people in town say you've got a new farmhand so I just thought maybe—"

No one had any time to react as Killua launched himself through the entrance, tackling the person speaking. The earthy smell, the voice, the smooth skin, the sharp intake of breath…

"GON!"

Killua wrapped his arms around the shocked boy and squeezed with enough force to break ribs, one hand clutching the back of Gon's neck and pulling him closer as he buried his face in Gon's shoulder. Sobs of happiness were wracking his body before his mind had even caught up to tell him his memories were back, and words were flowing from his mouth that barely even made sense.

"I missed you, I missed you so much, I can't believe you're here, I should've found you, I lost my memories and I was working for Meruem and Komugi but I wanted to see you and I'm so sorry I forgot to keep our promise and—"

His breath was lost as Gon squeezed him back with equal force, heavy wails filling the air as Gon shook like a leaf in his arms.

"Killuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I thought you were deeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaad! I snuck out two weeks ago to come find you b-because everyone s-said you were dead but I d-didn't believe them so I k-kept looking s-so much."

Killua shook his head, too choked up to say anything else as he clutched Gon to him as if Gon were life itself. This was what he'd been missing. How had he ever forgotten something this important? How could he have ever treated Gon so coldly before the accident? He lifted Gon up, spinning dizzily, light with happiness. Gon's soldier's cap flew off and they both tumbled down, Gon landing on top of him and clinging to him like a baby koala.

"I'm never e-ever ever e-ever ever ever l-letting go!"

Gon wails were muffled in Killua's shirt, and then Killua grabbed his face, tilting it up. No more assuming, no more playing by the rules. Gon's face was full of snot and tears, but he ignored them and pressed his lips against Gon's, trying to convey in that one kiss how much he'd missed the crazy kid, how much he loved him. Gon pulled back, tears running down his cheeks.

"K-Killua, your m-memories must be f-funny. We weren't… we w-weren't like that. You must be r-remembering when I w-was going to a-ask 'Do you w-want to kiss m-me?'"

Oh. Then…? Kiss…? Gon had wanted…? Killua started laughing through his tears, leaning forward and pressing kisses all over Gon's face as he spoke.

"Idiot… I thought you… didn't like me… like that… so I… tried to make… my feelings go away… but… how stupid… were we anyway… to think… we both wanted… the same thing…"

Between every couple of words, he was kissing Gon and his hands were tracing the shape of the tanned face almost as familiar as his own, memorizing every line, every contour. Gon blinked tearfully at him, still not completely understanding. Killua caught a glimpse of Meruem and Komugi, both of them smiling widely, and he remembered what Komugi had said. She'd been right, as usual.

"I'm saying I love you, you idiot."

There was an audible pause, then Gon's eyes widened a fraction. Tears gathered in them and he began to bawl again. Killua didn't know whether he should be concerned or not.

"What's wrong?"

"I've been looking for you for so long… and now I've found you… and you're s-saying those k-kinds of things… a-and I c-can't help but t-think I m-must be dreaming b-because I r-really, really, really love you t-too."

Killua laughed delightedly, grabbing the back of Gon's head and pulling him in for a real kiss, long and deep, until Gon was panting and blushing and looking a complete mess.

"Did that feel like a dream?"

Gon shook his head reverently, burying his face in Killua's neck like a kitten to hide his blush, his arms never unwrapping themselves from Killua's. Killua clutched him close too, finally realizing that he completely understood how Meruem and Komugi had felt. He wanted to keep touching Gon, his hands, his face, his back, everywhere, forever. He wanted to know every part of the sobbing boy's body, know his every thought, all of his quirks and pet peeves and what made him blush or get angry or get scared. He hadn't even realized he'd wanted half of these things until he'd finally let out the feelings he'd bottled up for so long.

"Killua, if this is a dream, I never want to wake up."

"What are you talking about? If this is just a dream, waking up will be a million times better, since I'm obviously not going to leave your side, even when we wake up."

Gon let out a breathy half-laugh, half-sob.

"Never break your promise again."

"Idiot. You don't need to say something like that! …I won't."


	10. Worries Put To Rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also known as the chapter in which Gon and Killua have their first awkward-young-couple steamy scene. I don't really consider this explicit, as it isn't all that graphic, but some people may it see it that way I guess so ye be warned.

Killua was worried. Over Gon, as usual, but if anyone knew the pair of them they’d say his worries held at least some merit. After the kiss and confession, the two had sat down with Meruem and Komugi to eat, while Killua tried to explain what had happened. Gon kept interjecting excitedly, and though Meruem acted as though he was annoyed, Killua knew the couple enough to know that both of them were amused. After Killua finally finished his explanation, he had asked Gon what had happened.

Apparently, the enemy had been dropped into their base via helicopter to capture recruits, because recruits were probably the easiest to break under torture. Whew, glad to escape that one. Kaito had realized what was going on (that the initial explosions and other attackers were just a distraction) and he’d left half of the men to take out the small number of soldiers causing the distraction while he’d taken the other half to rescue the recruits. The enemy knew they were cornered, so they sent Pitou in for a guaranteed victory to use the recruits to find out where the other bases were and probe for weakness.

After the attack, everyone had been busy regrouping, and much to the chagrin of the entire military, a few recruits had been captured. Training was placed on hold as search parties were sent out to try and take the recruits back, as in the ensuing chaos of Kaito’s attack, the enemy helicopter that was supposed to pick up the prisoners had left. While the search parties were being organized, Gon, who had been hospitalized due to his leg injury, snuck out.

Killua was worried about many things for a variety of different reasons, but he had three main worries, two of them to do with Gon’s story. The first was the fact that Gon refused to say how he’d found out where the river in the gorge ended up. In fact, he refused to say anything at all about what he’d done since he’d left base. Every time Killua questioned him about it, he’d just get this strangely blank look in his eyes and he’d say ‘I don’t know.’ The only things that gave any hint were the facts that Gon’s shoulder and leg were both almost completely healed and that there was… well, copious amounts of blood on his uniform that Meruem tactfully ignored.

If his wounds were healed, the blood wasn’t his. And if he’d been in the hospital for a day or two after Killua had fallen, he would’ve changed out of the clothes from the battle and washed up. So where the hell had he gotten so much of someone else’s blood on him? When Killua questioned him, hoping to hear it was from an animal he’d hunted down, Gon’s eyes had turned blank again and he’d simply said one word. Enemies. Enemies as in plural. And the blood on him wasn’t all from the same day; some of it was drier than others.

The second worrying thing that was almost equally as bad was what everyone must be thinking of Gon right now. He said he hadn’t left a note. So, a couple of days after an enemy attack, the only recruit who hadn’t been in his bunks during the attack and who had followed the enemy all alone, had disappeared. Plus, they’d recently learned about the other bases’ locations, so the timing of the attack couldn’t be more perfect. There was obviously a mole. If the mole was supposed to lay low and let the kidnapped recruits take the blame for revealing the locations of the other bases, they wouldn’t be found out even though the attack had been timed so perfectly. Basically, it would create a big fuss in the base about who the mole was, stirring up dissention and suspicion. But since the attack hadn’t gone as planned and Gon’s behaviour could be seen as suspicious… the blame would be easy to pin on a guy who couldn’t defend himself. The higher ups would see it as taming the uproar caused by a mole, so they’d pin it on Gon even if they knew he was innocent. It was a horribly sobering thought indeed. Just what waited for him when he got back to the base?

The third thing Killua worried about was a lot more personal than the other two, and yet it was almost equally as scary to him for a variety of reasons. Gon and him had kissed and confessed, but did Gon really understand what love meant? He’d told Gon he loved him, and Gon had said it back, but they’d never actually said they were in love with each other. When he thought about it, it made all the difference in the world. The kisses should’ve proved something, but Gon only seeing him as family could also make sense. Even though he’d kissed Gon so deeply, even though they’d said ‘like that,’ maybe Gon had thought ‘like that’ meant brotherly love. The truth was, he was insecure because Gon hadn’t kissed him back, and now, as they made their way slowly back towards the base, Gon was acting completely friendly again.

“Gon…”

Killua cleared his throat as Gon turned around, stopping midsentence from pointing out some sort of poisonous plant. He seemed as if he didn’t have a care in the world, lucky little shit.

“Kiss me.”

It sounded pathetic, asking like this, but he needed to know. His face turned red as Gon nodded happily and came over, taking Killua’s face in both hands. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Killua’s, soft and gentle. Killua felt his heart drop a little. It was so… childish. The kind of kiss a kid would give to his mom. Gon’s eyes were even open, and he was beaming as if he thought it were great. He leaned back, nodding as if satisfied.

“Gon, do you know what love is?”

“Yeah! It’s when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and be by their side forever.”

Well… in a sense, that was true. But that could apply to any kind of love.

“How do you love me?”

Gon screwed up his face thoughtfully.

“Well, just like that. And I also want to kiss you. And have lots of fun going on adventures!”

Killua pressed tired fingers to the bridge of his nose, really trying hard not to get annoyed with how insecure he was feeling about the whole thing. He’d ask Gon if he wanted to be his boyfriend (hell, that was embarrassing just thinking about) but would Gon take it as a ‘boy’ and a ‘friend’? He didn’t know. He needed a scale 1-10 on how naïve his friend was, 10 being Gon took love in a brotherly way and 1 being his entire personality was faked.

“Gon, can I kiss you?”

“Un!”

“Can I… can I touch you?”

“Un!”

“Can… I… make love… to you…?”

“Un!”

That was it. Gon had no idea what he was talking about. Killua flopped down onto the ground and wrapped his arms around his knees, defeated. Gon frowned, crouching down and resting his arms on top of Killua’s knees, peering into Killua’s face in concern.

“What’s wrong?”

“Do you know what making love is?”

Gon’s frown deepened, then he seemed to understand something. He let out a small laugh, and it sounded almost sad.

“Killua, I’m pretty stupid. I know that. But, um… I do know what sex is. I’m eighteen.”

Killua blinked in surprise, looking up.

“What?”

“Aunt Mito told me everything when I was fourteen. I think I’m missing some stuff, especially the part about why it feels good… but I know what two people are supposed to do.”

Killua searched Gon’s face, wondering if this was some sort of cosmic joke.

“But you… when you had your lap dance, you…”

“Oh… that felt weird.”

“Haven’t you ever… I guess… touched yourself?”

That was probably the most awkward thing Killua had ever said in his life. He had no idea what was in store for him, being the lover of one of the most clueless people on earth, but at that moment, he thought it was the worst it would ever get. If only he knew.

“You mean when it got big?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Hahahaha! Of course not!”

This conversation made absolutely no sense. This guy, eighteen years old, had gone through puberty knowing about sex, probably having multiple hard ons, and he’d never once gotten off. Gon noticed Killua’s look and he dropped his eyes a little, looking sheepish.

“Aunt Mito said you should only use it with someone you love. So I… well, you’ll probably think this is weird. One of her sailor friends tried to explain to me how to deal with it and when he heard what I did he got really pale and he didn’t want to talk to me anymore.”

Oh god. This was shaping up to be quite the horror story. Killua almost didn’t want to ask, but he had an overwhelming curiosity to know. How had Gon unlocked the secret to getting through puberty without jerking off?

“What did you do?”

“I just thought about it. Whenever something is hot and swollen, what do you do?”

Obviously not the first thing that popped into Killua’s mind. But the second… Killua’s face went pale.

“You didn’t.”

“I did. I put ice on it and it worked. Although it really sort of hurt.”

Killua bowed his head down, feeling like crying for the poor body of Gon’s fourteen year old mind. Ice. Ice all the time. Gon was lucky he hadn’t conditioned himself to never ever ever get hard again. Shit. Dammit, Killua would never be able to look at ice again the same way. And… And he’d never bring Gon’s body near ice either. He buried his face in his hands; the story was worse than he’d thought. Well then. If Gon wasn’t going to look after his own body, it looked like it was up to Killua to make sure everything was looked after. As Gon’s lover, it was a responsibility he’d have to take seriously.

“Never again. God, Gon, I don’t even know what to say to that. It makes me feel really bad for some reason I can’t even fathom. So you’ve never gotten off, even once? That’s really… that’s unacceptable.”

Completely unacceptable, especially now that they were going to be lovers. Gon looked sheepish again, sticking his tongue out as a faint blush crawled across his face. But… his innocence was somehow endearing. And… Killua’s face flushed. His mind couldn’t help but wonder what Gon would say once he knew what it was like. Or how he would react to the feeling for the first time. Thinking of Gon being confused over it, then forgetting everything else as he was swept away in dizzying pleasure… hot. Killua licked his lips, then rose shakily to his feet.

“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter now.”

“But Killua, I thought you were going to show me!”

“W-what?”

“We’re boyfriends and I love you. So it’s okay now… Right?”

Okay? It was… too much. Killua wanted to start tearing clothes, shoving Gon against trees, drawing moans from him like nobody’s business. He was rather terrified of his desires, scared he might go way too fast and frighten Gon away from doing anything with him, ever. But… he doubted his desires would ever subside, not unless he fed them something substantial. And also, he couldn’t walk any further. It was Gon’s fault for getting him into such a state.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Gon nodded happily and marched up to Killua as if he were about to give him a big, friendly hug. It was disconcerting. Killua was too turned on for his own good and Gon was just… he was Gon. Did he really know what they were about to do? Well, obviously he didn’t know how it felt. Oh, that was it! He was calm because he had no idea how it felt.

“If I do anything that scares you or upsets you, tell me. I don’t have much self-control, but I promise I won’t hurt you.”

Gon looked up at him, a couple inches shorter. He’d never paid much attention to height, but he was surprised to find that he was the taller of the two. Huh. Interesting. Although Gon’s hair easily made up for that, standing like it had no right to, completely defying gravity.

“Killua, it’s okay. I’m tough. You don’t need to worry.”

He realized he was rambling on in his mind, nervous beyond belief. He’d thought about this a lot, but now that the object of his fantasies was actually standing in front of him, waiting patiently for him to carry out one of those very fantasies, he was freaking out. What if he wasn’t a good enough lover? What if Gon didn’t like how it felt? What if his being a guy wouldn’t turn Gon on at all and he’d be left embarrassed and humiliated?

“Killua. Stop.”

Gon stood on his toes and pressed his lips against Killua’s again. It was the same as last time. Childish. But… Killua relaxed, sliding his arms around Gon’s waist, deepening the kiss and gently using his tongue to part Gon’s lips and turn it into something more than a friendly kiss. Gon was just as inexperienced, if not more so. Killua pressed closer, feeling Gon shudder vulnerably in his arms. And underneath that… there was a sort of trembling. Gon was much more frightened than he was letting on. Of course he was—all he knew was that he felt strange when he was turned on and the reward for dealing with it was supposed to be mind-blowing. And when he’d dealt with it himself, it must’ve hurt. Yet he was trying to kiss Killua back, trying to make him feel good though he didn’t even know how. His kisses were messy and frantic as he tried to keep up, but dammit if they weren’t determined. He was… so… _cute_.

“Killua… I’ve never… kissed a girl… like this before… is it… alright?”

His voice was hesitant, nervous. Killua relaxed at the thought that he wasn’t actually the only one stressing about it. Gon was freaking out too, and that made it one hundred percent okay. They were a new couple, fumbling their way through this pleasure thing, but they had plenty of time to get it right.

“Mm… It’s good.”

He didn’t know whether he should keep going or not. He backed up slowly, taking Gon with him, until his back hit a tree. It was broad, slightly rough, but smooth enough not to hurt. Okay, he’d keep going, but he would only show Gon that it was alright to get off. They could save the sex thing for later, when they were both more prepared. He turned, achingly slowly, until Gon’s back was pressed against the tree. He leaned back, searching Gon’s eyes. There was fear, a kind of excitement, and curiosity. He’d thought it would take all of his willpower to stop, but now that they were actually planning to do something, he realized he could take it as slowly as Gon needed.

“It’s going to feel weird again, but it’s supposed to. Will you be okay?”

Gon swallowed, his eyes wide, and nodded.

“If you want me to stop, tell me.”

He trailed his lips down Gon’s mouth to his throat, where he began pressing soft kisses into it. Gon giggled, his hands coming up Killua’s back to rest in his hair.

“It tickles, Killua, my neck is too sensitive, it really—”

He shut up when Killua used his body to press him against the tree, his eyes shocked as he realized that Killua was hard. Idiot. As if Killua couldn’t be turned on by his flushed face and clumsy nervousness. Killua went from using his lips on Gon’s neck to his teeth, and Gon’s giggles completely faded away when he added in his tongue. He was slow but firm, and he heard a gasp as he finally pressed his hips into Gon’s.

He’d never thought it could feel all that good through clothes, but he realized thinking that way was crazy; it felt great. One of Gon’s hands tugged his hair closer while the other pulled it away. It was as if Gon was warring with himself, torn between seeing what would happen if they kept going, but scared of the intense things he was feeling. Killua began grinding against him, his eyes flickering up to Gon’s face just in time to catch his first moan.

“S-sorry.”

One of Gon’s hands left Killua’s hair to clap itself over his mouth as if to trap moans from escaping. Killua leaned back and gently wrapped his fingers around it, pulling it away from Gon’s mouth.

“It’s okay. Even if you think you sound strange, I…”

His ears coloured, and he wondered how he could manage to say something so perverted. But Gon looked as if he were hanging on Killua’s every word, and he knew he had no other choice.

“…I like hearing you.”

It was true; Gon’s moan was an incredible turn on. Gon nodded a little, biting his lip. Killua began moving again, this time watching Gon’s face to make sure everything was okay. And, well, he wanted to see the kind of faces Gon would make too. Gon’s face kept turning more and more crimson, and Killua could feel him reacting quite obviously to the contact. Gon’s teeth slid along his lower lip as he still tried to keep in moans and whimpers of pleasure. His breathing was speeding up more and more.

Killua wanted to know if what the rumours said were true; if you said someone’s name during _that,_ it made things even more unbearable. His own face was flushed and pleasure tingled through his spine as he opened his mouth.

“Gon.”

His voice was husky and low, accompanied by a moan as his hips involuntarily jerked forward, slamming Gon’s hips against the back of the tree. Gon tilted his head back, not even noticing the moisture gathering at the corners of his eyes in pleasure, at the sound of his name. His mouth opened and for the first time a whimper wasn’t muffled. Killua sucked in a breath; Gon was really, really feeling it. His whimper had been drenched with pleasure and the need to be released.

“Gon…”

He couldn’t help but speed up, his movements becoming rougher and quicker as his feelings intensified. They were both panting in a rhythm, and now moans were spilling from both of their lips in quick succession.

“K-Killua… S-stop…”

Shit. He didn’t want to. He really, really couldn’t, especially with the way Gon was desperately arching his back and digging strong fingers into Killua’s shoulder blades. But he’d said he would, so he did. He’d have to start off by slowing down. But when he tried, Gon bucked up against him in need, whining.

“P-please… s-stop…”

His mouth and his body were saying two completely different things. But even if Killua stopped, Gon’s movements were frantic and his hold was too strong.

“I-it feels… w-weird… no m-more…”

“Then let me go.”

Killua’s voice was a growl; he was almost over the edge. Gon was practically begging him to stop, but at the same time he was begging for more. Killua’s vision was starting to blur; Gon’s moans were sweeter than chocolate and his grinding hips felt better than any hand.

“H-harder…”

At least now he was saying something that coincided with the way he was moving. Killua assented, practically slamming Gon against the tree, clenching his teeth together and trying to concentrate on anything else; he didn’t want to be first, not when it was Gon’s first time.

“Feels… g-good… Killua… mm… i-it’s… t-twitching…”

Oh fuck no. But oh fuck yes. He didn’t want a play-by-play of what was going on, but Gon’s voice was saccharine and the mental images he was getting were shattering every part of his being in hot pockets of bursting pleasure. He grabbed Gon’s legs and hefted them around him so that every movement only created more friction, and then he was on a knife’s edge.

“I’m scared.”

It was barely a whisper, but the forest was so quiet that Killua caught it immediately. Cerulean eyes gazed into hazel as Killua leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss onto Gon’s lips.

“It’s okay, you can come. I love you, Gon.”

Gon’s nod was tiny, but it conveyed everything. He absolutely trusted his lover to the point that he believed it would be okay even though he felt like he would die if he gave into the immense feeling that had been gathering in his stomach.

“Love you too, Killua.”

Then his head fell back and his brows knit together, his mouth opening and letting out sounds that should be illegal as his hips jerked and his eyes drifted shut. He was desperately rubbing himself against Killua, squeezing his legs tight and digging his fingers tightly into Killua’s back. The sight and feeling of Gon being pushed over the edge was enough to make Killua drop on the opposite side of the knife’s point, and he mumbled Gon’s name between whimpers as pleasure like he’d never felt before made the forest flicker before his eyes. So this was what it was like to be with someone you loved, who loved you back. It was beyond any kind of touching he’d done himself.

After he was finished, he fell on his knees to the ground, Gon still wrapped around him. Gon’s face was in his shoulder, so it was impossible to tell what the boy was thinking. He drew in deep, shaky breaths, patting Gon’s back gently.

“Gon?”

No answer. Gon didn’t even shift from his shoulder.

“Hey… Are you okay?”

Now he was beginning to worry; what if Gon had decided he hated the feeling because it was too intense? What if he decided he didn’t want to be Killua’s lover?

“Gon, hey. At least answer me, idiot. Was it really that bad?”

Gon finally shifted, leaning back. Killua took his face in both hands, searching his eyes.

“Was it okay?”

Gon took a long while to answer; he seemed dazed, out of it. He blinked rapidly, reaching up to rub his eyes, before he looked into Killua’s.

“We can’t do that again.”

Killua was floored. He’d thought Gon had enjoyed it, but he seemed very solemn.

“W-why?”

“Well… I think I might burst into a million tiny pieces if it happens again because it feels too good.”

Killua stared at him, wondering if he was joking. But no, his eyes were absolutely serious, even worried as if he thought he might actually burst into a million tiny pieces. Killua laughed, shaking his head, his face flushed in happiness; ‘ _too good?_ ’ That was most definitely a win.

“Gon, that wasn’t even anything major. That’s just what you’ve been missing out on through the years.”

Gon’s eyes widened as if he couldn’t decide whether to be horrified or wistful.

“If that’s not anything major, what’s sex like?”

Killua couldn’t give him a personal answer on that one, but he could only imagine from the descriptions he’d heard from people.

“Don’t worry; I’ll get you used to… well, I’ll make sure the feeling doesn’t scare you anymore before we get into sex. We can take all the practice we need.”

Gon nodded, laying his head on Killua’s collarbone tiredly. No doubt he must be tired; it was a bit of a workout, especially against the tree.

“Hey, Killua…”

Killua cracked a yawn; even he was slightly tired from that. Gon wasn’t light, and he'd exerted himself much more than he'd had expected to.

“Yeah?”

“You’re really sure I won’t break into a million pieces?”

“Of course not. I’ve done it a lot of times before and I’m fine.”

“Okay… then… do you want to do it again?”

Thus began Killua’s journey of realizing just how much of an ‘animal’ his boyfriend really was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will see Hisoka getting philosophical, Illumi getting the shit kicked out of him (almost literally) and Gon dancing on the dark side. Sorry, it'll be lots of dialogue for foreshadowing purposes but I'll get back into the plot side of things after that.


	11. A Human Animal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's talk morality. Morality and Gon, sitting in a tree... Oh wait, that's crazy haha those two have never met.

After their fumbling encounter in the forest, Killua and Gon walked hand in hand back towards the base. They would’ve been there within a couple of days had they not been stopped along the way at a village Gon had… spoken with. Although, as Killua soon found out, Gon had done more than speak.

“Gon! Killua!”

Kaito’s surprisingly pleased voice reached their ears when they about a mile away from the village. Gon had insisted that they go around it, reasoning that it would be quicker to just keep going. Killua had agreed, but he’d been surprised at how insistent Gon was. Killua and Gon looked up, a huge smile crossing Gon’s face.

“Kaito! I found Killua!”

Kaito looked shocked as he stared at Killua, looking him up and down.

“So you did. He seems to be in relatively good condition too.”

“Un!”

Kaito reached out and shook Killua’s hand warmly. The look he offered… Killua mentally groaned. He knew. Gon must’ve said something, or he’d figured out during training. He didn’t seem like he’d make a fuss of it though; after he’d shaken Killua’s hand, his face grew serious. Here it was. Now he was going to say something along of the lines of ‘don’t go back to the base, they think you’re a mole.’ But what he said next was nothing like what Killua had been expecting.

“I don’t know how you figured it out, Gon, but everyone is pleased that the mole won’t be a problem any longer. And that this rebel village won’t be sending anymore kids with bombs strapped to them into our base.”

They… what? Killua gave Gon an astonished look as Kaito started walking, leading them to the village. But Gon’s usual bubbliness was subdued. He glanced down, nodding slightly.

“Hm.”

His voice sounded… off. Like when he’d said ‘enemies.’ Kaito’s words had sounded optimistic, but the look he gave Gon was anything but.

“This village worked for the rebels, providing them with information and preparing to cause quite a stir. One of the men from our base had a lover here, and he didn’t realize she was providing the other side with information. He told them about your classes and she told the opposition. You know the rest. The bomb was from a kid from this village. The fact that they used kids…”

Kaito dropped his eyes for a second, and when he looked up again, he was looking at Gon, his face dark.

“Gon… I can understand the men. I can understand the women. But… the children?”

“They were enemies.”

The children? What did he mean? Gon’s voice had been neutral, and when he was finished, he didn’t speak again. He only followed Kaito mutely, not looking at the white haired man or Killua. He seemed to be deep in thought, but as they neared the village, he shrugged off whatever was bothering him and became as sunny as usual.

“Kaito, when can Killua and I start training again?”

Kaito glanced over his shoulder, and for a second Killua thought he saw fear in the older man’s eyes. Fear? Of what? But then it was gone and when Kaito spoke, his voice was relatively normal.

“After we clean up the village. It’ll take a couple of days to clean it up and completely move all of the bodies, but then we’ll go back and finish week four. After that… well, you’ll be in different hands. And things will be much, much harder. Do you think you can handle it?”

“Of course!”

Killua only listened with half an ear. Bodies? Children? Enemies? Things were beginning to click into place. When they finally reached the outskirts of the tiny village, things came completely together to make a horrifyingly grave picture. Killua had seen bloodshed, but this… this was complete slaughter.

Blood bathed the sooty main road like water after a fresh rain, splashed over the ground to make horrific shapes, most of which looked jagged and sharp enough to cut. It was splashed up the walls of houses that seemed as if they’d previously been immaculate, lined into the cracks of stone gates and doorways. It gathered in the darkest corners, and spread in the dappled patches of light, washing everything out with a rusty, dark colour that screamed of rot and decay. And in some places, the blood was crusted onto dried up, darker looking… things. The scent in the air left nothing to the imagination—those ‘things’ were pieces of skin, bits of brain matter, maybe organs…

Killua may have been able to take it in without getting too upset, had a couple of soldiers not excused themselves and walked past him. They were carrying a stretcher, and the shape of the blindingly white sheet placed over top of it may as well have not even been there. An arm hung out, stained dark with blood. A woman’s arm. Even so, Killua could’ve taken it had another couple of soldiers not walked by carrying a stretcher with a body only half of his size.

“Gon… did you… did you do this?”

Killua glanced at Gon pleadingly, as if hoping for some sort of explanation. Gon grinned. A large, happy grin.

“Yep!”

Then he turned to Kaito, launching into the story Killua had told him about his time with Meruem and Komugi. Killua stared at him disbelievingly. What the hell? That wasn’t funny. That… that wasn’t funny at all. It was a joke, right? They’d set it all up for when he’d come back? But one look at all the disgusted, horrified looks on the faces of the soldiers cleaning up was enough to let him know that it wasn’t joke. So why was Gon smiling happily?

“Killua Zoldyck?”

Killua turned around numbly, looking up into the face of none other than Brigadier General Hisoka. Hisoka looked as satisfied as a cat who’d just gotten a dish of milk. His eyes flickered to Gon and the smile grew. Killua glanced back, making sure Gon was fine with Kaito, before following Hisoka. If he disobeyed, it was possible Hisoka could report him and… he didn’t know. He had no idea how much power Hisoka held within the military. Maybe Hisoka could even get him kicked off of Gon’s squad.

“Gon~ Quite the anomaly, isn’t he?”

Hisoka stopped when they were far enough away that Gon and Kaito wouldn’t be able to hear him. He tapped his bottom lip thoughtfully with one long, slender finger. Killua waited edgily, on guard. What was Hisoka trying to say?

“Let me tell you something, something about that cute little boy that everyone probably knows but ignores. He was raised on the wildness of the world, and spending that kind of time alone means he’s seen more death than anyone. Oh no, I don’t mean the death of humans~ He’s seen predators slaughter prey, animals battle over food and territory, young cubs die because their parents were torn apart. Without even knowing it, he’s probably become accustomed to brutalities even you can’t imagine. He doesn’t see it as wrong. He doesn’t see anything as wrong. He simply sees it as a way of living.”

There was a lengthy pause as Killua processed was what being said. It was as if the Brigadier General was suggesting that Gon didn’t have… Killua’s eyes widened a fraction. Why had Gon joined the war? To find his father. What had been his reaction when he’d killed soldiers? There really hadn’t been one. What if… what if it wasn’t innocence? The kid had never had his guard up even once. Yet, no one had taken advantage of him the way Killua had expected. Tonpa had tried, but only because Gon was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Anyone who knew the cheerful idiot had never once tried anything. Hisoka smirked as if he knew exactly what Killua was thinking.

“May I ask you something? What do you get when you cross an animal with a human?”

Killua swallowed, feeling a kind of nervousness. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear about something he probably already knew deep down. That there was something… off about his lover.

“…What are you getting at?”

“When you cross an animal with a human, you get an animal with emotions, feelings, ambitions, and brains. You get an animal with a higher survival rate, who will use all of their cunning and wit to escape death. They keep their fundamental wildness, but they become more self-aware and thus they use that to keep them alive. Slaughtering children? It isn’t a cruelty. They know that if they allow a child to grow after killing its parents, the child will grow in hate and try to kill them. It isn’t sadism, it’s survival instinct.”

True enough. Survival instinct… was that what Gon had? Was that what Hisoka was suggesting? It made sense—he’d had to fend for himself a lot on the island, despite being raised by nice people. It was just his way to get into troubling and dangerous situations. Even so, it was okay. It was okay if Gon chose survival instinct over morality. As long as Killua was there to—

But Hisoka wasn’t finished yet.

“But… what do you get when you cross a human with an animal? Isn’t it obvious~? An animal who no longer fears death as the end. A human who doesn’t know what morality is. And that means… why, that means you get a monster.”

The statement took Killua’s breath away in a way it shouldn’t have. It was as if someone had punched him in the gut, and he almost felt a need to double over and try to hold the terrible feeling growing inside of him down. A monster. There were many, many people who were monsters. Serial killers, rapists, arsonists, bombers… but none of them were quite the same type of monster Hisoka was suggesting.

“I saw that in him the first day he walked on board. When I walked up to him, do you know what I saw in his eyes? Excitement. He could sense what I was, and it excited him to dance with danger. Even if he lies to you, even if he lies to himself, those eyes can’t lie to me~ He’s a true monster. I wonder… hm… I suppose he even terrifies me. But that makes it all the more exciting. He and I have more in common than you want to believe.”

Killua’s eyes flickered over to the boy talking animatedly to Kaito. He was laughing, a large grin on his face despite the gruesome scene of body after body being carted out of the village behind him. He didn’t even seem to acknowledge it; when he looked around, it was as if he were looking through it. Looking through his own carnage with an air of nonchalance. Wearing the smile he always wore. Gon was… a monster?

“He’s not like you.”

Killua’s voice was heated, filled with vehemence. No, he wasn’t a monster. He was different than everyone else, but he wasn’t a monster. He hadn’t killed for fun, he’d killed because he was angry and worried. And the children… that was…

“Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. But if you think he can be satisfied with a happy life and home, I’m afraid you’re wrong. He’ll never be satisfied~ All you have to do is look at his lineage. His father gave up raising a child to satiate his lust for adventure. His grandfather gave up everything to travel to lands unknown to satiate a desire for wildness. You can try to hold onto him as hard as you can, but in the end a normal life will destroy him. In the end, he will always choose his animal side over you~”

“You’re wrong!”

Killua’s shout was so loud that everyone in the village paused in their removal of bodies to stare at him. He was shaking in anger, his nails bringing blood out on his palms from crescent-shaped cuts, as he glared at Hisoka.

“You’re wrong.”

The volume of his voice was lower, but the intensity was just as great. It had to be wrong. Hisoka didn’t know Gon the way Killua did. He thought he knew but he didn’t. Gon may kill, he may not understand morality, he may act animalistic, but he wasn’t a monster. And even if he didn’t want to settle down, even if he needed to travel forever just because that was who he was… it didn’t matter. It was fine. They’d just deal with it, the way they dealt with everything else.

“Kil, you shouldn’t yell at the Brigadier General when you aren’t even a Private yet.”

Killua froze. His blood turned to ice as he turned slowly, his face paling when he saw the familiar, blank-eyed face behind him. Why? Why was _he_ here? He should be out with Silva and Zeno, finding some enemy base and killing the way he always did. Yet he was _here_. If he found out… if he found out about Gon and Killua’s relationship…

“Illumi… What are you doing here?”

“Ah! Well, I was worried about my adorable little brother. I’ve been here the whole time, even since the ship.”

Since… since that long ago? Then just how much did the raven-haired man know? Did he know everything already? Killua searched his memories, wondering if he’d ever even caught a glimpse of Illumi before this moment. No. Of course not; if Illumi didn’t want to be seen, he wouldn’t be seen. It was very possible he knew everything. Killua prepared himself for Illumi knowing, but prayed he didn’t.

“Ah! I’ve seen you! You were with Hisoka on the ship!”

Gon. At the worst possible time, as usual. He must’ve been curious about what Killua was yelling at, so he’d come over. Only to come face-to-face with Illumi. Gon studied Illumi, his eyes bright with a curiosity that was also reflected in Illumi’s eyes, though Illumi’s curiosity seemed much more threatening. Killua glanced over to where Gon had been talking to Kaito, but the man was nowhere to be seen. This was bad. Illumi extended a hand, and for a second Killua thought he saw a flash of some emotion in his eyes.

“I’m Killua’s older brother, Illumi. Nice to meet you.”

Gon glanced between Killua and Illumi, his brow wrinkling as he extended his hand. Wait… that flash in Illumi’s eyes… Killua grabbed the back of Gon’s shirt and pulled him away a second quick enough as a knife flashed through the air, drawing blood from the bridge of Gon’s nose. No doubt Illumi would’ve taken one or both eyes if Killua had been even a millisecond too late. Shit. This was really bad. No one would pay attention if Illumi and Hisoka were both involved, even if the older men tried to kill the younger. And the way Illumi emotionlessly brandished the knife and crouched down, it was obvious he was planning to kill at least one of them.

“The war’s almost over and when it is, we want Kil back. I’ve watched you so I know you won’t give up being his friend. I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to take him back is to kill you.”

Gon’s eyes widened as Killua shoved him back, placing himself between the bewildered kid and his brother. Like hell. He probably wouldn’t be able to beat Illumi, but…

“Kil, move.”

He clenched his teeth, glaring stubbornly at Illumi. No, there was no way. He’d never once disobeyed his older brother, but he’d never once felt so strongly about someone either. If Illumi wanted Gon, he’d have to go through Killua. Illumi let out a sigh and toyed with his knife, flipping it over his wrist and around his hand. Hisoka, who had stepped back, crossed his arms and watched through slit eyes. Killua had no idea what he was thinking, but he had no time to contemplate on it as Illumi moved with a lightning speed, his hand flashing out and smashing Killua straight in the face before Killua could react.

Killua must’ve flown four feet to the side, and the bitter tang of blood coated his mouth. He spat, his head turning frantically. He wanted to get up, to run as fast as he could to try and stop his older brother, but it was too late. Illumi stood over Gon, looking down at him blankly.

“I don’t see why everyone’s making such a fuss over you. You’re just a stupid kid. Not even fit to lick my younger brother’s feet.”

He brought the knife down, straight at Gon’s face. Killua screamed, desperately running even though he knew he wouldn’t make it, and Hisoka watched with an unreadable look on his face.

“I’ll kill you.”

Illumi’s knife stopped, hovering a millimetre above Gon’s eye. If he so much as trembled, it would bury itself through the soft membrane, and another tremble would sink it into Gon’s skull. But Illumi never shook, and now he quirked an eyebrow, his mouth twitching.

“What?”

The voice had even stopped Killua in his tracks, and he watched, his mind working as quick as it could to find a solution to the situation. …There was none. Gon would lose his eye if Illumi decided it. But…

Gon’s eyes were as blank as Illumi’s as he looked up at the military assassin.

“I’ll kill you.”

The way it was said… the absolute certainty and lack of any emotion in Gon’s voice sent a shiver down Killua’s spine. Gon didn’t seem bothered in the least that he was only the smallest fraction of time and space away from getting his eye sliced open like a grape. He stared into Illumi’s eyes and Illumi stared into his. It seemed like it was taking hours, days, weeks, for anyone to move. And then, slowly, silently, Illumi drew the knife back. His hand was graceful as he set the point on Gon’s forehead.

“I wonder if everyone’s observations were justified after all.”

Gon reached up and wrapped his fingers around the hand holding the knife. Illumi blinked in surprise, his eyes widening. Killua drew in a sharp breath as Gon pressed it into his head, blood trickling down his face. Even Hisoka uncrossed his arms and took a step forward as Gon continuously pulled the knife further into his skin. The trickle of blood was becoming a steady stream. Illumi blinked owlishly then tried to pull his hand back. He pulled harder and harder and harder, but Gon refused to let go.

“Gon, stop.”

Killua managed to find his voice and he spoke up, the sound coming out in a dry rasp.

“He wants to take you away, Killua. He wants to make you go back. I won’t let them make you do things you don’t want again.”

There was a loud crack that made Killua jump. His brows knit together as he saw the slightest twitch on Illumi’s face. Holy shit. Gon had just broken his older brother’s hand.

A slow, sick grin crawled over Hisoka’s face and he ran his tongue over his lips. He’d known. He’d known Illumi wouldn’t kill Gon, and he’d let this happen. Ah, Gon~ He wanted to know just how far Gon would go if pushed, and he had a feeling the show was about to start. Illumi had experience, but Gon had something far more intangible, something that made him almost more dangerous. A fighting instinct that he had no problem giving into. The way the two squared off turned Hisoka on to a wicked degree.

“I know, I know, but he won’t. If he wanted to, he would’ve done it already. He just wants to see what you’ll do.”

Killua kept his voice light, inching towards the two. Illumi watched Gon, his interest growing more. Killua could see his other hand inching towards the belt concealed by his military jacket. He was going to really try to kill Gon, and whether the boy could block him or not, he wouldn’t stop until one of them was dead.

“I’ll show him what I’d do then. I’ll kill him.”

Illumi’s hand flashed, and Gon leapt back, the tip of the knife slicing through the top of his hair. Now Illumi held a knife in each hand, though the one Gon had held was horribly mangled, crushed and twisted in a way that looked excessively painful. Gon crouched like a cat about to spring, blank eyes watching Illumi’s every move. Illumi sighed, dropping the knife from his mangled hand and brandishing the one in his good hand.

“Gon, listen to me. Listen, okay? I know you’re upset, but it’s okay. I won’t leave and Illumi won’t do anything. Just calm down. You don’t need to fight.”

Gon’s eyes flickered in Killua’s direction a bit. That was it. Just a little more.

“We’re in this together, right? And I promised I wouldn’t leave your side. So I won’t. Okay? I won’t go back to them, and no one can make me. Come on, my mouth hurts. I need you to look at it and make sure I haven’t lost any teeth. Please?"

Gon slowly straightened and turned to look at him, the strange look fading from his eyes. Killua held his gaze, lowering his voice and speaking softly, imploringly, ignoring everything else. As far as he was concerned, it was just the two of them in the village. No one and nothing else mattered.

“You won’t do anything, right? I need you here, so don’t go off and get into trouble. I need you here with me. Don’t lose yourself. Please, Gon, I love you. You know I do. Isn’t that enough?”

Gon nodded, a small smile breaking out over his face. He opened his mouth to answer and Illumi lunged. Killua moved at the same time, pushing his body more than he’d ever thought he could. Closer, closer… he wasn’t going to make it.

“Gon!”

But then he had crashed into his lover and took him down, clutching him tightly as they rolled, dust puffing up into the sky. Killua glanced over his shoulder; there was no way he should’ve beaten Illumi. But what he saw baffled him. Hisoka stood above Illumi, his hand digging into Illumi’s arm hard enough to leave angry red marks.

“Not today. He isn’t strong enough yet.”

Hisoka glanced over at Killua and Gon, his face looking mildly annoyed.

“If you think love will stop him from being what he is, you’re wrong. He only barely came back this time. Next time, I doubt you’ll be able to do anything.”

But the look of annoyance on Hisoka’s face was enough to assure him that Hisoka hadn’t expected anything to be able to stop Gon. Killua looked down at Gon, who was looking up at him with an unguarded expression of worry. Before Killua could say anything, Gon reached up and took Killua’s face, gesturing for him to open his mouth. Killua obliged, and Gon studied the inside of Killua’s mouth with a frown. The gentleness in his hands and concern on his face made Killua wonder if he’d imagined the entire thing.

“My, my. Mother and Father will be heartbroken. They want you to carry on the bloodline, Kil. Being with another man is fine for fun, but love? I’m sure you’ll be hearing from them soon.”

Illumi extracted himself from Hisoka, brushing himself off with his usual nonchalance. Then he turned and walked away, his one hand dangling crookedly at his side. Hisoka hesitated, looking at the two boys, then gave them both a smile that promised disgusting things and followed Illumi.

“Killua… what did Hisoka mean by ‘what he is?’ What am I?”

Gon released Killua’s face after making sure no teeth were broken or falling out. His eyes were clear, full of light and innocence and childish curiosity. This was the Gon he knew and loved. The other Gon…

“You’re mine.”

No, there was no other Gon. This one just had a darkness he rarely expressed. But Killua knew what darkness was, and he didn’t care if he had to look it in the face. He’d always thought he needed Gon. He needed him, but Gon didn’t need anybody. That was how it had been. However, right now, more than anything, it was Gon who needed Killua. They needed each other. If that’s how it was, Killua didn’t care. He would love all of Gon, darkness and light.

“You’re a lot of things. You’re this army’s teammate, Ging’s kid, Mito’s son, Leorio and Kurapika’s friend, and my soulmate. But in the end, you’re Gon. You’re you. No matter what that means, we’ll all be by your side. So don’t worry about, okay?”

Gon thought about that for a second, then beamed and pecked Killua on the lips.

“Okay. And you don’t worry either, Killua, because you’re all of those things too. I mean, you’re not Ging’s kid or Aunt Mito’s son, oh and you aren’t your own soulmate, but maybe someday you can be their kid too? And you’re my soulmate! And…”

Gon started rambling on, the conversation getting more and more confused as he talked. But it didn’t matter; Killua listened to everything he said and tried his best to respond. In the end, they both gave up on it, and they walked out of the carnage hand in hand, mostly unscathed and laughing.


	12. Dreams vs Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which nothing happens...... I'm so sorry I don't know why it's taking me so long to bridge the gap between Killua's fall and getting back into training. I just need to explain what's going on in the war and then it'll be back in swing, I promise.

“Don’t be ridiculous, this isn’t something that friends do, Leorio.”

“It isn’t like that, I only need to know if I’m good at it.”

“So you think _I_ should be the one to judge that? That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Yeah it does! I don’t know, I’d just feel comfortable if it was you. Who else am I supposed to ask?”

“I don’t know, your _girlfriend?_ ”

Killua and Gon were standing outside of their old bunk, looking at each other in confusion. What exactly was going on between their old bunkmates? They’d made their way back to camp with Kaito, and though Killua had laughed with him and Kaito had spoken normally in the village, Gon felt as if they were both acting strange. He hoped being with Kurapika and Leorio would alleviate that weirdness. Killua glanced at him for a second and Gon saw that look again—why? But then it was gone and Killua spoke in a low voice.

“Let me tell them, okay?”

About Killua being his boyfriend? Aw, man, Gon had wanted to tell them. It was exciting! But Killua sounded firm, so he gave a tiny nod. Killua was probably better with words anyway.

“Leorio! Kurapika!”

Gon shoved open the door, a huge grin on his face. The two men, who were standing close together in a heated argument, froze. Their mouths dropped as they saw Gon, and when they saw Killua behind him they seemed even more shocked. And then… chaos.

The four of them were yelling excitedly, scrambling to talk, scrambling to hug each other warmly. But everyone wanted to hug everyone so in the end it ended up being one large, awkward group hug, with everyone laughing wildly. Gon hadn’t thought about anything other than finding Killua when he was in the forest, but he realized now that he’d really missed Leorio and Kurapika too.

“Where were you guys? What happened? Everyone said Killua was dead!”

Gon sat down promptly and began speaking even before Killua could. He told them almost everything, leaving out the moments between him and Killua, and kind of glazing over the village. All he said was that the village had been bad and had gotten wiped out. He noticed Killua shoot him a strange look at that. Why? He didn’t feel like going into detail. It all seemed kind of hazy, anyway. Before finding Killua, everything seemed hazy, even walking back to the base. Oh well; it wasn’t like it mattered. He’d just wiped out a couple of enemies.

“That’s… crazy. Killua, you’re incredibly lucky to be alive.”

Kurapika’s voice was awed and he shook his head in disbelief. Gon nodded happily, and reached out to take Killua’s hand before realizing he shouldn’t. But if he left it indecisively in the air, it would be obvious what he was trying to do. He needed to do something not suspicious and he only had a couple of seconds… he grabbed Killua’s palm and flipped it up, making a hum in his throat as he studied it.

“Well, his palm says he’s going to live a long life.”

Everyone stared at him. He beamed at them, releasing Killua’s hand. He didn’t know how to read palms, but it seemed convincing enough.

“Let me see.”

To their surprise, Kurapika took Killua’s hand and examined it. He frowned, shaking his head.

“I think you read it wrong, Gon. It says he’s going to lose something he didn’t know he could lose. Something very important, that’s connected to his lover. Or maybe his lover is the one who will lose it? I’m not as good at this as Pairo was, so I’m not sure.”

Oh no. If Kurapika read palms, he’d know Gon was lying and he’d figure everything out. Gon paid no mind to what Kurapika had said, though Killua looked disconcerted. Gon thrust out his palm.

“Read mine!”

Kurapika nodded—good, he was distracted—and took Gon’s palm. He reached up and traced a line, then his brows furrowed.

“I don’t think I’m reading this right. It can’t be what I think it is.”

Everyone leaned in, looking at Gon’s rough, calloused hands and examining the line Kurapika was pointing to. It meant nothing at all to them, but judging from the look on Kurapika’s face, it was bad.

“What is it?”

It had initially been a distraction, but now Gon was curious. Lots of people on Whale Island were superstitious, so they believed in things like palm reading. Gon was still undecided. He’d decide it was right if what Kurapika said came true. Kurapika looked up, narrowing his eyes thoughtfully, almost worriedly.

“It says you’re going to lose your soul.”

Gon swallowed, looking down at his palm with wide eyes. He’d never understood much about the soul, but he knew it was very powerful and important.

“Not only that… you’ll leave this world early. You’ll lose your soul, then you’ll leave this world early. I guess it means you’re going to die young and empty.”

Woah… that was really scary. He shared a glance with Killua. Killua looked… mad. Really mad, and sort of desperate. Gon wondered what he was thinking—did he think Gon was going to lose his soul too?

“But don’t take my word for it. There’s something else about the whole thing that’s confusing. I really don’t understand this one line. Besides, palm reading is a pastime for fun, it isn’t meant to be taken all that seriously.”

Kurapika leaned back and offered Gon a comforting smile, as if he didn’t really believe what he’d said himself. Well, if Kurapika wasn’t worried, Gon wouldn’t worry. He couldn’t see how one went about losing a soul, so he figured as long as he was careful, he could hold onto it.

“Okay! I won’t worry, then. Besides, I’m curious… what were you and Leorio talking about before me and Killua came in?”

Leorio and Kurapika shared a glance, and Kurapika’s face coloured slightly. He was embarrassed? Gon leaned forward even more, nutmeg eyes sparkling with curiosity. Even Killua, who had seemed shaken by Kurapika’s statement about Gon’s palm, shook himself and listened. Kurapika sighed.

“Leorio wants me to kiss him.”

“W-w-what? T-t-tell them the w-whole s-story, idiot!”

“Very well. Leorio met a nurse he has a crush on named Leroute. I don’t believe she’s as innocent as she acts—there’s something off about her—but she accepted a date with Leorio.”

Leorio had a date? With a nurse? That was unexpected.

“Just because she’s beautiful and likes me back, doesn’t mean she’s a bad person!”

“Leorio… she told you she’d go on a triple date with you if you brought Gon Freecss and Killua Zoldyck.”

Kurapika turned his eyes to Gon and Killua apologetically.

“I’m sorry about this. He agreed without even knowing if you were coming back. Next weekend, Leroute and two of her friends are going to be here to take you two and him out.”

Whaaat? Him and Killua were going to go on a date with two different ladies? But, but… they were boyfriends! They shouldn’t be going on dates on with other people. He wanted to tell Kurapika and Leorio right then, but he’d promised Killua he’d keep his mouth shut. He sighed internally; they would both go for Leorio’s sake, he knew that. Even before Killua said anything, even before Leorio begged them, he knew they’d do it for their friend. But he didn’t want to share Killua. He crossed his arms in anger, peeking at Killua from the corner of his eyes. Killua didn’t seem bothered. Well fine. If Killua acted nonchalant, he’d act that way too.

“As for the kiss… Leorio thinks Leroute is going to want to kiss him on the first date. And, surprisingly enough, this idiot’s never kissed a girl before. So he wants me to tell him if he’s good at it. That’s why we were arguing.”

Poor Leorio, never having kissed someone. Killua… he really, really knew how to kiss well, but he definitely wouldn’t help. Gon didn’t know about Kurapika’s kissing skills, but it was obvious Kurapika wouldn’t do it either.

“I’ll do it!”

Leorio blinked, opening his mouth and closing it again, at a loss for words. If he said he didn’t want Gon to help him, it would look like he actually wanted to kiss Kurapika, but Gon seemed much too childish and… it was really weird. With Kurapika, for whatever reason, it didn’t feel weird at all, but with Gon… Gon was like a little brother.

Gon raised a hand excitedly; Killua said he was good at it, so he could teach Leorio. But suddenly strong arms wrapped around his back and he let out a little oof as Killua dragged him onto his lap. He turned to ask Killua what was so wrong, but Killua pressed his lips against Gon’s and kissed him with a deep, heated passion that left Gon’s head spinning and his mouth half open as he panted. Kurapika coughed into his hand, turning away, and Leorio stared in astonishment, blinking rapidly.

“No you won’t. Your kisses belong to me.”

He looked up at Leorio as if daring him to say anything different. Leorio just blubbered, holding his hands up and shaking his head frantically in denial.

“I suppose that’s one way to come out.”

Kurapika looked on the verge of bursting into laughter as he spoke, and Killua’s face turned red as he realized just how tactless he’d been with it. Gon ran an experimental tongue over his lips. He could still taste Killua in his mouth, and he kind of wished they were in private so they could do some of _those_ things. He really enjoyed them, and he was curious about what other stuff they could do, but now that they were back in the bunk, he realized that might be hard. He let out a small sigh; oh well, as long as he could be close to Killua. He wrapped his arms around Killua’s pale, slender neck and let his head rest on Killua’s shoulder as a satisfied grin crossed his face.

“Killua’s my boyfriend.”

Kurapika laughed harder at Gon’s easy statement, while Leorio slowly lowered his hands and brushed a hand over his face to hide a smile.

“Gon… we already knew this was how it was going to turn out.”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. It was pretty obvious.”

Killua glared at Leorio, but it was more of an annoyed glare than anything else. Gon knew he’d thought Leorio and Kurapika would put up a fuss, but Gon hadn’t thought that at all. Because, even if they didn’t know it yet, Gon was pretty sure Kurapika and Leorio were going to end up becoming boyfriends.

“But guys… don’t forget we’re in the bunk next to you. We want our sleep and these things are creaky, if you know what I mean.”

Killua rolled his eyes and nodded as if he already knew.

“Obviously we aren’t going to do anything.”

Gon sat back, a look of utter astonishment on his face.

“Why not? I can be quiet!”

All the blood in Killua’s body must’ve rushed to his face, because he looked like a tomato as Leorio clutched his stomach and laughed so hard tears ran down his face while Kurapika looked more amused than ever.

“Gon, shut up. It’s time to go to bed. And tonight, you’re sleeping in your own bed.”

Killua released him and hefted him off, standing up quickly. Gon shook his head and drew in a deep, disappointed breath; he knew Killua wanted to do those things just as much as him. If they were in bed together, it would be inevitable, which was why Killua was making him sleep on his own. Why did Killua have to be so embarrassed about it? It wasn’t like Kurapika and Leorio would get mad. They’d end up together soon enough and they’d probably do those things too.

But, nonetheless, Gon crawled into his own bed as everyone else did, wishing Killua would’ve come with him because Killua was warm. He pulled the cover (which was really only a thin, scratchy blanket) up to his chin and closed his eyes. Kaito had said they were being briefed tomorrow about training and how their side was doing in the war, so they needed sleep tonight. Okay! Back to training soon! He drew in one deep, peaceful breath and faded into a welcome sleep. His dreams, however, were not as welcome.

* * *

 

“Pitou!”

He was nothing. Everything he was and everything that he ever would be was swept away by a cold fury that curled around his heart and soul, squeezing like a snake around a mouse. Lips peeled back into the growl of an animal, and muscles rippled so hard as to be painful. The eyes of his prey, which had looked so self-confident before, now held a glimmer of fear. Good. They would be doing more than glimmering when he was done.

“Try, then. A kid like you? You’re nothing.”

It was true, but being nothing was more than his prey knew. It was the tidal wave that destroyed countries, the fire that raged through trees, the wind that tore apart houses. What were those things? They were nothing—they held no life, no soul. If that was what he was, so be it.

He lunged and his prey moved. The thing in his hand—some sort of weapon, he’d long forgotten where he’d gotten it, flashed and blood scattered. No, he’d hit something else, not his prey.

“NO!”

His prey was screaming, upset, furious. Good. If his prey wanted to run, he’d destroy everything else, break everything down and raze every house if that was what it took. His eyes passed over the face of a woman, her eyes opened, already glazed with death as she sunk to the ground. The crimson splatter on his face felt so warm. He passed a hand over his face, wiping it, smearing it into his skin.

“You or them.”

He didn’t recognize the sound coming from his mouth, it was a rasp, it was death crawling across the ground towards the child who was running. The child… he spun, his hand automatically flashing down to make a sick, wet sound as it sunk into the face. More blood, this time on his clothes. He hadn’t meant to. He hadn’t meant to and yet… they were all running at him now and he had no choice.

His dance was death. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to do this but he had no choice. His prey was running, trying to escape and his hands flashed, sometimes the weapon digging into flesh, sometimes hands, tearing at throats and veins. They were swarming like rats, covering him. He dropped the weapon and used everything, blunt nails ripping with a force the small body shouldn’t have, teeth flashing out. Just get to the prey. It doesn’t matter what you have to do.

“It hurts.”

The voice was small behind him. Just a kid. He turned around, the blood dripping from him, pooling at his feet, soaking into his boots so every step was a squelch. Squelch, squelch, squelch. The prey was gone and all that remained was a sea of red. It rose to his knees, it reddened his skin, it moved in time with the blood in his veins. He sloshed through it, his eyes on the child. A boy.

“It hurts.”

His hand was pressed over his heart and liquid spilled through his fingers. Gon sped up, fighting through the blood.

“They’re going to leave.”

Gon stretched out his fingers desperately, shaking his head.

“No! Killua won’t!”

The kid tilted his head, watching Gon with nutmeg eyes, tears spilling onto his face.

“Yes he will.”

Gon’s fingers swished through the air and he was the child, clutching his chest as pain swept through his body, blood pouring like a river through his fingers. He lifted them away and looked down. There was no heart, only a jagged hole. He sank to his knees, tearing at his hair, screaming.

“Gon-nii-chan.”

He looked up, broken, squinting as a young girl crouched beside him. Her eyes were light and blue, clear with concern and gentleness in them.

“Help me, Alluka.”

She nodded, then cupped her hands and stretched them out.

“Gon-nii-chan, give me—”

* * *

 

“Nanika…”

Gon bolted up, his eyes wide, his chest throbbing. His cheeks were wet with tears and his hands were stretched out.

“Gon?”

The bed above him creaked and a quiet thump alerted him to Killua’s presence. Killua climbed into the bed, sitting cross legged beside Gon, reaching out to brush away some of the tears.

“What’s wrong? Bad dreams?”

Gon looked at Killua solemnly. He saw fear growing in Killua’s eyes, but there were so many things going through his mind that he couldn’t speak of one thing. He drew his hands back and placed one over his heart, taking a deep breath.

“Gon…? Is it one of those really vivid ones that feels like a memory?”

“No. It wasn’t the past. It was… it was the future.”

He glanced at his palm.

“Kurapika was right.”

“Gon! Don’t—”

Gon shushed Killua with one finger, pressing it to Killua’s lips. It all made sense now. Everything, from what was to what would be. He smiled, a little sadly. Killua wouldn’t like it one bit but…

“It’s okay. I understand everything. It’ll be a big sacrifice, but it’ll be worth it. Just trust us, Killua. You’ll see.”

“What… are you…? Us…?”

There was no need for Killua to look at him like that, no need to worry because… wait. Why was there no need to worry? Who was the other person who had said that? What was he thinking about? Gon pressed his hands over his eyes and yawned.

“Sleepy. Night.”

Killua tried to stop him, but sleep was calling to him and he allowed it to carry him into a darkness that he didn’t come out of until dawn.

* * *

 

“Gon, do you remember last night?”

“Eh? Last night? You mean when you said no doing those things?”

“No. You had a nightmare and you said some strange things.”

“A nightmare? That’s silly! The last nightmare I had was when I bit you, I haven’t even dreamt since then.”

Gon walked with a bounce in his step, ignoring the strange look Killua gave him. Actually, everyone was looking at him strangely. Wherever he walked, he could feel eyes following him, and if he walked near someone, they would immediately move out of the way as if they were terrified of him. At one point, he and Killua walked past Illumi and Hisoka leaning against a tent. Illumi watched them emotionlessly, and Hisoka raised his fingers and gave them a wiggle. He ignored that too. He ignored everything; it would all go back to normal, so why worry over anything?

“Okay. Let me know if you remember anything.”

“Un!”

He wanted to take Killua’s hand and skip to the debriefing swinging it, but apparently that wouldn’t go over well. He didn’t understand why. People should be too busy worrying about their own lives to worry about how he and Killua lived theirs. A lot of people who didn’t live on Whale Island were strange. He definitely liked animals better. Unless the people were Killua, Leorio or Kurapika. Then he probably liked those people better.

“I hope we can start training soon.”

Gon whispered it to Killua as he held the flap of the large gathering tent open so his light haired companion could slip inside. Leorio and Kurapika were already waiting with two saved seats; Gon and Killua had taken their time eating. It seemed like almost all of the recruits were there. They avoided Gon’s eyes. It was like the first day he’d showed up ‘marked’ by Hisoka. Everyone had forgotten about that soon enough, though, so he figured they’d forget about this too. Whatever this was.

“Child killer.”

It was hissed by someone in the back of the crowd, and it caused a ripple, mostly of held breaths or quiet sighs, as people waited to see Gon’s reaction. Killua’s eyes flashed and Leorio stood up indignantly as Kurapika searched for who had said it. But Gon waved them all off. He turned to the crowd, drawing in a small breath, and smiled.

“It’s good to see everyone! I brought Killua back!”

A few people, Hanzo, Pokkle and a couple of the other recruits, grinned back at him as if they were genuinely pleased to see him.

“Oh look, the murdering Freecss faggot brought his Zoldyck bitch with him. Great.”

It was the same voice as before, and this time even a few of the other recruits seemed genuinely annoyed, though another few nodded in agreement. Gon’s head turned, his smile never leaving.

“Matthew, right?”

His voice was light, easy, as his eyes caught those of the guy who had been talking. Matthew’s eyes widened in panic as he realized he’d been caught—he hadn’t expected to be picked out of the crowd so easily. Gon took a step closer, holding out his arm to stop Killua from lunging across the room. The strange light in his eyes and the aura coming from him made everybody pause. The tension in the tent was on a knife’s point and the temperature must have gone up five degrees as people began sweating and tugging on their collars.

“Don’t insult Killua!”

Gon’s tone turned firm and disapproving as he waved an angry finger at the nervous man. The tension diffused and Matthew’s friend gave him a good swat in the head; no, they must’ve been imagining it. Gon was just the same as ever.

He looked around in confusion as everyone relaxed, wondering why everyone had seemed so nervous in the first place. At that moment, Kaito swept into the room along with… everyone gasped. General Netero himself, the man who came up with all of the war plans and had single handedly changed the flow of the war. Everyone shot up out of their seats, saluting, and Gon and Killua scrambled to do the same from where they stood.

“Attention. General Netero.”

Kaito didn’t sound as enthusiastic as most military personnel did when introducing the General of the entire army. He said it the way one would introduce a cousin or friend. Netero waved his hand easily.

“Ohohoho. At ease, boys. No need for the formalities right now, we’re all comrades right?”

Yeah, they were all comrades, except for the fact that the man standing in front of them was powerful enough to order them to die, and respected enough that each and every one of them would obey regardless of what family waited for them.

“Well, now. Kaito tells me he doesn’t want to be the bearer of bad news so I’ve come in person to tell you.”

The old man reached up to rub his head thoughtfully, lifting one leg to scratch at an itch on the other. He was very odd to say the least. He wasn’t even dressed in usual military garb—he wore what looked like gym clothes, white and blue with the word ‘Heart’ sewn messily onto his shirt. His hand dropped from his head to his pointed beard, which he began tugging on as he spoke a sentence that would change everyone’s life.

“We’re losing the war, and the only way to get a foot up is to send you all to your deaths as soon as you’re finished training.”


	13. The True War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've been playing around with developing Gon and Killua's relationship and foreshadowing, but I think it's time to get into the real stuff. I actually do have a plot, I promise. 
> 
> Also, war AUs are awesome so go read GhouliGhost's 'The Light in the Shadows' because it's the war AU with the amazing detail I don't have.

There were no incredulous murmurings, no yells of outrage or shock. Everyone only sat quietly, albeit tensely as the General tugged at his beard, running his eyes over the recruits. He seemed to be trying to decide whether or not he should speak. In the end, he decided to, and his face went from humorous to grave.

“Now, when I say we’re losing, I don’t mean in the general sense. We’ve certainly captured more territory, and we’re holding down our own. However, there’s something no one has spoken about. They’re afraid to tell you, lest you decide to join the other side!”

That statement made the recruits share incredulous glances, but Netero wasn’t done talking, so they held their tongues. Not one of them missed the way Kaito gave the General a shocked look, and the way he physically restrained himself from interrupting his superior. Whatever it was, it must be big. Netero dropped his hands from his beard and stepped up to the makeshift podium, which was more or less a rough log with a crudely carved board sitting shakily atop it. He clutched the sides of the board, looking out at the crowd.

“This war isn’t about territory. It’s never been about that. They’ve told you that our enemies desire our land, but that was never what they wanted. In fact, if I had to guess, I’d say many of your ideals align with their side perhaps even more than ours.”

“Sir, why are you telling them this?”

Kaito looked astounded, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Because if I’m asking them to die for me, they have a right to know.”

Kaito looked as if he would argue, then he glanced back out over the crowd. His eyes found Gon’s, and Gon swore he saw guilt. Kaito nodded, his face pained, and stepped back, levelling his gaze somewhere on the back of the tent and clutching his hands behind his back.

“This war is about the gap between rich and poor. The privileged and the repressed. There isn’t enough resources for the starving to feed their children, and so one side is trying to claim the resources. They’ve been supplied with guns and weapons by our own local group of Robin Hoods, the Spiders, who now call themselves the ‘Phantom Troupe.’”

Kurapika’s knuckles turned white as he dug his fingers into his palms, leaning forward to listen.

“This ‘Phantom Troupe’ has recently managed to garner the attention of a certain man, one who could change the entire tide of the war. A man named Gyro.”

For some reason, the name carried a certain fear. Not a hot, stifling fear like the one everyone had glimpsed when Gon had seemed angry, but a quiet, cold fear that seeped into one’s bones and slowly ate at hope and reason. This wasn’t primal, instinctual fear. This was a fear only humans could feel. Gon’s head felt strange thinking about it. This kind of fear went against every fibre of his being, and yet it still clung to him. If he clutched it too tightly, he felt like it would become something he lived and breathed.

“I’m not saying Gyro can help them take over the territories we’ve secured or defend much better than they’re doing now. He has a small army of men following him, but not enough for significant change. No, the reason he has the potential to change the war is because he lights fires in the hearts of a certain kind of person.”

Netero leaned back and resumed tugging at his beard restlessly.

“In many eyes, we are the bad guys. Because we are the ‘repressors.’ I’m sure some of you have come from poor places, so you understand what it is to resent those in power. However, we’ve been going from place to place and trying to change that image. When we’ve secured areas, we explain to them why things have to be that way. The world needs balancing, and having some people fortunate and some people unfortunate is simply its way.”

“Screw that!”

A woman at the back shot up out of her seat so fast the rickety chair rattled to the ground. Her eyes were wide, and her nostrils flared in anger. Everyone’s attention turned to her as she spoke in a hoarse, shaking voice.

“Balance my ass. That’s bullshit! So you’re telling me that my little sister died cold and hungry from a curable sickness simply because the world needed ‘balance?’ What kind of fucked up logic is that?”

This time it was Leorio’s turn to empathize and feel her words pounding straight into his heart. He clenched his teeth, turning to shoot a glare at Netero. It was true; many children died from curable sicknesses simply because they lived in poverty. Life wasn’t fair. It lent itself to the rich and cared nothing for the children crying in pain on the streets.

“It doesn’t give the Spiders the right to steal!”

Kurapika was out of his seat now, his eyes flashing as he glared at her in a righteous anger. His clan and village had been healthy, and they shared with each other, so he didn’t know what it was like everywhere else. But it didn’t matter; just because people were dying, it didn’t give anyone the right to murder others.

“If they give it to the poor and dying, they’re saving lives! The rich just hoard their wealth. They don’t care if we’re dying. So why should we care if they die?”

The woman’s shout back at Kurapika had heads nodding, people who had grown up poor agreeing wholeheartedly. If others sat and drank wine, laughing, while children had to beg for bread only to get kicked aside, the ones drinking wine deserved death.

Killua stood up, looking down his nose at the woman who had spoken, his eyes cold as ice. He’d grown up rich, but he’d seen how bad the world was. The thing was, his parents had explained to him exactly why it was so bad.

“The rich deserve to die? The people who worked hard for their wealth? Don’t be ridiculous. There are jobs everywhere. They may be undesirable, but kids can still make money if they really need it. Selling their bodies, working as assassins, cheating at gambling… if you’re already in the underworld, there’s tons of ways to make money. The poor deserve what they get. If you’re too lazy to go out and find a job to survive, then you’re trash that should die.”

Leorio leapt up this time, narrowing his eyes at Killua.

“You can’t be serious. You think it’s that easy? Even if you do those things, they’ll eventually catch up with you and get you killed. Plus, there are diseases you can get that cost more than any of those things will make. Besides, it isn’t just about the money. How is it fair that a kid born into a privileged family doesn’t even have to consider those things? Sure, there are jobs, but you can never drag yourself up once the cycle starts. All people should be equal.”

There were many more people siding with Leorio and the indignant woman at the back than Kurapika and Killua. The majority of the people had joined the army for a meal and a bed to sleep. It was never about ideals for them, so the fact that they might just be fighting on the wrong side was beginning to dawn on them.

“Leorio, all people aren’t equal. Some people are smarter than others, some are more athletic, some are mentally tougher. No one is equal. If you gave everyone equal opportunities, what would happen? Imagine someone who has no mental toughness try to brave the fierceness of war. They would die. Imagine someone who isn’t smart trying to become a doctor. If you allowed them even though they weren’t smart enough, they would kill others. We can’t give people equal opportunities because people aren’t equal.”

Kurapika’s voice was imploring, begging Leorio and the others to see his side. Netero’s head snapped back and forth as he stroked his beard, watching the proceedings with an interested glint in his eyes. Gon listened, then glanced at Netero, something beginning to build in his eyes. Netero caught the look and winked.

“Hey…”

Gon’s voice was tiny, so no one paid attention. Leorio spoke louder, more aggressively, his mouth beginning to curl up as he set a foot on his chair and leaned close to Kurapika, true anger flitting across his features.

“I’m not asking for that kind of equality. I’m just saying everyone should get a chance. Who knows how smart street kids are?”

Leorio’s voice and face were suddenly softened with a sad nostalgia.

“My friend was one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. He was a hundred times smarter than me. He could’ve become a doctor a lot easier. And yet he didn’t get that chance. He died because this world is cruel and wouldn’t pay his medical bills. I wonder… are the Spiders right? If we’d chosen to steal from the rich… could we have had the same opportunities as them? Could I become a doctor by going to the expensive medical school like the girl who lived in a real house down the street? Could I do it that way instead of putting my life on the line here? She’ll never have to worry about death in that fancy university.”

Kurapika opened his mouth, then shut it for a second, struggling with something. When he spoke again, his voice was soft, gentle, but firm.

“I’m sorry about your friend, Leorio. Really. It shouldn’t have happened… But that doesn’t make the Spiders right. Stealing from the rich isn’t the way to solve your problems. Causing pain for others to alleviate your own pain is wrong. Their ideals saw my entire clan slaughtered. Men, women, children. We hadn’t hurt anyone.”

“Hadn’t hurt anyone? Your ignorance of our pain hurt us all!”

The woman at the back choked it out on the back of a sob, shaking her head.

“If you people ever thought to look down, you’d see the blood at your feet. But why look down? In your eyes, we’re just trash.”

Gon glanced at Netero again, and caught the old man’s smirk.

“Hey!”

Gon’s voice was a little louder, but this time people willfully ignored him, too immersed in the conversation to care about what he had to say. Killua’s lips peeled back as he glared at the woman, disgust clear on his features.

“Being rich doesn’t mean you don’t see the shadows. It doesn’t mean you don’t live in the shadows. It certainly doesn’t mean a soft life. Everyone has problems, even if they’re of a different nature. How arrogant of you, to think that you guys are the only ones whose feet are bathed in blood. I once saw an old man try to give a little boy a coin to help him buy bread. The boy stabbed him and took his wallet after he saw that the old man had more money in there.

I was curious, so I found out who the old man was and informed his family. Do you know what they told me? He was a scientist, and he was working on a cure to save his grandchild from a terrible disease. He was in a good mood because he was so close to finding it. After that, his grandchild died and the entire family was torn apart by their deaths. How do you think the families of the people you want to kill feel? Do you think you have the right to destroy them too? Those kids, who know nothing of what’s going on, who are guilty of nothing, are destroyed.”

The woman crossed her arms over her chest, her face unimpressed.

“I’ll bet that money saved that kid’s life, and probably his younger sibling’s as well. He would’ve had no idea what the old man was trying to do.”

Kurapika’s voice was deathly calm as he responded to the woman, ignoring the dirty looks people were giving him.

“Maybe his life and others were saved, but at what cost? One family for another? How can we hope to achieve peace by trading lives?”

A guy a couple of rows down from the woman stood up, twisting his hands timidly.

“I lived on the streets for years, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the rich and the poor will never understand each other. In that case… I think I’m on the wrong side.”

That caused an uproar, with many people shouting agreements while others shouted that they should be killed for being traitors. Gon’s brow furrowed as he looked at Netero, who chuckled and gave him a nod. Gon drew in a deep breath and stood up, looking around. He was the only one not speaking in the sea of chaos. Leorio and Kurapika were arguing angrily, Killua and the woman were having a shouting match with others backing each side, and others were having their own micro arguments, pointing fingers and yelling.

“You’re wrong.”

Gon’s voice was still too quiet to be heard, so he drew in as much air as his lungs could carry, and shouted as loud as he could.

“YOU’RE ALL WRONG!”

The entire room went silent as people winced, some covering their ears and shaking their heads. They glared at Gon, and all of the hostility was suddenly focused on him. The first one to speak was the woman at the back.

“That was rather self-entitled. I assume you’re a rich brat?”

Gon shook his head, glaring stubbornly at her.

“No. I lived with Aunt Mito and Aunt Mito was so poor I could only afford to bring one set of clothes with me. We mostly ate what I could catch in the forest, and Aunt Mito had to work really, really hard to make enough money to keep our property. No one on our island has any money. We don’t have anything to trade.”

Someone at the back snorted and called out, “So you wanna change to the Spider’s side, huh?” Gon shook his head vehemently, still glaring at the woman.

“I don’t. I don’t know what it’s like to be so poor I have to steal, but I know what it’s like to have rich people spit on you when you walk through the street. They did that sometimes. And the really mean ones would say bad things about Aunt Mito and ask her to do things with them. But you know, even some of the poor people did that too. Because there were mean people who were rich, and there were mean people who were poor.”

Gon turned to the timid man who’d made the comment about joining the other side.

“You said we can never understand each other. But you’re wrong. I’m poor, but I’m still friends with Killua and Kurapika. They’re both rich. Do you know why? Because even though we come from different places, we still have the same feelings. Leorio too. If you ask him, I’m sure he’ll agree that he likes Killua and Kurapika as well.”

Leorio’s glare at Kurapika slowly softened and he looked away, nodding gruffly, once.

“I met a guy who used to be a prince, and he was engaged to a farmer girl. They loved each other more than any people I’ve ever seen, because they both loved Gungi. Money… being raised one way… living one way… Why does that mean you can’t understand each other? You can still like the same things! We all like our families, right?”

There were grudging mutters, but the woman in the back spoke up angrily again.

“Even so, I don’t see why we should stay on this side!”

Gon looked at her, then turned to Netero.

“Old Man, who started the war?”

Everyone thought Netero would freak about being called Old Man, but the General gave a hearty chuckle, his eyes twinkling as if he knew exactly what was going on in Gon’s mind.

“The Spiders. They committed theft and killed, but we never took extreme action to stop them. One day, they stole guns and declared war, rallying up a bunch of underprivileged people. That forced us into self-defensive action, which is mostly what this war is now. We haven’t made many big, offensive pushes.”

Gon nodded, then turned back, his clear, stubborn glare taking in each and every person, even his friends.

“In that case, why are we arguing? Does it really matter who the poor people and who the rich people are? In the end, every one of us has had a precious person or comrade get hurt by the war. Whether you’re on this side or the other side, it won’t change anything. This war won’t do anything but hurt a lot of people, because no one’s even trying to find a real solution. We’re just hurting each other. Shouldn’t we focus on ending the war before anything else? If what the Old Man says is true… there is no winner in this war.”

Netero’s hand paused on his beard as he watched a change come over the recruits. They shifted, and some of them began shamefully avoiding Gon’s honest gaze.

“What do the Spiders want to do? Turn all of the rich people into poor people? That won’t help anybody. That just means our roles are reversed. I don’t know how we can fix this—I don’t even know if we can fix this—but won’t trying to understand each other help more than trying to kill each other?”

Now everyone’s eyes were on the ground. People who had been arguing sat down, most of them beside each other, although they obviously didn’t want to talk. Well, it was a start. Gon turned to Killua and held out his hand. Killua looked down at the palm that supposedly said his lover would have no soul and took it firmly as they both sat down. He wanted to tell Gon that what he’d said was beautiful, but there was a tremble in Gon’s hand.

“Killua…”

Killua looked up at Gon and was surprised by the expression on his face. It was a mixture of consternation, fear, and confusion.

“What’s wrong?”

Gon faced forward, refusing to look anybody, as he bit his lip hard and whispered low so his voice only carried to Killua’s sharp ears.

“I don’t understand people. I don’t understand them at all.”

“But you just said…”

“I know. I understand their feelings, but I don’t understand what they are. Rich, poor, wars… nothing like that happens in the animal world. If this is the way people are, maybe it’s better not to be a person.”

“Gon… do animals love?”

“Love? Hm… I don’t think they do the way we do.”

“Do you want to be someone who doesn’t care about money, has no interest in starting wars, and only cares about surviving?”

“I—”

“Would you abandon me for your own survival?”

Gon’s head turned and they shared a long look.

“No.”

“Then it’s okay if you don’t understand people yet. It doesn’t make you any less of a person.”

Killua gave Gon’s hand a squeeze and faced the front to listen to what Netero was about to say. Gon looked at him for a minute longer before smiling and turning the same way.

“Thanks, Killua.”

“Have we gotten that out of our systems, now?”

Netero walked out from behind the podium to stand at the very front of the stage. He still wore that perpetually amused look on his face, as if he’d found the fact that half of his recruits had been ready to join the other side hilarious. No one said a word, though many people refused to meet his eyes.

“Good! Well then, on to why we’re losing. This war is about winning people’s hearts. Being the ‘bad’ side, we aren’t really doing that. We need to start doing that. Because of Gyro and the Spider’s crusade of ‘justice,’ there are many small villages like the one who just tried to blow us all up. They don’t even see us as human. Even if we beat the opposition, we’ll lose a great deal of support and faith. That’s where you fine young men and women come in.”

A sizeable smile split Netero’s face.

“We specifically chose you because the majority of you are from poor villages or city slums. You can sympathize with the poor villages we’ll be sending you into. The last stretch that we need to get into is Meteor City, where Gyro and the Phantom Troupe are holed up. The problem is, there are five villages between us and Meteor City, and if we destroy them all we’re as good as kicking a hornet’s nest. Not that we couldn’t deal with it, but the preferable choice would be not bombing entire countries to dust.”

Despite Netero’s easygoing attitude, there was a hardness in his eyes that said what he was saying was no joke. Destroying peaceful villages would enrage the poor in countries everywhere, and there would be so many uprisings that the only way to handle them would be large amounts of death and destruction. The tent was so silent you could hear a pin drop, as everyone held their breaths to hear how he would remedy that.

“We need you thirty—probably more like twenty after being run through Colonel Biscuit’s training—to convince those villages to let us through. You can use any means necessary, but the preferable choice would be no violence for obvious reasons. Either way, you’ll be heavily supplied with weapons. If the only way is destruction, so be it. Just remember you hold the lives of thousands in your hands.”

They were just recruits, all of them, and yet already the pressure that was being heaped on them was immense. Thousands of lives? It was insane. And yet… other soldiers, men and women with more experience, were busy defending. Plus, they’d seen so many of their comrades slaughtered by the other side that they’d have no qualms about using violence as a first resort. So, logically, the new recruits were the best choice. That didn’t make the pressure any less, though.

“Before we do that, we have to make sure you’re capable. Yes, basic training requires a lot, but actually being on the field is much different. Therefore, I’m going to risk everything and send you on three missions before that final one. For those missions, you’ll be among veterans who will do everything to see that you survive them. I need to know you won’t break under the pressure and horror of seeing precious teammates die. You will be sent on missions to help take over certain neutral areas that would be ideal for setting up a base. The first will be in Gordeau Desert, which will test your ability to survive in a place where there’s little cover and resources. You’ll be supplied in the villages, but once you’re out of supplies we won’t be able to help you until you take over the village.”

Gordeau Desert… what a place for a first mission. It was located just outside of Yorknew City, so it would certainly be a great place for a base of operations to act in Yorknew City. This wasn’t some small thing, this was also a mission with a ton of pressure.

“The next is in a relatively quiet place, but equally as important since it’s the place the majority of pacifists idealize. The NGL. They don’t allow weapons, yet we need to bring weapons in to take over the forests. The forests are full of strange creatures which can kill you just as easily as the soldiers. This mission is to test how discreet you can be. You’ll need to be discreet if you manage to make it to Meteor City, as we’ll need you to scout the place out before launching an attack.”

So the NGL had nothing to do with territory, and more to do with public image. A base in the NGL would make pacifists join whatever side had that base. Probably the environmentalists as well.

“The final stage is a place we control. The Sengi Guild. There’s an incredible amount of resistance and infighting there, so we’re sending you in to put a stop to the riots, fighting, and killing. The Sengi Guild is basically an entire city of slums, so it’s no wonder the majority of people want to take it over and hand it to the Phantom Troupe on a silver platter. This is to test whether or not you can actually deal with the kind of people who live in these villages and Meteor City.”

Not many people had heard of the Sengi Guild. Hanzo seemed like the only one who had. He narrowed his eyes, nodding as if what Netero was saying made sense.

“Between each of the villages you’ll have to take over, there’s forest occupied by the opposition. Once you take over the villages, we’ll send in the artillery to help take over the forests. However, you must remember you’re on your own until then. We’ve estimated that, alone, your predicted outcome is 100% failure.”

Everyone knew what became of yelling and arguing so they sat quietly, waiting to hear the rest. Netero looked disappointed, as if he’d actually wanted people to start fighting. What a strange old man.

“I suppose you know even I wouldn’t be cruel enough to do that. Too bad; I would’ve loved to, but some of my minions convinced me it would be a bad idea. It’s rather disappointing—imagine if you’d won even though your chances of winning were exactly 0%. Ohohohoho.”

No one was amused, least of all Kaito at being called a ‘minion.’

“Hmph. Well, I’ll be sending people with you to increase your chances, of course. Kaito volunteered, so he’s going. However, no one else knows who else is going, not even the people going themselves. They’ll know soon enough. Keep in mind I chose this lineup so you could all have fun while you’re in horribly dire, life-and-death situations.”

Netero chuckled again, his eyes crinkling merrily as he looked back and forth between Gon and Killua.

“Alright, I haven’t decided yet so I’ll just say whoever comes to my mind first. Colonel Biscuit for her expertise in keeping people in line, whether they’re mentally tough or not. Kaito because he volunteered. Hm… Brigadier General Hisoka will be a nice wild card. Ah! And Illumi Zoldyck. He doesn’t have an assigned rank, but if he did it would most likely be Brigadier General as well. He can help with the killing. You need a planner as well… Lieutenant General Pariston should do nicely for that. One more, one more…”

His eyes fell to rest on Gon and his smirk grew wicked.

“Of course. Someone to deal with anything unexpected. Even though he’s a lazy bum, I still think it’ll be the perfect chance to see something amusing. So my sixth and final choice will be… Lieutenant General Ging Freecss.”

Gon’s eyes widened and his breath caught in his throat. He half stood up, words already on his lips, but Netero spoke quickly.

“And that’s it! Your training starts back up again tomorrow, so you’d better prepare yourselves. We’re going to push you to be the best set of recruits we’ve ever trained, so you can expect training no one’s even heard of before. Ohohoho, what fun this will be. Dismissed!”

With that, he shambled out of the tent so quickly Gon never even got the chance to say a word.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I POURED THE GRAVY BEFORE I INSERTED THE MEAT AND POTATOES, BUT THERE ARE MEAT AND POTATOES I PROMISE (if you know what I mean by that phrase. If you don't... I swear I'm not crazy.)


	14. It Wasn't Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phase one complete~  
> And taking my 50k word virginity with it XD

“What the fuck is wrong with everyone?”

Uvogin paced back and forth impatiently, swivelling his shoulders as if preparing for a fight. The rest of the Phantom Troupe listened, bored. They were all sitting together in a rickety, decrepit building, water dripping sorrowfully through the ceiling. Despite all the money and riches they had, they always came to places like this to think. These kinds of places held a soul ritzy places rarely did.

“Uvo, calm down. No need to get worked up over it.”

Shalnark was the only one to reassure him; Phinks and Feitan were playing some sort of handheld video game against each other, Shizuku and Nobunaga were arm wrestling, Franklin, Kortopi, and Bonolenov were drawing something in the dirt with sticks, Machi and Pakunoda were playing poker, and Chrollo was watching everything impassively. Uvogin turned to face them all, crossing his arms as his lips curled up in anger.

“This war is singlehandedly destroying everything we stand for. Everyone thinks we give a shit about the slums everywhere, but it isn’t us stealing the weapons! Fuck, because of this mess, all heads are turned our way and we can’t even move.”

Machi took off her top, setting it down neatly as Pakunoda won a hand. She dealt out another hand for the two of them before responding to Uvogin’s annoyance.

“I know you’re impatient, but this war will blow over soon enough. Not that I agree with the other side, but I respect their military enough to know they’ll handle it.”

Nobunaga slammed Shizuku’s arm down so hard the rock cracked. He blinked, releasing her hand with an apologetic look as she examined it, shaking it out to make sure it wasn’t broken.

“Machi’s right. I hate to say it, but this war is almost over. It was fun stealing in all of the chaos, but soon enough we’ll end up going back to our usual way.”

Uvogin kicked a rock so hard it cracked in two, then fell apart, a small puff of dust rising from it. He was frustrated at doing nothing, though he understood what his friends were saying. He gave up his pacing and sat down near Phinks and Feitan, idly watching their gaming battle.

“I know, but this is boring. We should be kicking the asses of the people spreading these stupid rumours. As if we care about anyone else. Who are they again? Some princes or something?”

He leaned over and grabbed Feitan’s game, fiddling around with it while Feitan began to draw his sword in annoyance.

“Ha! I won that one. No excuses, you should’ve stopped Uvo from taking it. Anyway, yeah it’s some royal family who’s basically using the war to make themselves look good. Demonstrate their power or something. They’re fighting for their father’s crown.”

Phinks set his game down and stretched as Feitan turned his sword on him, obviously not caring one bit about the princes and the war. Uvogin snorted and backed away as Phinks and Feitan started mock-fighting, the latter quicker but the former stronger.

“We should kill them and end the whole thing, then.”

Though Chrollo hadn’t seemed like he was paying attention, he rose gracefully and made his way to the middle of the room. Everyone stopped what they were doing and gave him their attention. If anyone else had been there, they would’ve seen each and every person in the room held an obvious admiration for the man.

“Hisoka just delivered a message via pigeon. He says they’re sending in a few recruits in a couple of months. He’ll be with them, so he’ll let us know the exact time they get here.”

Kortopi’s expression was impossible to determine, but it was obvious from his tone he was disapproving.

“Are you sure we should trust Hisoka?”

Franklin nodded, and everyone watched Chrollo, wondering the same thing. Chrollo shrugged, stuffing his hands in the pocket of his long, richly woven jacket.

“Whether he’s lying or not doesn’t matter. Either way, they won’t be able to get a big group into this city without us knowing. It’ll have to be small, and I’m sure we can deal with any small group.”

Pakunoda shrugged on her shirt, buttoning it as she stood up.

“In that case, would you like some of us to keep watch? Machi and I agree that Hisoka is one of the least trustworthy people we’ve ever met. If he says a couple of months, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was tomorrow.”

Chrollo nodded thoughtfully, pulling a pen out of his pocket and spinning it absentmindedly across his knuckles.

“If you feel the need to. I don’t trust Hisoka, but I get the feeling he isn’t lying about this. He seems to have a high opinion of the people coming, considering the fact that he believes they’ll get this far. He’d want to see how their power measures up against ours.”

That got a rise out of the Troupe; everyone let out some form of amusement, from snorts to all out laughs. There was no doubt in their minds that a small group of soldiers wouldn’t be able to touch the band that had been fighting for their entire lives. Shalnark was the only one who remained semi-serious, as he grabbed his laptop and opened it, typing.

“Hm… he’s sent names but no information. They’re sending six higher ranked people, but two of them are him and Illumi so I doubt we’ll have a problem. The others… weak, weak, weak… Kurta? The name sounds familiar.”

Everyone thought about it, some of them finding it familiar while others had no idea. Finally, Uvogin started laughing, loud and deep.

“The Kurta Clan. The ones with the red jewels.”

A chorus of agreement rose from the group. Feitan laughed lightly, turning to Phinks.

“You must’ve missed one.”

“Me? You were supposed to have the left side! I can guarantee there was no one left on the right side.”

“Did you check everywhere?”

“Are you calling me an idiot?”

Chrollo slipped his pen back into his pocket and rested a hand on each of their shoulders. They both relaxed, though Feitan kept shooting Phinks funny faces which only served to piss him off more.

“He probably wasn’t there when we were. In that case, you can kill him when he gets here.”

Uvogin stood up, grinning and cracking his knuckles.

“Finally some action. This one is mine, no one else touch him.”

Nobunaga laughed as Phinks and Feitan muttered their acquiescence; Uvogin had won the last round of arm wrestling so they’d all agreed the next person worthy of fighting was his.

“Now what?”

Bonolenov’s statement made everyone turn back to Chrollo, as their leader made his way back up to where he’d been sitting before. He let out a small sigh as he settled down, closing his eyes.

“Now we wait.”

* * *

 

Training for the recruits resumed the day after Netero’s speech, harder and quicker than ever. It was technically the fourth week of training, which meant as soon as that week was over, the first phase out of three was done. It also meant that at the end of the week, everyone would have to complete the Confidence Course. But Kaito’s training mixed with the in class time left no room to think about it.

Killua and Gon were even pushed by the pace Kaito was going at; it was hard in more ways than one. The weapons weren’t bad; everyone was finally started to get bullets and arrows at least on the blue of the target, if not dead centre. No, it was the martial arts training that took a toll on everyone both mentally and physically. Everyone, but especially Killua and Gon.

“Hold your positions until I give word, I need to make sure you’ve all got it.”

They’d moved the training sessions to the forest for a bit just to use the surroundings, so Killua had Gon pressed against a tree, his arm firm on Gon’s throat and a sheathed knife pressed into his side. They were the last in the lineup, so as Kaito made his way around and gave people pointers, they had to stay just like that. Their newfound interest in each other, plus the fact that they’d been doing something completely different last time they were in the position, was a huge issue.

“Killua, I won’t be able to move.”

Killua had been frantically trying to gesture Kaito over with his eyes, but now he turned his full attention to Gon, whose face was slightly flushed. He quickly looked away again.

“Yeah well… neither will I.”

He felt Gon shift uncomfortably and he drew his body back as much as he could while still restricting Gon’s movement. He glanced at Kurapika and Leorio, who were doing the same thing but decidedly less awkwardly. Although Kurapika seemed deeply amused by something and Leorio seemed annoyed and sort of embarrassed.

“Hey. Guys.”

Killua kept his voice low enough to stop it from reaching anyone else but loud enough for them to hear it. They glanced over at him and Gon, and Leorio hissed ‘What?’ while Kurapika laughed.

“We have a… uh… problem. Do you think you can somehow distract everyone while we get away?”

Leorio looked clueless for a couple of second more, before he let out a groan of disbelief, shaking his head. It wasn’t like it was that big a deal; they were on their last exercise of the day and Kaito would dismiss them as soon as it was over. Kurapika raised an eyebrow but said nothing, allowing Leorio to talk.

“Fine, but only this once! Go… deal with it. We’ll stay out of the bunk until after supper. Make sure you’re done before then! Also, healthy couples don’t have this problem because healthy couples deal with their needs. From now on, we’ll give you two alone time so... _deal with things_.”

Killua nodded, a huge amount of gratitude plain on his face, while Gon let out a small whoop of triumph. Before Killua could give Gon a swat for being so happy, Kurapika suddenly shoved Leorio away and gave him a filthy look.

“What’s wrong with you? You think just because I look like a woman I want you?”

Leorio’s mouth dropped open and his face turned bright red as he started stuttering incoherently. Kurapika crossed his arms, a furious look on his face. To everyone else, he looked livid, but Gon and Killua knew him well enough to recognize the amused glint in his eye.

“No, I don’t want to kiss you. No, I don’t want to sleep with you. No, I most certainly don’t want to meet your mother. Who do you think I am? This is the military, Leorio!”

Everyone turned to watch the debacle, some partners already breaking apart to watch. Kaito tried to get everyone back in formation but Leorio finally realized what was going on and reacted, a blush heating his face like fire.

“Who says I want you, idiot? You crawl into my bed last night claiming you’re cold, and now you’re trying to say _I’m_ the one who wants to sleep with _you_? You’ve been blatantly trying to seduce me this whole time! I told you I’m not into guys!”

Leorio and Kurapika had steadily been moving their argument until now they stood in the middle of the clearing, their voices rising and fingers pointing as the shouted.

“I never crawled into your bed, Leorio. What kind of strange dreams are you having? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore, ever since you’ve developed this obsession with me.”

“O-obsession? Who would develop an obsession with you? Just because you’re pretty and feminine, doesn’t mean I don’t realize you’re a man!”

Now Kaito gave up trying to get everyone else to do what they were told and settled for going to talk to Leorio and Kurapika themselves. While the chaos went on, Gon and Killua managed to slip away. The walk felt much longer than it should’ve, but they eventually made it back to the bunk. Killua kicked the door shut as Gon went in and sat on the bed, and he took the other bed across from the Gon. They sat there for a second, not speaking, until Killua finally broke the silence.

“Well, I guess you know how to take care of yourself now, and I do too, so we can—”

“No!”

Killua blinked at Gon’s vehemence, frowning as Gon stood up and planted himself right in front of Killua, crossing his arms.

“We’re boyfriends, so we do that kind of stuff together. Why would we do it apart now that we confessed?”

Killua was at a loss for words; it wasn’t like he didn’t want to, but saying those kinds of things out loud were embarrassing. Or rather, they should be. It didn’t seem like Gon had any problem with it. Killua nodded a little, moving over to give Gon room on the bed beside him.

“O-okay. Before we just kind of… you know. I guess now we can… do the other thing.”

Gon tilted his head, looking for all the world like a lost, confused puppy.

“What other thing? Like sex?”

“No! That kind of thing takes lots of preparation! If you want to do that I’ll… I’ll arrange it, but you need to tell me ahead of time. I mean, right now, we have two options. There’s… well, hands. And also… you know.”

“What else is there?”

Killua’s head felt like it would explode as he looked at his lover, who listened attentively as if it were some sort of class and he was learning something interesting.

“M-mouths.”

“Hands and mouths? Mm… mouths sound weird. Maybe later. How about we just use hands?”

How come they always ended up logically discussing stuff like this? This wasn’t the kind of thing normal people discussed beforehand. Like, ‘oh hi honey, would you like a handjob or a blowjob today?’ But with Gon, that almost seemed like a viable conversation. Killua was lost in thought, so Gon took the initiative and grabbed his belt, humming lightly as he undid Killua’s cargo pants.

“W-wait!”

Since when had Gon gotten so confident? Just the other day, he was freaking out over it all, and now he was as cool as a summer breeze. Wasn’t he worried about how he’d compare to Killua? Killua sure was. He grabbed Gon’s hands, his eyes wide.

“It’ll probably look different. I mean, it definitely will. I don’t know what you’re used to, but it might be… different.”

Smaller, he meant to say. He didn’t know. Being that exposed scared him, sapped his self-confidence. Gon looked up at his face and laughed.

“You don’t have to worry! I don’t care about that kind of thing. I’ll still love you no matter what you look like.”

Killua relented and let Gon undress his lower half, first taking off his belt, then his pants, then… everything. He flushed and looked away as Gon stared at him, eyes wide, mouth slightly parted. He wanted Gon to say something, anything, but Gon wouldn’t stop staring. It took everything he had to work up the courage to speak.

“W-what? Quit looking like that, it’s embarrassing!”

Gon shook himself and looked up at Killua, his brow creasing in confusion.

“Well… you said it looked different so I thought it would be really weird, like an alien or something. It looks pretty normal to me!”

“Alien? What the hell kind of person are you? Jeez, you were scaring me there. It’s your turn now. Pants off.”

Gon happily obliged, stripping before Killua could help him. He kicked pants and underwear to the floor, freeing himself and grinning casually as if he were used to people seeing him naked. Killua blinked and looked away, feeling a tinge of frustration. Yes, Gon was bigger. It was probably the first contest Killua had lost in. But man, what a loss it was. To lose at something like this was a blow to manly pride. He drew in a deep breath, mentally preparing himself, but his breath was stopped as he felt a rough, calloused hand touch his lower abdomen, stroking the soft trail of silver hair there.

“I told everyone your hair was naturally like that, but no one believed me! Now I can tell them it’s that colour for sure.”

“Don’t you dare tell them! Jeez, how big of an idiot are you?”

Gon pouted as he moved his hand lower and lower, and before Killua could speak again his fingers began teasing Killua so the silver haired boy was forced to shut up and bite off a moan.

“I don’t really know what feels good, so tell me, okay?”

Gon’s voice was still bright and happy as he concentrated on what he was doing, fingers clumsy and unskilled. But the texture of his skin and the roughness and feel of his large, warm hand was wondrous. Killua wanted to try to coach him through it, but he gave up after a couple of seconds and just let the feeling of Gon’s hand on him send fire through his veins. It was so much better than he’d ever imagined, every callous sending shivers through his entire body. He wanted to control himself, but he couldn’t help but add in his own thrust every now and then as Gon went agonizingly slow.

“Gon… faster… fuck…”

He could feel Gon’s eyes on his face as Gon increased his pace, sending waves of pleasure all throughout his body. It was good, it was so _fucking_ good, but it wasn’t as good as it could be.

“C’mere.”

His voice was a breathless mumble as Gon crawled closer, and he set about giving Gon the same pleasure Gon was giving him. Fair trade and everything. Not to mention the fact that Gon’s whimpers and wriggling hips only served to turn him on more. They explored each other thoroughly, finding out the spots that felt that best, carrying each other higher on a haze of pleasure.

Killua grabbed the back of Gon’s neck and caught his lips, kissing him in time with their strokes. Every time Gon moaned he could feel it in his mouth, taste its sweetness and have it echo through his mind. He caught Gon’s tongue and used his own to toy with it, kissing in ways neither of them had ever dreamt of. They made things up as they went; pace, roughness, which ways felt best to move.

It didn’t take all that long; they really had needed this. Near the end, Killua ground out instructions and they lined themselves together so that Killua could take them both over the edge with one hand. In return, Gon’s mouth trailed hot sounds over his ears and throat as Gon peppered him with wet, scorching kisses that left a tingling burn on his sensitive skin. Killua managed to hold out, just barely, until Gon could come with him, and then they were breathing each other’s names into their lips with moans and growls.

It was hot, the tang of sweat and pleasure mixing to create a heady scent in the air. When they were done, they both fell back onto the bed, gazing up at the bunk above them.

“Gon… was that satisfying?”

Killua’s voice was still hoarse with a mixture of desire and contentedness. He turned his head to gaze at Gon, wondering if his own face held the pinkish glow Gon’s cheeks had. Gon’s smile was lazy, but hinted at a need.

“It felt amazing. But… I think we should have sex.”

Killua turned back to the top bunk and nodded in agreement. Yes, it had been incredible, and it had done away with the majority of the consuming need. But, at the same time, it just wasn’t _enough_. He wanted more of Gon, he wanted everything. He wanted to explore everything, and he wanted to let Gon explore every part of him in return. An intimacy that meant more than mutual jerking off and grinding.

“Okay. I need to get some things first. I’m sure it won’t be hard. How about next week?”

Yet again, they were logically discussing something weird. Making a sex schedule. The military was drilling so much order into them that they were even making a schedule to have sex. Killua snorted out a laugh before sitting up, blinking out of his haze and looking around. He let out a soft groan.

“Shit. We really need to clean this up. I wasn’t paying attention.”

Gon realized what he was saying and sat up, his eyes huge.

“Oops. Neither was I. Do you think he’ll be mad?”

“Not if we don’t tell him.”

Despite that, when Kurapika and Leorio came back from supper, Kurapika took one look at his bed and slyly managed to convince Leorio that it was his turn to sleep on the top bunk. Killua and Gon slept wrapped in each other’s arms, not sure whether to laugh or be mortified when Leorio unknowingly took the bunk they’d accidentally chosen for their... ‘logical talk.’ What they were sure of, however, was that Killua was never letting Gon kiss his throat again. He hadn’t even realized that Gon was biting while he was kissing, and now he’d have to wear a turtleneck for the next week.

* * *

 

Training continued that way for the next week, with Gon and Killua learning quickly how to control and deal with their urges. The time Leorio and Kurapika gave them before supper helped. It helped a lot. But, though it was temporarily satisfying, they were both young men with large appetites. Food was only one of those appetites. Killua had work to do if he wanted everything ready, so he got on that while Gon coached Leorio about what they’d do on their date with Leroute and her friends. Kurapika wasn’t technically invited, but he decided he was going nonetheless, because why would he stay behind while his friends went on dates?

Planning, planning, and more planning all while Kaito drilled into their heads how to kill and defend. Plan. Kill. Defend. Plan. Stolen moments. Kill. Defend. Plan. Kill. Stolen moments. Kill. Kill. Kill. It continued that way until every person could hit the target dead center from anywhere within a hundred metre range, and most people could hit it within the two hundred meter range. Their bodies also automatically acted whenever someone tried to attack, and the moves they learned weren’t purely defensive anymore; they were about taking the opponent down. It was strange how quickly everyone grew accustomed to ways of causing death to enemies. But then, that was what they were there for.

The end of the week saw the Confidence Course. It was eleven obstacles, the first being the one Killua and Gon had already completed with Leorio and Kurapika. Despite everyone’s initial misgivings about it, they all did pretty well. The only one who had trouble was a girl named Ponzu, who discovered when she was at the top that she was scared of heights. Interestingly enough, it was Pokkle, a guy who wasn’t even on her team, who managed to coax her through it. After that, things went by slowly, but without a hitch. Not a single recruit fell into the water, and Gon and Killua came damn close to beating the record. But they were both wary on the first obstacle, so they didn’t end up actually beating it.

Then the week was over, bringing with it a tearful parting.

“Kaito, why can’t you be our instructor for the rest of our training?”

Kaito chuckled as the rest of the dismissed recruits ran off cheering at making their way through the first phase. Gon stood there alone, with Killua, Kurapika and Leorio waiting far enough away to give them privacy, while Gon spoke with Kaito.

“Because I’m not tough enough to train you the way your new trainer will. I never was the best teacher, and I need to go back into the field to make sure everything is going well. Don’t worry, Gon. I’ll be back when it’s time for our missions. I’ll bring Ging too.”

Gon had managed to banish the thought from his mind, knowing that if he dwelled on it for too long, it would drive him crazy imagining what his reunion with his long-lost father would be. But now, the thought of Kaito introducing them put a huge, watery smile on his face. He sniffed loudly, holding back tears as he wrapped his arms tightly around the older man’s torso.

“I’ll miss you, Kaito.”

Kaito looked surprised, then his eyes softened and he hugged Gon in return, patting him gently on the back.

“It was nice getting to know you, Gon. You really are like your father. But don’t be sad; we’ll meet again. Plus, you have your friends and lover to keep you company.”

Gon turned to look at his friends, who were waiting for him. Leorio flashed him a thumbs up, Kurapika offered a smile, and Killua rolled his eyes as if Gon was being way too dramatic. Gon laughed, wiping at his eyes. He’d told Kaito about Killua, and he figured that if Kaito approved, it was as good as Ging approving. Kaito was the closest thing he had to a father right now. He slowly unwrapped himself from Kaito and gave one more huge sniff before standing tall and saluting.

“Major Kaito, sir! Thank you for these past few weeks, and for saving my comrades during that attack! I hope we’ll meet again, sir!”

Kaito smiled before his face grew serious and he saluted back.

“Just doing my job, recruit. You’d better do yours, which is finishing this training and living to see the end of this war.”

“Yes, sir!”

Kaito gave one sharp nod, before spinning on his heel and marching the other way. Gon watched him go, praying with all his might that Kaito would be okay and that nothing bad would ever happen to him. Then he scrubbed at his eyes and turned back to his comrades, running to join them and walk back to the bunks side by side.


End file.
